Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Friday

Essendon (59) v Sydney (98)

Essendon looked in control in the first half of this, right until the Swans started trying, which was unfair of Sydney.

The Bombers, who avoid finals like a corporation avoids paying tax, once again collapsed in a manner that was either amusing or soul-destroying, depending on your allegiances.

All the talk of an ‘Essendon Edge’ turned out to be more like when you call someone with red hair ‘Bluey.’

The Bombers turned out to be more like a lava cake. As things went on, they revealed a wonderfully soft centre, and once that emerged, the whole thing lost its structure.

You can see why Dyson Heppell wasn’t given a farewell game; how could they possibly squeeze him into such a talented side 

Sydney’s win means they secured the minor premiership, and in terrible news for the Victorian media, the first five spots on the ladder are interstate teams.

And yes, in Melbourne, Geelong are considered an interstate team.

Even worse, of the three Melbourne teams, one is Carlton, and their odds of holding on to eighth spot are about the same as someone under sixty watching the Logies.

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Saturday

Gold Coast (63) v Melbourne (117)

Players might be injured, or want out, but the Dees have not yet sunk to the level of the Suns.

In fact, if Petracca had not been injured, the Dees might have even played finals this year.

I know that’s a being a bit ‘the glass of Leroy Domaine d'Auvenay Chevalier-Montrachet Grand Cru is half full’, but we Dees fans are known for our positivity.

All this is to say, rumours of the Dees complete destruction are a bit over blown, but you’d also be a fool not to concede there are a few issues needing fixing at the club.

I’d like to hear a bit more from the top echelons of the club about what is the plan to fix things.

They were pretty vocal when we won the premiership but have gone strangely quiet since.

The Suns have once again delivered a disappointing season, proving they are the most consistent team in the league.

Damien Hardwick will find the honeymoon over pretty quickly up there when the harsh glare of the Gold Coast media comes upon him. This should happen when they discover there is an AFL team up there.

Greater Western Sydney (101) v Fremantle (92)

Fremantle did themselves no favours on the weekend, which makes them both relatable and consistent.

Three losses in a row has them out of the eight, and if people cared about them, it would be a big story.

Now, they face Port next week and need Carlton to lose. The beating Port bit will be hard.

Freo’s big problem was Jesse Hogan. He booted six goals. Oh, to have a player like that. You’d never let him go.

Aside from Hogan, the Giants had Brent Daniels, who seems to delight in creating mayhem in the forward half.

Fremantle chased him around like an ineffective parent trying to catch their toddler, who just spilt red cordial all over a white leather couch.

The Giants are in third position, in form and would be thinking ‘why not us?’ which in this crazy season, any of the top seven would also be thinking.

Collingwood (79) v Brisbane (78)

Brisbane really needs to stop letting Collingwood beat them by narrow margins.

The Lions started strong, with a 31-point lead in the first quarter, which most would agree should see you go on to win a game.

But then Nick Daicos happened. 

He had two goals and 13 possessions in the second quarter as he bent the game to his will. 

With Collingwood coming back, the Lions spent the rest of the game trying to slow the game down.

It was like watching me ride a horse for the first time, desperately clinging on and screaming in an unsettling manner, while everyone watched on both entertained and losing respect for me. 

Like the Lions, the horse left me lying on the ground, defeated.

The worst bit of this is the door is still open for Collingwood to play finals.

All they need to do is beat Melbourne by about 100 points, and then have St Kilda beat Carlton by 100 points. Easy.

Oh, and they need Port to beat Fremantle.

Collingwood keeps showing they can get out of tight situations, but this may be beyond even them.

Port Adelaide (80) v Adelaide (58)

It wasn’t that long ago Port supporters were booing Ken Hinkley.

And it probably won’t be long until they are again, with finals rapidly approaching.

Showdowns are always intense, and Josh Rachele certainly raised the temperature in the lead up, accusing Port fans of having no teeth.

Port fans weren’t fussed, they’ve been accused of much worse, usually in court, and they had the last laugh as the Crows lost and Rachele ended up not playing.

The big moment of the night was when Dan Houston knocked out Izak Rankine with a huge bump to the head.

This being the modern AFL, the umpires waved ‘play on’ as Rankine distressingly thrashed on the ground. 

Jason Horne-Francis ended up with the ball and kicked a goal.

How, in a time when looking at a player above their shoulders results in a high contact free kick, was this not called?

Not since Christian Petracca was sent back on the field have I seen such a bad decision.

I’m looking forward to seeing how the AFL declares the umpire made the right decision while also suspending Houston for five weeks.

In AFL land that’s considered consistent.

My new show Sport: The Unauthorised History is coming to Adelaide this Father’s Day, Sunday September 1. Ticket on sale now.

St Kilda (107) v Geelong (89)

St Kilda may not be playing finals, but there’s hope for next year.

That’s what you hear this time of year every season.

Perhaps this time it will be different? Right Saints fans? Right?

Geelong certainly would have liked to have won this and solidified a top four finish. Now they face the difficult challenge of beating West Coast to do that.

Easily the most disappointing part of the loss for the Cats was Joel Selwood, commentating this game, putting the loss down to effort. 

When the Patron Saint of Effort calls you out, you’re off on a shame spiral that could last months.

Selwood played every game like his life depended on it, and your life depended on it too.

Geelong would want to lift. He’s not angry, just disappointed.

Sunday

Western Bulldogs (138) v North Melbourne (42)

Sam Darcy unleashed seven goals and just because it was against North Melbourne, it was still impressive.

The Dogs just needed the win, and they did that and then some.

It sets up an interesting match next week against fellow finalists the Giants, who they have always shared a warm relationship with.

North played very much like a side that is already in Bali.

So as they play almost every game.

There’s been a few rays of sunshine, but overall, their season has, according to Champion Data, ‘sucked’.

After quarter time, North looked almost as disinterested in the game as I was.

Hawthorn (131) v Richmond (68)

Two things broke on Sunday, Richmond and Will Day’s collarbone.

One has an impact on finals.

It was a sad moment as he went off. Even though Hawthorn are obviously a force for evil, even I felt sorry for such a great player to miss finals.

And at a time when the team is so entertaining.

The first quarter was like watching the Harlem Globetrotters playing the Washington Generals, and comparing Richmond to the Generals is an insult to the Generals.

Hawthorn just did whatever they wanted and now they need to beat North to guarantee finals, so they are playing finals. Sad.

I’ll say this about Richmond, they went from the top to the bottom faster than the Titanic. 

West Coast (34) v Carlton (99)

Hopes that Carlton would lose, held by every footy fan who doesn’t barrack for Carlton, quickly evaporated in this one.

It does set up a potentially funnier scenario, where they could miss finals in the final round. They play St Kilda, so it’s no sure thing they’ll win that and then it gets into other results.

Carlton’s strategy remains let Patrick Cripps carry us, which is more effective than it should be.

How he had lasted this long without breaking down physically, is a testament to what a great player he is.

West Coast aren’t going out fighting. Almost all their players didn’t seem interested at all in proceedings.

Given 48,455 fans showed up to watch them, despite the Eagles being nowhere near finals, you’d have expected just a little bit of effort.

Instead, the Eagles hung in for a quarter before deciding that was enough and entering self-preservation mode.

My new show Sport: The Unauthorised History is coming to Adelaide this Father’s Day, Sunday September 1. Ticket on sale now.

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