Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Carlton (60) v Hawthorn (80)

At times, it looked like the Hawks had nineteen players out there.

Carlton are good at making other teams look like they have more players, as once again Patrick Cripps tried to lead from the front, only to look back and see not everyone was following.

It was noted that this was a better performance than the previous week, but Blues fans are a bit tired of slightly improved performances being held up as something to be happy about.

The Blues have lost nine of their past 11 games, which is a bit worrying for a team that seems to be in the third decade of a rebuild. 

Hawks fans are happy however, and who doesn’t love to see that?

This wasn’t the showtime Hawks, it was more like one of my columns, a hard slog with a few silly mistakes.

Still, that’s what good teams do, win in different ways, while bad teams, like Carlton, can lose in so, so many different ways.

Friday

Footscray (70) v Umpires (76)

A tight, exciting game, with heroic performances all over the field, with the most eye-opening being Sam Darcy.

Celebrating their centenary, the Doggies came out strong, before the Pies started to get on top.

From then on it was a struggle, as both teams tried to gain control.

Darcy was superb, with four goals and eight marks, and bobbed up every time the Dogs needed him.

Yet despite his heroics, the Dogs couldn’t match the umpires, who demanded the limelight, finding free kicks against the Doggies when it mattered most.

Like jazz, it’s also the free kicks you don’t call, and the umpires did that too, letting Pies players do some very interesting things with no whistle.

Soon the count was 33 to 14 in favour of the Magpies, and with the job done, the umpires celebrated with the Collingwood cheer squad after the final siren.

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Saturday

Essendon (100) v Adelaide (161)

The Essendon rebuild is a bit like the Very Fast Train proposal that is rolled out every few years.

It’s talked about a lot, sometimes there’s a new logo or slogan, it occasionally seems like it might happen, only for it to never really get started.

Against the Crows, who play the MCG about as well as I play any golf course (they hadn’t won there in 2822-days), the Bombers decided that defending was just too hard.

The Crows didn’t defend that much either, but that was after they realised they could win this shoot out easily.

It’s hard to convey just how non-existent the Bombers defence was.

The Crows had space everywhere, options everywhere, and when there was the occasional contest in their forward 50, Essendon’s defenders were pushed aside like they had never seen the inside of a gym before.

No wonder the board extended Brad Scott’s contract last year, they knew what a mess this list is and wanted to head off any talk of moving him on. 

The Crows would be very pleased with this result at the MCG. Unfortunately, if they make it back there in September, they won’t be facing Essendon.

Port Adelaide (140) v Richmond (68)

The Power did what they needed to do, they handled Richmond easily.

Let’s just agree that when the Power perform well it’s due to Josh Carr, and when they lose its Ken Hinkley’s fault.

As often happens, a team can look great in round one and terrible in round two, or vice versa.

After round one we massively overreact, then after round two we are confused and by round three we all have no idea what is going on.

The fun of footy is massively overreacting, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Richmond fans may not have noticed this result, they were still out celebrating their win against Carlton.

As Copernicus once said, “It’s a shame you can’t play Carlton every week.”

St Kilda (98) v Geelong (91)

The Saints scored a famous victory against the Cotton On company team in a complete turnaround from last week’s lacklustre performance.

Where last week the Saints seemed surprised to be out there, this week they looked like a team about to challenge for the flag.

Now I have no idea what to make of them.

The Saints were all energy, harassing the Cats into making uncharacteristic mistakes.

In many cases, St Kilda just won their one-on-one battles.

Rowan Marshall won his battle with Sam De Koning, while the Marvel Stadium surface got the better of Tom Stewart.

The Cats’ frustration boiled over when Patrick Dangerfield landed an elbow on Ryan Byrnes that the Macho Man Randy Savage would have been proud of.

The AFL have only fined him after he pleaded ‘I’m Patrick Dangerfield.’

Geelong finally clawed back the Saints, with a dominant fourth quarter, but the damage had been done, the Saints held on.

Sunday

Brisbane (94) v West Coast (75)

What can’t Harley Reid do?

He can run, kick, mark, handball, give away seven free kicks and give the finger to a fan.

I’m not saying Harley wants out of West Coast, but he’s doing a fair impression of someone who does.

It’s understandable though. He had more back covers in The West Australian than Fremantle and West Coast did last year.

Not since Jesus has someone been proclaimed the Messiah the much in print.

The good news is he was trying and this time his teammates were too.

The Lions had their hands full for most of this game, as the Eagles showed signs of competency.

West Coast got out to a 31-point, before the Lions slowly started to reel them in.

From there it felt inevitable.

Like the Millennium Falcon being hauled in by a tractor beam, or Clive Palmer starting a new political party.

Despite the loss, it was enough to give an Eagles fan some hope that their team can reach AFL standard in the next few years.

North Melbourne (125) v Melbourne (66)

As I made the harrowing trek to Marvel Stadium, a certain nervousness crept into my demeanor.

This isn’t that strange for a Demons supporter, but it felt like the Dees had spent the week giving themselves pats on the back for not losing by too much to the Giants, when really they should have been furious for letting that one slip.

But surely, they could handle the struggling Kangaroos?

Spoiler alert: they couldn’t.

In what was a disastrous afternoon, North ran all over the Dees, belting them in every single part of the game.

Credit where credit is due, North were fantastic. They ran, harried, took their chances, and displayed a level of skill the Dees could not match.

If you’re a North fan you’re not only happy with the win, you’re happy about the future.

The Dees on the other hand looked like a team in search of a gameplan.

When they had the ball, it was obvious they didn’t know what to do with it.

Players stood still everywhere, there was no movement, and the skills were frankly, horrendous.

On defence, the Dees missed tackle after tackle, and I’m talking easy ones. Time and time again, North players broke tackles like they were a team of prime Dustin Martins. 

After the game, Simon Goodwin alluded to Max Gawn facing off-field struggles.

It was very weird. Max was beaten but hardly the worst, and he is the least of Melbourne’s problems.

It felt a bit like a distraction from what was a disastrous outing.

Fremantle (65) v Sydney (68)

Like a night out with me, this was a tense, at times dour affair, with some drama late on.

Both sides needed to get their season started, with Sydney looking at an 0-3 started if they lost, despite it being only Round Two.

Fremantle were coming off a belting in Geelong, and both sides looked desperate to get the win.

Things didn’t look good for Sydney early, going into quarter time 22 points down after failing to kick a goal.

Fremantle though couldn’t capitalise on the lead, and in further proof they enjoy torturing their own fans, they let the Swans back into the contest.

After that it was a lock down affair with both side putting together three quarters of what can only be described as gritty football.

Fremantle certainly had their chances, but a Joel Amartey goal sealed it for the Swans.

Byes: Gold Coast, Greater Western Sydney

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