Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Friday

Carlton (65) v Port Adelaide (79)

With Carlton up 31 points in the second quarter, Blues fans would have been feeling confident, that is, if they were not Carlton fans.

Decades of ineptitude tends to make you a little jumpy.

Instead, it became for them an interesting thought exercise on how the Blues could stuff it up from here.

‘Stuffing it up from here since 1995’ could be their slogan.

After half-time, the Power wore down the Blues, like a kid asking if they can watch iPad. They just didn't stop, until you just want to throw the iPad out the nearest window but instead, you give in and become a bad parent.

Port’s problem in the first half was they made skill errors so basic that they would have stood out even at the Uncoordinated People World Conference.

The Uncoordinated People World Conference was held in Singapore this year and an amazing number of delegates injured themselves getting there.

One presentation ended with two broken legs.

Once the Power cleaned up their disposals, they seemed unstoppable, like a drunk e-scooter rider on the footpath.

Carlton have won just two games in their last five, against Richmond and North Melbourne. It’s time to grab the popcorn. 

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Saturday

North Melbourne (66) v Geelong (106)

Like a drunk friend telling an anecdote at 3am, North started off well enough but really trailed away before nodding off.

This was not a game worth watching unless you’re a Cats fan.

The Kangaroos had individual pieces that worked but, like my mate Denis’ outfits, as a whole, they just didn’t come together in a coherent whole.

I’m going to call it early; this won’t be North’s year.

At least they are not bottom of the ladder.

When I was in grade four my report card said, ‘not the worst kid in the class but in the conversation.’

I took a lot of comfort from that, and North can do similar.

Every year seems to be Geelong’s year.

Here they are again. Hanging around the eight like a bunch of teenagers at a 7-11. They’re just always there.

Their level of competency over a long period is an affront to us all.

Gold Coast (65) v Brisbane (93)

The Suns have turned in a normal Gold Coast season.

Promising signs early on, a pathological hatred of playing away from the Gold Coast and a collapse late in the season.

They may be the most consistent thing in our lives.

To be fair, it’s not like they’ve had an insane amount of talent poured into them for years.

Brisbane’s resurrection this season may be the greatest since a certain Middle Eastern carpenter caught the attention of the Romans.

They now sit second on the ladder, and above them are the Swans who currently have the confidence I had when I was the ‘ugly friend’.

Jokes on everyone else, now I don’t have friends.

Does this mean the Lions are now the Premiership favourites?

Is there even a premiership favourite? Or is this season so weird that anyone from about twelfth spot up, except Essendon, can win the Premiership?

St Kilda (108) v Essendon (55)

Like listening to Mark Taylor commentating the Olympic diving, there’s something not quite right about Essendon.

Essendon's biggest problem is they don’t like doing anything hard.

While relatable, it’s not an ideal approach for an AFL side, because Australian Rules is hard.

You need to do things like tackle, run, chase care and play defence.

The Bombers have too many players who actively avoid these things.

To be fair, they’ve only had a quarter of a century to work on these things.

St Kilda do like the hard things, they’ve hired Ross Lyon twice, and recently they have been trying the fun, new things, like scoring.

At one stage the Saints kicked eight consecutive goals, and it wasn’t just because they were playing Essendon (although mostly it was), they are playing with a lot of freedom at the moment 

A Ross Lyon side playing exciting high-scoring football? What’s next, an easy-to-deal with telco?

Melbourne (83) v Greater Western Sydney (85)

16,246 people made it to the MCG on Saturday night, and it was noticeable.

Walking into the G, I had to quickly check my phone to see if the game was at Marvel.

But it wasn’t.

More than any other team, the Dees have been deeply affected by their fans being able to afford to go to the Paris Olympics.

Throw in some good snowfall and there aren’t many Dees fans left in Melbourne.

If anything, the AFL should compensate us for the lost gate revenue.

I’ve analysed this game forensically, and it seems that after building a 27-point lead at quarter time, the Dees accidentally let the Giants kick 12 of the next 15 goals.

That’s a flawed game plan in my estimation.

And the Giants really tried to lose this.

For example, when Harvey Thomas ran into an almost open goal, the only person in his way was Jesse Hogan, who is his teammate.

This didn’t stop Hogan from refusing to get out of the way or Thomas deciding to drill the ball into him.

Despite their best efforts to not win, the Dees made sure that wasn't going to happen.

Fremantle (110) v West Coast (75)

In news to most, Fremantle, an AFL team from Western Australia, are third on the ladder!

The Fremantle Football Club, nicknamed the Dockers, is a professional Australian rules football club competing in the Australian Football League (AFL), the sport's elite competition. The team was founded in 1994 to represent the port city of Fremantle, a stronghold of Australian rules football in Western Australia. 

It was an entertaining Derby, partly because most teams bought a real ‘couple getting on each other’s nerves’ vibe to the game.

Harley Reid found himself in the middle of everything, and after giving away a free kick to Sam Switkowski, a melee broke out.

It was a costly melee, with $34,375 worth of fines now heading to the AFL’s Christmas party, which is one round of drinks.

Nat Fyfe, Jack Petruccelle and Jack Hutchinson were also suspended for a week each for various incidents.

The Eagles seemed to think that the match had ended after the melee, but there was still a quarter to go. Embarrassing.

Keep an eye on this Dockers side. I’ve done my homework and am right across them.

With players like Winston Abraham, Peter Bell, Craig Burrows, Matthew Burton, Scott Chisholm, Gary Dhurrkay, Scott Edwards, Quenton Leach, Jamie Merillo and David Muir, they could be trouble in September.

Sunday

Collingwood (93) v Richmond (67)

The Pies’ Finals dream is still alive. They just need to somehow play Richmond every week until then.

And while the AFL like to look after the Pies with the fixture, they’re not that generous.

Collingwood would be relieved to break their four-match losing streak, but it was against Richmond, so they’re probably keeping their excitement in check 

Adem Yze conceded after the game that not tagging Nick Daicos was a mistake.

That might be the understatement of the year.

By quarter time, Daicos had 18 disposals, 10 contested possessions, seven score involvements and five clearances.

Those stats would probably make you consider putting someone on him, but Richmond couldn’t be bothered.

And I get it. They’re last on the ladder, their season never really started, Dustin Martin has retired.

They aren’t even phoning it in, they’re texting it in.

Sydney (48) v Western Bulldogs (87)

Like the Paris Opening Ceremony, Sydney’s form recently had been weird and gone on a lot longer than necessary.

For so long they were a level above the rest of the competition and have picked a bad time to have a meltdown.

They’ll be hoping they are just getting this out of their system before finals, because the Bulldogs smashed them everywhere.

The Doggies suddenly look very good.

In recent weeks, they’ve beaten Carlton, Geelong and Sydney.

Geelong and Sydney are top teams!

Jamarra Ugle-Hagan has hit form at a great time, with a third consecutive haul of four goals.

Where in the past he has missed easy shots, or going missing, suddenly, he has a presence.

Add to that, the Bulldogs have got their tall forward line to be a positive not a negative.

It’s going to be an interesting September.  

Adelaide (58) v Hawthorn (124)

Hawthorn are as impressive as Adelaide are not.

Like a pantomime villain, the Hawks are arguably having more fun than anyone else.

They are playing great footy, but they are also delighting in taunting opponents and the opposition fans.

Hawthorn have what the kids call rizz. I think it means charisma but it all changes so fast these days.

For all I know it’s slang for some drug I’ve never heard of or could be shorthand for Betty Rizzo.

Are the kids into the work of Stockard Channing?

I remember when being young meant you could explain the difference between Beta and VHS to your parents.

Now to be young means you don’t know what VHS or Beta is.

I’m old enough to remember when the Crows were a competent football club.

This season they have underperformed to a level that is kind of amazing 

Luckily, Crows fans are a patient lot.

Last year they only missed the finals because of AFL incompetence. This year, they haven’t needed any help at all. They can take full credit.

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