The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to AFL Finals Week Two.

Friday

Melbourne vs. Brisbane (MCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

These two teams do not get along. They’re like the cast of Don’t Worry Darling but with less spitting.

Last time these two met, in Round 23, Dayne Zorko famously sledged Harrison Petty, which was not received well by anyone; even his teammates looked like it was a hassle they didn’t need 

We’ve all worked with someone like that. I worked with a guy who was rude to other people in our building, and I had to apologise to them about him.

I guess it wasn’t that guy’s fault; from the amount of crushed-up anti-inflammatories he took, he must have been living with a lot of back pain.

Brisbane’s biggest issue is they match up with Melbourne so poorly it’s hard to see how they get this done.

Recent meetings have seen the Lions forward line rarely fire a shot in anger and their defence often parts like the Red Sea when the Demons go forward.

It’s not all good news for the Demons, however; Joe Daniher is set to miss the match to attend the birth of his first child.

I’m looking forward to the hot takes about how footy is more important than family.

You should never miss the birth of your first child. The second and third children are fine.

The Dees have other problems beyond Daniher being out.

Christian Petracca is the Black Knight of footy, with a hairline fracture in his right leg and a corked calf, the word out of Melbourne is ‘it’s just a flesh wound’ and ‘T’is but a scratch.’

I have strong views on how sensible this is, but I should add that I’m no doctor, but in the time of social media, medical degrees have no place in a medical debate. 

Why, in my zero years of studying medicine, I’ve learnt covid is a myth, we are all full of microchips, and no injury can’t be fixed by rubbing some dirt on it, which I believe the Dees medical staff have instructed Petracca to do.

Even more than Petracca being fit, the Dees need their midfield and forward line to start communicating with each other.

In some games, they communicate like a couple on a frosty car trip, with long silences that can last almost an entire half.

Not scoring for long periods of time is not a trait I would look for in a finals side. My advice? Don’t do that anymore.

I’m tipping the Dees, they just match up too well against the Lions.

Saturday

Collingwood vs. Fremantle (MCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Like so many of you, at the start of the season, I tipped these two to go deep into September.

Being from Victoria, I am somewhat unfamiliar with the ‘Fremantle Dockers, so I’ve done some research on them.

They are from a land across the desert called ‘Western Australia’, which is home to people, iron ore and quokkas.

Fremantle are one of two AFL sides, with the semi-professional West Coast Eagles being the other.

The Dockers captain is Matthew Pavlich, and their coach is Gerard Neesham.

Last week, Fremantle came back from 41 points down against the Western Bulldogs, but I would argue that getting down by 41 points against the Pies would not be a good idea. 

The Pies game style is to put enormous pressure on you and hassle you like a child asking if they can watch the iPad.

They are relentless, and they do not give up, and that’s how they are close in every game, even against teams that are nominally better than them.

It’s this effort, belief and general competence that terrifies me. I was such a fan of Collingwood being an absolute mess, and I just feel we didn’t get time enough with that version of them.

I’m tipping the Pies, on the MCG I think they will be too good.

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