Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place.
Thursday
Hawthorn (99) v Sydney (82)
This one started with some of the fastest footy you’ll ever see. It was end-to-end exciting stuff.
The result? Several footy pundits are claiming the game is now too fast.
Hang on, weren’t these the same people who banged on for years about the game being too slow?
They’re like Goldilocks, always complaining that nothing is just right.
Whatever happens, they complain. It’s like being in a relationship.
Sydney wasn’t terrible considering their injuries and five-day break, but they were also helped that the Hawks kicked for goal like it was a new part of the sport.
Perhaps the problem is that after moving their training base to Dingley, they’re no good at kicking for goal unless a gale is blowing.
Friday
Adelaide (88) v Western Bulldogs (94)
Footy sometimes delivers moments you’ll remember forever. Take, for example, when Sam Darcy gave away a free kick in a marking contest with Josh Worrell.
Not the end of the world, as it was up the other end from goal, but then he gave away a 50m penalty for a hit on Worrell. Not an ideal moment.
Instead of collecting himself, Darcy then threw Worrell to the ground, giving away another 50-meter penalty.
It was a stunning bit of overreacting, the equivalent of a waiter bringing you the wrong drink, so you set the restaurant on fire.
If that wasn’t enough, Jordon Butts then missed the easy shot. Footy can be good when it's good, but it’s great when it’s this bad.
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Saturday
Richmond (60) v Gold Coast Suns (128)
Here’s a recipe for success: take 12 first-round draft picks, five of them being pick 1 or 2, add 100s of millions of dollars and sprinkle with a three-time premiership coach, and you’ve baked yourself a premiership cake.
Imagine the excitement on the Gold Coast if they were aware this was happening.
The only downside was that Christian Petracca did his hamstring, as did Tigers Tom Lynch and Toby Nankervis.
Some are saying this weekend was a crisis of hamstrings and attribute it to the rules that have sped up the game.
It might be a bit early to leap to that conclusion. For example, the three mentioned are all, in football terms, borderline elderly.
As you get older, these things happen. I pulled a hamstring clean off the bone while sleeping.
Greater Western Sydney (74) v St Kilda (78)
The Saints didn’t lose, but it wasn’t from a lack of trying.
Up by 39 points, St Kilda fans would have been feeling good if decades of intergenerational trauma hadn’t prepared them for what was to come.
The good news is that despite being 1-2, they sit in tenth and would play finals if the season ended today. Isn’t the modern AFL wonderful?
This game was delayed by lightning, which triggers an automatic 30-minute delay if it occurs within 10 kilometres of the stadium.
Further strikes meant the game didn’t get underway until 50 minutes after the original start time.
It seems like the lighting policy is a bit soft.
My suggestion is that the automatic 30-minute delay should only be triggered if someone at the stadium is struck by lightning.
Fremantle (118) v Melbourne (70)
Melbourne got a reality check on the weekend. Why is a reality check never good?
You never hear someone say, “I got a real reality check yesterday when I opened my bank account and found out I’ve got way more money than I thought.”
Or “it turns out that cute girl at work does want to go out with me.”
The reason a reality check is never good is because reality is a jerk.
Speaking of jerks, Patrick Voss really put that side of him on display this weekend.
He taunted Harrison Petty with a crying sledge, which was uncalled for, but even worse, he rubbed Petty’s hair, mocking him for going bald.
I took offence at that. As someone losing a protracted and cruel war against male pattern baldness, it’s no laughing matter.
Voss has made some very powerful enemies; most of the people who run the world are balding men, and hair loss will come for him, too, mark my words.
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Sunday
Port Adelaide (133) v Essendon (70)
It was during Port Adelaide’s run of nine consecutive goals that I had to concede this may not be Essendon’s century.
Now over a quarter of the way in, and they seem to exist just to remind us that not everyone can be good at footy.
When Nate Caddy ran into an open goal, only to spray the kick for a behind, you could feel the anguish of Bombers fans, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced, as they turned off the TV.
I can see why Essendon’s way of punishing Zach Merrett for his disloyalty is by offering him a longer contract. Being part of this is a punishment.
Even worse, this was against a Port side that looked terrible against North Melbourne last week.
It proved the old saying of Voltaire’s, “Nothing like playing Essendon to make things seem better.”
West Coast (111) v North Melbourne (94)
Look out! The Eagles are on a roll, winning their first game since the 18th of May 2025.
That’s a long time. You could have conceived after their last win and had the baby.
A detailed analysis of the stats reveals this is the first win under the reign of Pope Leo. Take that, Champion Data.
Even though this was against North, they should still be very proud of themselves.
North fans will feel less pride. Being up by 30-points in the second quarter and still losing by 17 points, is hardly the momentum builder of the back of last week’s win.
Even weirder, Alastair Clarkson didn’t even seem that angry afterwards. Something’s not right.
Byes: Brisbane, Collingwood, Carlton and Geelong.
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus
COMMENTS
peter geoffrey freeman
Mar 23, 2026
WELL DONE PETER FREEMAN OAM
Greg
Mar 23, 2026
Did you phone this in, Titus - not your usual detail and cleverness here?
WOODYD
Mar 23, 2026
After the miracle at marvel rematch it's back to mother Earth with a thud. Expecting an emphatic rebound first day of the new week against the old dark navy boys. As Patrick White may have it "Life is full of alternatives but no choice". When it comes to Patrick Voss his ordinary behaviour choices appear to be pre-programmed at kindergarten.
Jack Hobart
Mar 23, 2026
Unlike Greg, I like your brevity, Titus. We are surrounded with sports’ commentators whose main aim seems to be filling space with repetitive twaddle and talking over those around them. Intermixed with girlie giggle and change-room jock “humour”. So well done, Richie and Dennis would consider you both “marvellous” AND “centimetre perfect”.
saint peter
Mar 23, 2026
Just like the government waits until 3 people have died from a car accident at the same spot, it should be the same thing on the field for lightning strikes. After the 3rd person is killed by lightning then & only then the AFL should delay the game.
I knew the Giants would come back, I just didn't realise they could get it past our tall's. The deliberately didn't kick a goal so they always stay in the backline. Very good coaching by the Saints.
PS I think the doggies will win the big one.
Vic Parkes
Mar 23, 2026
Enjoyed a fifteen minute discussion among the commentators about where Zak Butters will be playing next year. Well maybe 'enjoyed' is the wrong word. With 22 Rounds of H&A plus interminable finals before Butters can be anything but a Port Adelaide player, it's obviously going to be a slow news year. I was going to call it lazy journalism but that would be unfair. I'll just call it lazy.
The G Train
Mar 23, 2026
Thanks Titus--Agree with everything your wrote about the third round (Round 2). "Up by 39 points, St Kilda fans would have been feeling good if decades of intergenerational trauma hadn’t prepared them for what was to come.". St Kilda fans EXPECTED to lose from being up 39 points up before half time.
But--Rossy Lyon manufactured a Temporal Decoupling Short-Circuit to excise 29 seconds of spacetime just before half-time, which detangled the guaranteed Wave-function Collapse of a soul destroying Saints epic second half fade-out loss. Ross corrupted the universe’s Causal Metric just long enough for the 'St Kilda Correction ensuring another devastating loss after a big first half lead' to run out of probability. The AFL have already asked their sponsor Sportsbet to investigate if tampering with the fabric of existence constitutes an unfair betting advantage.
Fat Side
Mar 23, 2026
@SAINT PETER, The 3-Strikes policy lives on!
Stephen Thomas
Mar 23, 2026
Darcy just peeved he didn't get the Free kick. It's not supposed to be like that. He was in shock.
Son of Plugger
Mar 23, 2026
Great summary, Titus. And we've learnt a new Voltaire quote today. It is remarkably similar to "Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable".
Terrific to read some common sense too: "My suggestion is that the automatic 30-minute delay should only be triggered if someone at the stadium is struck by lightning." And kudos to @Saint Peter for being brave enough to write what everyone is thinking. We've all had a gutful of The AFL determining for us when games should be delayed! The fans (and possibly the players?) should be the ones determining when games should be delayed. The AFL wouldn't have a clue.
Fairwestuff
Mar 23, 2026
Titus,
After @Greg comment!
Ever considered Ai writing KNR or is it an anathema or blasphemy to consider such a thing.
I know it wouldn’t be as human or humorous as one T.O’Reily and it may be filled with Americanisms but then AFL is adopting many of their approaches
No stick to your well worn, tried and true recipe for good Aussie AFL put downs, sarcasm, wit, and self deprecation.
Thanks for your weekly edition bringing true perspective to the AFL world that doesn’t get to carried away with itself!
Paul
Mar 23, 2026
"Footy can be good when it's good, but it’s great when it’s this bad" is the slogan I have been seeking eternally
Jim Tilbrook's Cheque
Mar 23, 2026
Once more, the KJR comments demonstrate the universality of the AFL and its pre-eminent place in Australian Culture. As WoodyD alludes to above, Patrick White's almost impenetrable work "Voss" anticipated the events of this last weekend. The novel suggests that failure, suffering and inner struggle matter more than success: concepts which any Melbourne Football Club follower can endorse. On the other hand, Freo should reflect on the fact that the titular character in "Voss" lost the trust of his men and became physically and mentally broken. Harrison Petty may yet get the last laugh.
I look forward to future KJRs based on other famous works of literature. Dostoyevsky's "The Idiot" Amy be a good starting point.
Sweet Country Caroline Road
Mar 23, 2026
Can the MCG not get anything right? How hard can it be to mount a whole lot of poor quality speakers and play the same bits from 2 fifty year old songs at 120 decibels over and over, again and again, week after week, year after year. Who’s running the place now?
UpTheGuts
Mar 23, 2026
Watched young Patrick Voss last week at State Govt Stadium against a sluggish then somewhat not so sluggish Geelong. He drew a number of highly opinionated views from Cat fans (nothing new there) and even a few in the Purple Army quite derogatory in their summation of young Voss. For a forward he plays like a wannabe Plugger but without the true power and sheer terrorising fear Tony inflicted. And no where near the goal kicking ability. Which is fundamentally his job. His Saturday behaviour was again reflecting his inability to understand what he’s meant to be doing out there.(See Melbourne & Essendon forwards for more such examples.) I’m tipping there’s a defender coming his way who’ll gladly take a week or two for a “chop of the arms - and his dopey head”.
Adam
Mar 23, 2026
If only it were possible to bring back Steven May for a farewell match next time we play Freo.
Bluesman
Mar 23, 2026
@ The G Train, I think Ross Lyon has buggered up the Space-Time Continuum.
We're doomed.
Now, where's me Flux Capacitor...
DON FRANCISCO'S SISTER
Mar 23, 2026
"It was during Port Adelaide’s run of nine consecutive goals that I had to concede this may not be Essendon’s century."
Or to zoom in a little closer, it looks like Port Adelaide caught Essendon not only on a bad day but in another bad decade. I'd wish the Bombers better luck in the future, but they wouldn't know what to do with it.
Fifth Umpire
Mar 23, 2026
Bit harsh @Greg. I thought “first win in the reign of Pope Leo” was a Titus classic.
Anyway I’ve cracked the AFL round numbering code. It’s based on building levels where First Floor is actually the second floor and so on. That means Opening Round should be Ground Round or maybe Groundhog Round.
BAILEY BAYLEY
Mar 23, 2026
Fret not about comments concerning the reduced length of your comments, Titus. Didn't Voltaire say "La brièveté est l'âme de l'esprit"? Meaning: Brevity soul wit.
The G-Station
Mar 23, 2026
I'm a paying subscriber to your weekly commentary, Titus, because you're the only one who has shown empathy to SK supporters, no-one else does!
For example, when I protest to any random AFL supporter, that we (SK) lost to Geelong in a GF by a kick during a game in which Geelong received a goal after the ball hit the goal post and went at a 45 degree angle, the only reply is "YOU LOST! CHECK THE SCOREBOARD!!"
You should be in social work, the only one with empathy.... alone among football commentators describing the long, bitter trauma and struggle
The G Train
Mar 23, 2026
@Bluesmsn yes, we are doomed. Staggered that Tutus didn’t mention the vanished 29 seconds to end the first half St Kilda vs GWS. A rip in the Time-space continuum and Titus doesn’t even blink.
Daniel B
Mar 23, 2026
@Greg, I agree with your summation that ol' Titus is down on form. But as a Swans supporter, I've grown accustomed to disappointment.
Saint Kes
Mar 23, 2026
"Up by 39 points, St Kilda fans would have been feeling good if decades of intergenerational trauma hadn’t prepared them for what was to come."
In my case, 6 decades of trauma. As a Saints supporter I refuse to display an air of confidence until at least 10 minutes after the final siren. To quote Nate Crowley: "Never let your scars become drowned in gold."
Gareth
Mar 23, 2026
As a West Coast supporter, I watched the game from home, but our team unexpectedly winning would have thrown our public transport system used to the orderly flow of Eagles supporters leaving at half time into chaos.