Sep 09, 2022


A highly unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Two


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Two.


Melbourne vs. Brisbane (MCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

These two teams do not get along. They’re like the cast of Don’t Worry Darling but with less spitting.

Last time these two met, in Round 23, Dayne Zorko famously sledged Harrison Petty, which was not received well by anyone; even his teammates looked like it was a hassle they didn’t need 

We’ve all worked with someone like that. I worked with a guy who was rude to other people in our building, and I had to apologise to them about him.

I guess it wasn’t that guy’s fault; from the amount of crushed-up anti-inflammatories he took, he must have been living with a lot of back pain.

Brisbane’s biggest issue is they match up with Melbourne so poorly it’s hard to see how they get this done.

Recent meetings have seen the Lions forward line rarely fire a shot in anger and their defence often parts like the Red Sea when the Demons go forward.

It’s not all good news for the Demons, however; Joe Daniher is set to miss the match to attend the birth of his first child.

I’m looking forward to the hot takes about how footy is more important than family.

You should never miss the birth of your first child. The second and third children are fine.

The Dees have other problems beyond Daniher being out.

Christian Petracca is the Black Knight of footy, with a hairline fracture in his right leg and a corked calf, the word out of Melbourne is ‘it’s just a flesh wound’ and ‘T’is but a scratch.’

I have strong views on how sensible this is, but I should add that I’m no doctor, but in the time of social media, medical degrees have no place in a medical debate. 

Why, in my zero years of studying medicine, I’ve learnt covid is a myth, we are all full of microchips, and no injury can’t be fixed by rubbing some dirt on it, which I believe the Dees medical staff have instructed Petracca to do.

Even more than Petracca being fit, the Dees need their midfield and forward line to start communicating with each other.

In some games, they communicate like a couple on a frosty car trip, with long silences that can last almost an entire half.

Not scoring for long periods of time is not a trait I would look for in a finals side. My advice? Don’t do that anymore.

I’m tipping the Dees, they just match up too well against the Lions.


Collingwood vs. Fremantle (MCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Like so many of you, at the start of the season, I tipped these two to go deep into September.

Being from Victoria, I am somewhat unfamiliar with the ‘Fremantle Dockers, so I’ve done some research on them.

They are from a land across the desert called ‘Western Australia’, which is home to people, iron ore and quokkas.

Fremantle are one of two AFL sides, with the semi-professional West Coast Eagles being the other.

The Dockers captain is Matthew Pavlich, and their coach is Gerard Neesham.

Last week, Fremantle came back from 41 points down against the Western Bulldogs, but I would argue that getting down by 41 points against the Pies would not be a good idea. 

The Pies game style is to put enormous pressure on you and hassle you like a child asking if they can watch the iPad.

They are relentless, and they do not give up, and that’s how they are close in every game, even against teams that are nominally better than them.

It’s this effort, belief and general competence that terrifies me. I was such a fan of Collingwood being an absolute mess, and I just feel we didn’t get time enough with that version of them.

I’m tipping the Pies, on the MCG I think they will be too good.

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Michael Fleming

Sep 09, 2022

Titus…Frosty car trips you have been listening in to my microchips


Sep 09, 2022

Titus, you do realised Joey plays for the Lions right? Or did you Google it and find Danihers only associated with your beloved Dees?

Con Cushion

Sep 09, 2022

Turn it up Titus ... "worked with a bloke once" ... No sorry wait on. My apologies. You probably did work, ONCE!! Con.

David Alexander Ralph

Sep 09, 2022

That Wayne Carey reference, just made my day


Sep 09, 2022

See you in the Long Room old chap.

Robyn Walsh

Sep 09, 2022

Docker's fan comming to the G, underestimate us at your peril. You had better get to know us a little better because we are on the rise.
You would be welcome to get a crash course from our home or away Cheer Squad anytime you like. Ed Langdon can probable give you more current into too or Andy's brother.

Robin Aukett

Sep 09, 2022

It’s frightening. My 5year old grandsons know where I f
Hide my iPad, how to turn it on and navigate to Angry Birds.

The g train

Sep 09, 2022

“The Dockers captain is Matthew Pavlich…”. Yes, but he’s had a very quite year this season and hardly had a touch. Time for him to move on and take up commentary?

Vic Parkes

Sep 09, 2022

I hate it when I have to explain my jokes, let alone someone else's. Caro, Titus was suggesting that having Joe in the Lions' forward line was better for Melbourne than having someone who can do something other than jump into packs like a crazed spider monkey and thereby give away free kicks. Joe in = good for Melbourne, Joe out = bad for Melbourne. Sheesh!

Saint Peter

Sep 09, 2022

I didn't know Caroline Wilson "Caro" contributed this. However now the jokes been explained she can get back to her wrong opinions.
I thought everyone bought their "medicine" in powder form. At that's what my "doctor" tells me when I get a script for 40 grams of whatever he thinks is best for me.

If Petracca is the Black Knight, then the Holy Grail will surely be delivered to Melbourne, no matter how many limbs or body he has to sacrifice.

allan gatiss

Sep 09, 2022

Thank you for your fabulously funny book. My wife has kicked me out of bed because I keep pissing myself with laughter. But the foot notes and little side boxes are totally putting my health at risk.
West Coast should go into the desert for 40 days and nights and THEN decide if they should ho back to the WAFL


Sep 09, 2022

The Holy Grail references elevated you to a new level. Love it.

The Bombers Bombed

Sep 09, 2022

I hope no-one at AFL House or Channel 7 reads today's column and gets ideas associating Aussie Rules with the Holy Grail...

Macca RB

Sep 09, 2022

One more down - Melbourne.
One more to go tonight - Collingwood.
Leaves four interstate clubs to battle out the 2022 AFL Season.
IF, the Cats prevail, next week I am sure that Bleak City will bestow temporary Melbourneship upon Geelong.