Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Friday

Sydney (89) v Collingwood (86)

First off, my apologies for not getting the column out last week. After a flight, my leg swelled up, which I’m informed is not good.

“It’s good luck right?” I ask the doctor.

“It’s very dangerous and further evidence that your diet of chicken nuggets, beer and Viennetta will kill you.”

To add to that, I had to also move house last week.

It made things a little tricky. The good news is I’m fine, but it’s back to flying privately for me.

Sydney, in an exciting new tactic, turned up this week.

And they did it in the best way possible, a comeback win over Collingwood, with Craig McRae complaining about the umpires favouring the home side.

I personally thought it was more a case of letting the Swans kick the last five goals of the game that was the problem.

McRae complaining about umpires favouring the home side is like George Calombaris complaining his pay packet was short this week. 

The Pies get 14 games at the MCG this season.

They only play away from the MCG nine times.

Three of those away games were at Marvel, and two of those were Collingwood home games, the other was against North Melbourne.

That means they only left Victoria six times, and one of those was for Gather Round, where they played Hawthorn.

You could be a Collingwood player and by the end of the season, you’re still a bronze Frequent Flyer.

If you want to ensure you get my columns every week, the best way is to sign up for the email.

Saturday

Brisbane (64) v Greater Western Sydney (82)

Now this was interesting.

Brisbane had a 30-point lead at quarter time, which I think you’ll agree is a handy start.

The Giants big problem was they were getting smashed at the clearances. At quarter time, Adam Kingsley gently reminded his team, like an under-eight coach, that you needed to go and get the ball and not wait for it to come to you.

With this reminder, the Giants started to get some parity, but this alone wasn’t enough, to get back in the game, they needed the Lions to spectacularly stuff things up.

And enter stage left, Brisbane’s goal kicking.

They kicked 8.16 and for once, this wasn’t Joe Daniher’s fault.

Instead, it was a raft of players who kicked for goal like those people who have spun around a cricket bat as part of some godawful halftime entertainment at a Big Bash game.

They hit the post three times, putting the posts into GWS’ best players. On top of that, two shots went out on the full.

Still up by 15 in the last quarter, the Giants then came storming home. It’s beginning to feel a bit like 2019 for the Giants.

They are a real chance to get smashed in a Grand Final.

North Melbourne (97) v West Coast (102)

Like Houdini getting out of a strait jacket in a glass tank full of water, I’m still trying to figure out how North did this.

We all know the North Melbourne Football Club loves torturing some of the most loyal fans in the game, but this seemed sadistic even for them.

Up by 35 points at Blundstone Arena, in front of a big North Melbourne crowd of 6,619 people, it seemed a lock.

West Coast started to come at North in the third quarter but even then, it seemed in the 23rd minute of the fourth quarter, when Paul Curits booted a goal, things were sown up.

After all, the Kangaroos were up 96-77.

North fans however knew better. This had ‘heartbreaking loss’ written all over it.

The Eagles would kick the last four goals of the game, with Oscar Allen kicking the match-winning goal with just 18 seconds left.

It left the North fans wondering once again, why do I let them do this to me?

Fremantle (62) v Geelong (73)

Fremantle, despite having a decent season, don’t mind letting the close games slip.

Being a Dockers fans is certainly character-building. When you’re bad, which is often, you’re really bad, but when you’re good, you still lose games good teams should win.

They say, ‘Into each life some rain must fall’ but for Dockers fans, the saying is ‘Always expect damaging flooding.’

All this talk of teams rebuilding, just need to look at Geelong to see just how much nonsense it all is.

Standards, developing young players, evaluating talent accurately, knowing what you’re doing. These are more important than draft picks. Just look at how many top draft picks get wasted and you can see that is true.

Geelong sits in the top four, for what seems like the millionth year in a row.

It’s repetitive but they are like Law & Order, why change a formula when it’s working?

Essendon (86) v Gold Coast (87)

Arrested Development, Seinfeld, Cheers, Yes Minster, Blackadder, I Love Lucy, 30 Rock, Frontline, The Larry Sanders Show, Fawlty Towers and the Essendon Football Club.

We have been blessed over the years with some truly great sitcoms.

Perhaps the hardest thing for the writers of a sitcom is to remain consistent over the years.

To be honest, when James Hird left, I thought losing such a big cast member would hurt the show, but the writers at Essendon have found new areas to explore.

Bringing in Brad Scott has been a master stroke, as has making it appear the Bombers were finally turning the corner. Again.

But this week’s episode, losing to the Gold Coast Suns, who haven’t won away from home in over a year, with a kick by a defender after the siren, was arguably one of the best.

Mac Andrew, not only got involved in a melee but kicked four goals against Essendon, while the Bombers went 1.9 in the last quarter.

Sometimes you just have to recognise we have been blessed with one of the greatest sitcoms of all time.

Five stars.

Melbourne (51) v Port Adelaide (53)

Note since I sat in a movie theatre to watch Amy Heckerling’s 2000 film Loser, have I been so glad something is over.

Melbourne’s season has been an ongoing dumpster fire, even before it started, which is hard to do.

If you are looking for a guide for what you don’t want to happen in a season, this is your template.

Now to be fair, some of it was pure bad luck, while other events make you wonder what is going on.

There was Joel Smith being provisionally suspended for failing a drug test, Clayton Oliver’s myriad of stuff and Angus Brayshaw having to retire due to medical advice.

Then there was Christian Petracca’s injury, which saw Melbourne’s medical staff send him back on, Steven May breaking his ribs more than once and Max Gawn missing games injured.

Oh, and a forward line allergic to kicking goals.

Aside from that, it was a great year.

Losing to Port, in a boring defensive grind was a perfect way to allow Melbourne fans to put a line through September and tell the staff to prepare their summer estates to be ready early this year.

Now, if you’re standing, sit down. Port are second on the ladder and it’s round 22.

Looking forward to Port fans explaining how this is a terrible job by Ken Hinkley.

‘It’s not finals yet!’ I hear them yell. A fair point, but still, better than expected just a few weeks ago.

My new show Sport: The Unauthorised History is coming to Adelaide this Father’s Day, Sunday September 1. Ticket on sale now.

Sunday

Carlton (38) v Hawthorn (112)

The yin and yang of life. Carlton leaves the eight, but Hawthorn goes in.

The Blues have been rebuilding so long that there are many adults who can’t remember a time when they weren’t.

I remember. It was back last century, in a geological period known as ‘The Nineties.’

Back then, Carlton had the best team money could buy.

Since then, the Blues have been locked in a ferocious battle with Essendon to see which club can make more of a galah of themselves on a regular basis.

This year, things seemed to be going well for the Blues, only for a spectacular run of five losses in six weeks.

It has been a satisfying return to form.

The Blues are a bit like the British aristocracy, believing they deserve success because of things achieved a long time ago by other people.

Against Hawthorn, who are the club Carlton thinks they are, the Blues managed to be terrible both defensively and offensively.

Now we must get our head around Hawthorn being in the finals. It’s like we knocked an asteroid off course, only to learn it’s still going to hit us, only faster.

Richmond (51) v St Kilda (99)

It’s fair to say Richmond are not rebuilding on the run. They have come to a complete stop.

With Dustin Martin retiring, the wheels have certainly come off, and it’s hard to know when they will get new wheels.

There’s talk of them having a fire sale at the end of the year to get draft picks. I just hope they get Tobias Fünke to do the fire sale ad.

St Kilda have improved over the season, which is a nice change, they have even but up some respectable scores.

What would be exciting is for them to be good for an entire season. St Kilda are like a Melbourne winter. There’s the occasional day of sunshine that makes you feel good, but overall, it’s a cold, miserable experience.

Adelaide (111) v Western Bulldogs (72)

This would have been a handy win for the Bulldogs, but beating Adelaide is, well it’s not that hard but the Doggies couldn’t do it.

It was inaccuracy in front of goal that did it.

The Dogs kicked 9.18, with Sam Darcy kicking 1.5 and one out of bounds, which isn’t great.

Luke Beveridge said after the game, "Adelaide might have played the best game out of any team this weekend."

Which is sort of humble bragging, to make out that to have beaten you someone would have to have played incredibly well.

Plus, it’s not true, Hawthorn played the best game of the round, even if it was against Carlton.

My new show Sport: The Unauthorised History is coming to Adelaide this Father’s Day, Sunday September 1. Ticket on sale now.

With Adelaide booked in, I’ll be announcing other cities on my national tour in the next few weeks. If you want to be notified and aren’t on my mailing list, sign up here.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus