Every four years, the fading remnants of the British Empire gather together for the International Cricket Council (ICC) Cricket World Cup.

Just fourteen countries will play for the cup this time. Cricket isn’t exactly expanding, since England lost the ability to park a gunboat off shore and take over a country.

The first One Day International (ODI) World Cup was played in 1975 and since then, Australia have won it four times.

Happily, England has never won it.

The ICC is FIFA’s main competitor for ‘most corrupt sporting body’ and often gives them a real run for their money.

It’s a wonderful tournament.

Let’s look at the teams.

AFGHANISTAN

Coach: Andy Moles

Captain: Mohammad Nabi

Overview: The Afghanistan team is made up of people who were willing to do anything to get out of Afghanistan, even if that required playing cricket.

There was considerable competition to make the team given Australia’s reputation for welcoming refugees with open arms.

Prediction: Just making up the numbers

AUSTRALIA

Coach: Darren Lehmann

Captain: Michael Clarke Brad Haddin Steve Smith George Bailey???????

Overview: A team of humble champions, the Australian cricket team represent the values of the ANZACs, Eureka and Phar Lap.

If you’re one of those Australians who doesn’t like the Australian Cricket team, you don’t deserve the freedom this country provides and should leave.

The only exception is not liking Shane Watson, that makes you Australian.

Prediction: Champions

BANGLADESH

Coach: Chandika Hathurusinghe

Captain: Mashrafe Mortaza

Overview: Nicknamed the Tigers, like Richmond in the AFL they’ll disappoint their passionate fans.

Have a lot of spin options, which is not really a useful thing in Australia.

Prediction: Won’t pass the group Stage

ENGLAND

Coach: Peter Moores

Captain: Eoin Morgan

Overview: England have been awful in their lead up games, which has not only been enjoyable but feels like a return to cricket’s natural state.

Rarely can an English team tour Australia without imploding and this should be no different.

Prediction: Semi-finalists

INDIA

Coach: Duncan Fletcher

Captain: MS Dhoni

Overview: India have been so bad in the lead up to the World Cup it’s possible to see them failing to get out of the group stage.

That said, the bookies have a big interest in them sticking around, so they probably will.

Prediction: Quarter-finalists

IRELAND

Coach: Phil Simmons

Captain: William Porterfield

Overview: I’m pretty sure this team is just made up of backpackers who happened to be in Australia and New Zealand while the tournament was on.

Brett Lee is their bowling coach, so they're in real trouble. Both cricket-wise and music-wise.

Ireland’s best player is England’s Captain. He’s struggling at the moment, showing he’s adapted to the English team culture.

Prediction: Won’t pass the Group Stage

NEW ZEALAND

Coach: Mike Hesson

Captain: Brendon McCullum

Overview: Co-hosts of the tournament, New Zealand will feast on the minnows before being eaten by one of the sharks, like some sort of mid-food chain aquatic sheep. *

Prediction: Semi-finalists (again)

*Sheep joke compulsory under the Australian Constitution.

PAKISTAN

Coach: Waqar Younis

Captain: Misbah-ul-Haq

Overview: The former home of Osama bin Laden, Pakistan are in the mix if everything goes right, but they’ve been far too inconsistent to really challenge.

Prediction: Quarter-finalists

SCOTLAND

Coach: Grant Bradburn

Captain: Preston Mommsen

Overview: Scotland recently voted to remain tied to England! As an Australian I find that extraordinary. Have some self-respect Scotland.

Also they’re not very good at cricket.

Prediction: Will exit at the Group Stage

SOUTH AFRICA

Coach: Russell Domingo

Captain: AB de Villiers

Overview: The clear threat to Australia winning. That said, the Proteas choke at big tournaments worse than Greg Norman.

Prediction: Runners Up

SRI LANKA

Coach: Marvan Attapatu

Captain: Angelo Mathews

Overview: Sri Lanka were smashed by India in the lead up to the tournament but bounced back to destroy England, which provided them with much needed false confidence.

Prediction: Quarter-finalists

UAE

Coach: Aqib Javed

Captain: Mohammed Tauqir

Overview: Pretty sure the UAE just kept their Asian Cup squad in the country and thought, ‘let’s have a go at this cricket thing.’ No one knows what UAE stands for.

Prediction: Group Stage only

WEST INDIES

Coach: Stuart Williams

Captain: Jason Holder

Overview: Once a dominant force in cricket, West Indies cricket is now as well run as Australia’s political parties.

Like Colin Sylvia, they’ve got talent but no focus.

Prediction: Quarter-finalists

ZIMBABWE

Coach: Dav Whatmore

Captain: Elton Chigumbura

Overview: Zimbabwe used to be able to claim the title of ‘most chaotic country’ in the tournament. Afghanistan’s entry sees that title severely challenged.

Prediction: Won’t pass Group Stage, won’t collect $200.