The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Fifteen.

Thursday

Melbourne vs. Brisbane (MCG) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

It’s bad news for Melbourne, their bye week is over and in almost worse news, Max Gawn is out for weeks.

I’d go as far as to say Max is a very serviceable ruckman, and not exactly someone you want to lose when your season appears to be falling apart.

Not that the Demons need to necessarily fall apart. I mean, some of the players on the team have even participated in a premiership fairly recently.

Steven May returns from suspension, which was overblown, considering he only got in a brawl with a teammate. It’s not like he did something terrible, like say, participate in a Tik Tok trend that half the world is doing.

Brisbane took the top spot on the ladder off the Demons last week, so this looms as a real chance to assert their new position at the top of the pile.

Unfortunately for the Lions, they’ll be missing Darcy Gardiner, Dayne Zorko, and Zac Bailey.

That’s the problem with the AFL season, it’s a long slog and is as much about injury management as football.

What would be great is if we just went off Champion Data preseason rankings, then we’d never have an injury again. Even better, the AFL wouldn’t have to deal with us annoying fans anymore.

I’m tipping the Lions.

Friday

Western Bulldogs vs. Hawthorn (Marvel) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Not to bang on about it, but the floating fixture delivers again, with 10^th taking on 14^th.

Look, I don’t mind that it’s this game, it’s just the idea the floating fixture is doing what it’s meant to be doing is what annoys me.

But delivering what you’re meant to be delivering is not always the AFL’s strong suit.

While 10^th v 14^th isn’t a great match-up, at least there are some stars to watch.

Like Bailey Smith.

No wait, he’s out for both illicit drug use and headbutting, a rare double.

Well Cody Weightman is good to watch, no wait, he’s out too due to that dislocated elbow.

Apparently, he avoided bone damage, only stretching his ligaments, which still sounds horrendous, but he should only be out this week.

I can relate. As a keen drinker, I’ve dislocated my elbow heaps of times, and often I’m back at the pub the very next week. Am I a hero? Well… it’s hard not to think that when people say it so often.

While the Bulldogs have a few stars outs, at least Hawthorn have, ummm, well, they don’t really have stars. I don’t think I can name a Hawthorn player. Is Paul Puopolo still there?

Despite this, I’m going to tip the Hawks in an upset. No need to thank me Bulldogs fans.

West Coast vs. Essendon (OS) 8:40pm Fox Footy

Do we dare to dream the Eagles could beat Essendon?

I must admit, just the thought amuses me.

And the Eagles were only fairly awful last week, a marked improvement on their normal level of ‘intentionally left blank’.

There was some drama out west, with Adam Simpson admitting the Eagles ‘tried to downplay’ Jeremy McGovern’s injury early on.

Imagine my shock, a club playing down an injury. I’m positive this has never happened before. What has the world come to?

Can we no longer trust a club’s injury list anymore? What’s next, the words of our politicians? The advertising industry? Horoscopes?

Essendon are coming off a win against St Kilda, but they haven’t won two games in a row all year, that said, that’s hardly a surprising fact.

It’s like me telling you I don’t have any friends, you may not have known that, but you’re not surprised to hear it.

I’m tipping the Eagles for a bit of fun.

Saturday

Carlton vs. Fremantle (Marvel) 1:45pm Fox Footy

Look, we could focus on the fact that Carlton have lost two of their last three games, but I’m a Melbourne supporter, so I feel a bit sensitive about things like that at the moment.

Now they face off against Fremantle, a side who had their own little wobble a while ago but have come back only stronger.

This is the moment the Blues can show they really have moved on from being a basket case to being the monster that lives in my nightmares.

Harry McKay said this week that Carlton isn’t getting ahead of themselves, but instead, they’ve spoken about ‘chasing us’.

I’m not sure chasing yourself is a good idea.

I had a dog that did that, it just went around in circles until it got dizzy and threw up. I’m not sure that’s what Carlton are aiming for.

You certainly don’t want to do that against Fremantle, who have proven to be incredibly competent and consistent this year.

No one is more surprised about this than Dockers fans, who are so unused to this they haven’t even learnt to trash talk yet.

One said to me this week, ‘Hey, my team is doing very well, yes? Yours less well. Sorry.’

I’m tipping the Blues.

Geelong vs. Richmond (MCG) 4:35pm Fox Footy

Richmond fans do know how to trash talk, and some were already talking of a premiership this year after their win over Carlton. 

That’s just what we need, another Richmond Premiership. It’s right up there with another global pandemic on my list of desires.

Unfortunately, it could happen. The Tigers seem to have got their spark back.

A win against the Cats would certainly see the Richmond faithful become even more unbearable remain exactly the same.

Geelong though are on a four-game winning streak, although last week they seemed troubled by the Eagles, which is a worrying sign. 

The good news for the Cats is this is a home game. It’s always a massive advantage for them to get a game like this at home as they’re very hard to beat at home.

I’m sure the Tigers are concerned about playing at the Cats home too, as unfamiliar as they are with the Cats’ home ground.

I’m tipping Richmond.

Sydney vs. St Kilda (SCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Last week, the Saints lost to Essendon, in response, the Swans picked up the gauntlet and promptly lost to Port Adelaide.

The Swans deserve a fair bit of credit for losing to Port, it’s not an easy thing to do.

Hawthorn couldn’t do it and even Adelaide tried and failed.

Now we get to find out who can really let down their fans, and spoiler alert, it will be St Kilda, masters of the craft.

Sure, Swans fans have had their ups and downs, but St Kilda are in their fifth decade of a war against their fans’ mental health, a war the Saints are winning fairly easily.

There have been promising signs this season from St Kilda, but now they are hovering around the bottom of the eight, with Collingwood, the Bulldogs and Gold Coast all snapping at their heels.

That makes this a must-win for them, which is why I’m tipping the Swans.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs. Adelaide (BA) 1:10pm Fox Footy

Some tragic events you can’t look away from. It's why cars slow down to look at an accident; but this game is a tragic event you can look away from.

In fact, I would suggest you don’t even look at it in the first place.

Someone will win, probably, but football and your eyesight will be the losers.

If I was Fox Footy, I wouldn’t even show it. A repeat of The Bounce would be less traumatic. Well, it’s a close race.

Anyway, since we have to tip, I’m tipping the Crows.

Collingwood vs. Greater Western Sydney (MCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

Sometimes when you’re living through history, you can’t sense what is happening around you.

And I just want to say, it’s time we realised that we are living in a golden age of Collingwood apologising for things.

I mean, when Eddie McGuire stepped down as Collingwood President, I thought the golden era of Collingwood having to apologise was over.

I had a spreadsheet to track Eddie’s apologies, and I had to put a man on to keep it updated.

I thought we were done with all that, but in the past week, we’ve had apologies from three different Collingwood players.

This is all I’ve ever wanted. Just Collingwood having to apologise for things on a weekly basis.

Really, the Pies need a full-time apology writer and they’d be busy.

Firstly, I was shattered by the video of Jordan De Goey in Bali.

Not in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that the combination of Jordan De Goey, an Instagram bikini model and a Bali nightclub would produce scenes such as we saw.

I thought the video would have been them discussing the problem of Ukraine fatigue in the West and how German energy policy over the last thirty years had emboldened and funded Russian aggressiveness.

Instead, we got drinking and stupidness. I was in shock!

I’m not saying I’m defending De Goey, he is to bad choices what Johann Sebastian Bach is to classical music. But the note of surprise people had in response to the video was baffling to me.

If I’d told you in advance, to script a video in which Jordan De Goey and an Instagram model hook up in Bali and go to a nightclub, that video would be exactly what you would have scripted, in fact, the video is probably tamer than we’d have thought.

Then we had Jack Ginnivan and Isaac Quaynor apologising for participating in a Tik Tok trend that heaps of people their age are participating in.

People rate an imaginary person, and then re-rate them when given a more specific statement about their personality, appearance, or interests.

So, to be clear they’re rating imaginary people.

When will people understand that these imaginary men and women have imaginary feelings?

Rating them can have devastating imaginary impacts on the rest of their imaginary lives.

Really, I think people who claim they aren’t rating people are just lying.

I rate everyone; not just on looks, but a complex algorithm that makes Google’s look simple.

In the end, two apologies in a week are a good start, but I want more.

So, here’s a list of things I’m calling on Collingwood to apologise for: 

• Sally McIntyre saying 'no, never' when I asked her to the year ten social
• The speed of Australia’s broadband internet
• Global warming 
• Existing
• Every time someone makes a cup of tea, only to realise after they’ve poured the hot water over the tea bag, that they’re out of milk
• Nickelback
• Covid-19
• The cost of living
• All those text messages Clive Palmer sent us
• The assassination of JFK
• Marissa Cooper dying on The OC

I'm tipping the Pies. Apologies. 

Port Adelaide vs. Gold Coast (AO) 4:10pm Fox Footy

Port have made things hard for themselves this year but are giving finals a red hot crack.

They remind me of when I left a uni sociology paper to the last minute, only I then worked incredibly hard to produce “Why calling for North Melbourne to be moved to Tasmania is the laziest take a footy pundit can produce, and why it keeps happening to the point I just want to scream and throw something at the television: a sociological perspective.’

I was so proud of that essay, but like Port, it was all for nothing, as the topic I had been assigned was ‘What kind of health inequalities occur in countries with different welfare regimes?’ and the lecturer thought I’d wandered off topic somewhat.

Gold Coast have had a similar season to Port, the difference being people had a very different set of expectations for them.

Everyone thought Port would play finals and that the Suns would crash into a burning heap after round six.

Neither of those things appears to be happening.

In fact, there’s a real chance the Suns could win this and put Port’s finals chances into the ‘mathematically possible’ category.

And you know what, I’m going to tip the Suns, because I can feel it in my waters.

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