Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Friday

Melbourne (57) v Daicos Brothers (103)

Even God was bored with this game, sending lighting to express his displeasure.

Unfortunately, the AFL are a godless bunch, and they made sure a pointless game resumed for a delayed pointless ending.

Both these teams can point to injuries, but with their lists, it’s a disgrace they aren’t in the eight and they’ll be more soul-searching going on than when you suffer a horrendous hangover.

The Pies will wonder if the league has figured them out, while the Dees will spend it defending a culture that has so obviously gone so awry that they could be a commercial television network.

Melbourne brought a real ‘NBA All-Star Game’ intensity to this, and the Daicos brothers did not, stuffing the stats sheet like American tourists at a buffet.

When it finally finished, Razor Ray received what appeared to be a guard of honour from both teams, but it may have been they were just making sure he left. 

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Saturday

Hawthorn (170) v North Melbourne (46)

To give you some sense of just how bad North were defensively, this game was played in a light drizzle, and still, the Hawks poured on 170 points.

These two sides were meant to be at a similar stage not that long ago. The fact Hawthorn will play finals, and North didn’t even turn up for this shows you how much enthusiasm changes things.

When things aren’t going well, supporters just want to see effort, and North just don’t bring that.

This may have been a pointless game for the Kangaroos, but given they only won three games this year, that’s been the case for months.

A winning culture is built by, wait for it, trying to win.

Even in games that don’t ‘mean’ anything.

Its why tanking is a terrible thing for a club.

Like most things, true wisdom comes from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, such as when Garth says to a young Indy, "You lost today kid, but that doesn't mean you have to like it."

There’s a sense at North, told they are always building for the future and not this season, that they’ve come to not mind losing as much as they should.

Hawthorn on the other hand hates losing. It is never acceptable.

You can be unsociable, you can do over-the-top celebrations, the only thing you can’t do is lose.

Geelong (168) v West Coast (75)

Are there any finalists more under the radar than Geelong?

They are the stealth bomber of the finals, making them the only Bomber in the finals.

The Cats finished third, have a heap of finals experience, and go into a finals series so wide open, they have to like their chances.

Geelong also got this late training run against the Eagles, who didn’t even try to hide how much they didn’t care about this game 

With the Cats up by 100 points at halftime, the Eagles were a little better in the second half but it would have been hard to match the disaster that was the first half.

Jeremey Cameron booted nine, helped by the fact the Eagles defence seemed genuinely scared of him. Wherever he was, they were not.

The Eagles season can be characterised as a little better than the one before, but beating historic lows is not something to be too proud of.

Richmond (66) v Gold Coast (94)

A game was played to meet contractual obligations.

The Suns won, and Richmond secured the wooden spoon, then Tigers fans said 

Goodbye to Dustin Martin, Dylan Grimes and Marlion Pickett.

That’s about it really. 

Brisbane (87) v Essendon (67)

Brisbane challenged Essendon to a night of seeing who could make the worst decisions and skill errors, and while it was close, the Bombers were always going to win that contest.

Bombers fans have every right to be furious with their team. They’ve had decades of being told things are going to be different, only for the same outcome again and again.

Be patient they are told, then they watch the old enemy, Hawthorn, shoot past them like a Ferrari overtaking a tricycle.

They don’t over-promise and underdeliver, they promise not much and manage to limbo under that each year.

Brisbane didn’t exactly impress in this one. They seemed at times to be new to the sport.

Luckily for them, they face Carlton in week one of the finals, the equivalent of discovering you’ve got a substitute teacher on the day you were meant to have a big test.

It means that with this game, then the bye, then Carlton, it will be about a month until they play an AFL side.  

Not always an ideal preparation for finals.

Sydney (121) Adelaide (90)

The Crows headed up to Sydney on Saturday to help anoint the Swans minor premiers.

The first quarter saw the Crows match it with the Swans, but after that they put the secateurs back in the shed.

Adelaide had a season-best forgotten and have not exactly left their supporters feeling positive about next season.

Not even accusing Port fans of having no teeth has gone well. That used to be a sure thing.

Luckily for Crows fans, they have complete faith the club knows what it’s doing.

The Swans have now locked in the double chance, and there’s every chance they’ll need it.

This season has not been predictable. Now some would say that’s the way the AFL designed it, with their focus on equalisation, but normally, when the AFL tries to achieve something, they produce the opposite.

So who knows what is going on? Still, at their best, the Swans are a cut above everyone else, it’s just their worst is pretty bad.

My new show Sport: The Unauthorised History is coming to Adelaide this Father’s Day, Sunday September 1. Ticket on sale now.

Sunday

Western Bulldogs (98) v Greater Western Sydney (61)

Probably no one else has observed this before, Ballarat is windy.

Why is it so windy? I don’t know, probably something to do with its location, geography and prevailing weather patterns. I know as much about the weather as I do about the footy.

What I do know is the Bulldogs are going to be trouble in September. Not bad given Luke Beveridge had lost the players just a few months ago, and that was true, it was in the media.

Here they were against another finalist, and they handled it.

The only negative was Liam Jones facing a nervous wait for the Match Review Officer.

The Giants it must be said did have a few outs. The way the results fell, they will now have to travel to Sydney in the first week of the finals.

Getting from Western Sydney to Sydney is a trip on par with Perth to Melbourne and slightly more dangerous.

Carlton (74) v St Kilda (76)

Can we just begin by saying whoever threw the water bottle at the umpire is an idiot. For starters, Marvel has more CCTV than a high-security prison.

They’ll find out who it was. The punishment is simple. All the umpires get to throw water bottles at the person. Let he who is without sin cast the first water bottle.

It was comical in the end. With the Blues up and almost no time yet, you just knew the Saints would get a goal.

Despite us all knowing this, it didn’t make it any less funny.

Now some say you shouldn’t find enjoyment from other people’s misery, but whoever says that isn’t a sport fan.

That’s a huge part of being a sports fan.

Social media was abuzz with people barracking for the Saints, desperate to see the Blues miss finals.

The mood spread to the umpires who also became keen to see Carlton miss out. It even spread to some of the Blues players, who missed easy opportunities.

In the end, if Carlton fans had souls, they would have been destroyed. Again.

Now they had to wait and see if Fremantle, a team known for also torturing their fans, could do them a solid and losing in heartbreaking fashion.

Spoiler alert, they could!

Fremantle (67) v Port Adelaide (87)

It wouldn’t take a few hours, but depending on how you frame it, Fremantle either did Carlton fans a favour or prolonged their misery.

Needing to win to play finals, Fremantle did not.

What was worse was they fumbled their way to this loss while Matthew Pavlich had to commentate.

Pav was working hard to be the ultimate professional, praising the Power in the final quarter, but it did feel a bit like a hostage saying they were being treated well in a proof of life video.

As the Dockers, who were in striking distance, fumbled the ball repeatedly, they finally broke him.

“They just keep fumbling,” said Pev a man in pain.

It’s cruel stuff this game and Pav represented every Dockers fan who must wonder how over the last few months they managed to play themselves out of the finals.

Over the last few months, it honestly felt harder for them to do that than to make the finals.

Pav reflected that when the pressure was on this year the Dockers were found wanting. You could hear the emotion in his voice.  He was both mad and disappointed.

As for the Power, they were again impressive. As we all predicted at the start of the year, they finished second on the ladder.

Can they win the premiership? Of course, every team in the finals except Carlton has a chance!

Phew. I go through the whole column without saying ‘put the cue in the rack.’

My new show Sport: The Unauthorised History is coming to Adelaide this Father’s Day, Sunday September 1. Ticket on sale now.

With Adelaide booked in, I’ll be announcing other cities on my national tour in the next few weeks. If you want to be notified and aren’t on my mailing list, sign up here.

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