Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Collingwood (72) v Geelong (97)

When, or should that be if, Scott Pendlebury retires, surely Ollie Dempsey inherits the ‘did you know he has a basketball background’ title in the AFL.

Dempsey showed once again he is the game’s premier wingman, with his vision second to none.

Did you know that’s because of his basketball background? He played point guard for the state, and what did basketball give him? That’s right spatial awareness.

It is illegal to mention an AFL player with a basketball background and not mention their spatial awareness.

That’s Geelong, finding diamonds in the rough, and it makes all the difference when you’re covering a heap of injuries.

The Pies may not have won the game, but they trialled a new start to the game, no warm up after running through the banner, just come out and go through the banner and start.

I for one applaud this. If it guarantees a Pies loss, let’s do it every week.

This week’s Sport Bizarre podcast looks at FIFA President Gianni Infantino and his rise to power.

Friday

Fremantle (78) v Western Bulldogs (41)

Dockers fans, now assured of a top two finish, can turn their minds to how their team can stuff it up from here.

That’s been the Freo mindset since they started, and it’s a hard mindset to shift.

It’s a bit like believing you don’t deserve to be loved. You tend to self-sabotage.

Freo’s motto should be Se ipsum destruere, which means to destroy oneself.

But what if this year is different? Can Dockers fans handle success?

As a Dees fan, I’ve spent years processing the fact we were a good team and could win a premiership.

It’s like the dog catching the car. I hadn’t ever entertained the possibility will happen. This year the Dockers could have the same problem.

I haven’t really mentioned the Bulldogs, as there wasn’t that much to mention. 

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Saturday

St Kilda (88) v Sydney (107)

No one crafts, or curates, a heart-breaking loss quite like St Kilda. A Saints loss is the Grange of losses. There are years of expertise behind it.

Up for three quarters and at home, the Saints still managed to find a way to give up nine of the last 11 goals.

It had all the classic hallmarks of a St Kilda loss.

Losing from a winnable position, stars getting injured, and Ross Lyon getting annoyed with the post-game questions.

It was a real get out of jail game for the Swans. They looked poor early on, but when it mattered their stars got going.

The Swans still have more question marks over them than some milk a day past it’s use before date.

Hawthorn (99) v North Melbourne (83)

I saw the Kangaroos described as ‘plucky’ in the media this week which is the one-word fans hate to hear about their club.

No one ever calls you plucky if you’re winning.

The Roos were even a point in front as the fourth quarter started, after all, they’d been plucky.

Perhaps the pluckiest of the Roos was Charlie Comben who had to catch the Spirit of Tasmania to the Apple Isle rather than a plane.

That was due to him being in hospital last weekend, coughing up blood. That’s a bad week, in hospital, then a sea voyage across Bass Strait.

A journey more harrowing than The Odyssey.

Hawthorn has Nick Watson to thank for the win. Looking lost early on, it was the Wizard who set the Hawks on fire.

He booted five and is an inspiration to short people with a lot of personality everywhere.

Port Adelaide (63) v Greater Western Sydney (75)

If it wasn’t for the top ten, the Giants season would be completely done, but they are still a chance to play finals, in further proof we don’t need a top ten.

This was not a game to write home about, or even a column about. I watched it but I kept nodding off on the couch.

I love a couch nap normally, but I woke up with one of my arms completely dead, and a small child whacking me in the head.

I should stress the small child was mine, otherwise that would be weird, like something out of a David Lynch film.

Why do young children refuse to let you sleep?

I suppose they like being awake, their heads not filled with years of regret.

Carlton (154) v Brisbane (78)

This is getting a little ridiculous now. Blues fans had only just started to adjust to not having their hearts ripped out of their chest every week.

Now they get a 76-point thrashing of the reigning premiers. It’s too much too soon.

It’s like going from having every woman turn you down, to suddenly Sydney Sweeney is desperate to marry you.

It’s too big a jump for the human mind to comprehend.

While other Carlton coaching hopefuls are working on fancy PowerPoint presentations, Josh Fraser can just send them a copy of this game.

 He’s even playing hard to get, not committing yet to the process to find a coach.

I get it. Know your value Josh. You turned around Carlton. I put that up there with the Moon landing in terms of difficulty.  

Brisbane’s big problem is their defence.

It’s about as effective as mine is in an argument with my partner.

No matter how well set up it seems, how confident I am going in, holes are easily found, weaknesses exploited, until eventually you’re being ground into the dust.

Soon you’re wondering how you went from being so confident of winning, to instead wishing the contest had never even started, and you could just pretend the whole thing never happened. 

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Sunday

Richmond (84) v West Coast (73)

A number four using a don’t argue to break a tackle and then booting the winning goal.

In that moment, Tigers fans were transported back to the late 2020s.

Back when Dusty ruled the roost, every pub and tobacconist wasn’t on fire, and the world was going crazy for fidget spinners.

Tigers fans just wanted a ray of sunshine in a season of dark clouds and on Sunday, they got it.

West Coast fans had no such luck. This was surely one they thought they’d get, but they were their own worst enemy.

They booted 9.19 in an appalling display of inaccuracy. Not since my last trip to the driving range have I seen a display like it. 

Gold Coast (105) v Melbourne (114)

Ten losses in a row for the Suns as they do a reverse Carlton.

They started the year like Gout Gout but are finishing the year like my uncle, who has gout.

No team has more talent and less to show for it.

Back in July, Damien Hardwick said their season was over, the team didn’t decide, ‘We’ll show him’ they went ‘Damien, how are you only just realising this now?’

They were in this game. Their midfield was firing, they had the Dees on the ropes, but when it mattered, the Suns played like it didn’t matter.

The same cannot be said for Max Gawn, who willed his team back into the competition.

Sunday was a tough day for Christian Petracca.

It was like running into your ex and discovering they looked happier and healthier than ever before, have an exciting new job, and are seeing someone who is ‘really, really great.’

“And how are you?”

“I’m good.”

As Christian’s eyes stared into the distance, as memories of a happier time came flooding back.

Essendon (73) v Adelaide (145)

Back to the bottom of the ladder the Bombers go, as they continue to meander aimlessly through the season.

The Crows were ruthless and took the opportunity to get into the top four.

Adelaide are a real smoky in the finals. You’d say they can’t win the premiership, but then you’d have said they wouldn’t be top four at this stage of the season either.
As for Essendon, it’s asking a lot of James Hird to turn this team around. The idea he’s going to fix everything through his aura alone is a weird one.

The other arguments I’ve heard for his return is it couldn’t get any worse. That seems like a foolish challenge to the Essendon Football Club.

They’ve shown time and time again they can always get worse.

Essendon’s problem for the past two decades has been the factions around the club. Hird doesn’t fix that. But I’m not sure there is anyone alive who can fix that.

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