Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

St Kilda (67) v Hawthorn (119)

I have a mate (suspend disbelief for a moment) who never does anything on a school night.

St Kilda reminded me of him on Thursday night.

They came out of the gates like someone at the end of a nine-hour bender leaving a pub.

As the Hawks piled on the goals, the Saints didn’t boot a single one in the first half. They haven’t done that since 1987.

They were historically bad. They equalled their lowest halftime score since 1957.

The only thing stopping Hawthorn in the first half was the umpires.

Nick Watson kicked a goal after the siren and the crowd erupted.

The umpires then decided they hadn’t had enough of the limelight and ruled he ran off the line.

It was ridiculous.

This week’s Sports Bizarre Podcast is our series on Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, a man who appeared as a character in Seinfeld and fired everyone.

Friday

Carlton (88) v Geelong (84)

A few weeks ago, Carlton played football with the enthusiasm of a person going to the electric chair.

Now they play with the excitement of a bus full of women off on a winery tour.

For Michael Voss, this must be like watching your ex marry the rebound guy.

The statue of Josh Fraser is already being built outside Visy Park.

It’s astounding how he has turned them around. Everyone else made coaching Carlton look like driving a car with no petrol in it.

The Cats would be furious after this game.

Dealing with the loss to Carlton was one thing; having the ARC fail to not work again was another.

Ollie Dempsey’s non-goal wasn’t reviewed by the ARC.

That’s the wonderful thing about the ARC, it can do a bad job when it reviews things, and it can do a terrible job when it doesn’t review something.

Technology was meant to improve things, but more often than not, it makes things worse.

The internet and social media have ruined society, stop-start technology in cars is annoying and the ARC somehow makes umpiring even more infuriating.

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Saturday

Sydney (170) v Richmond (56)

Charlie Curnow always seems to shine when the stakes are lowest, and they couldn’t be any lower for the Swans in this one, facing a Richmond side that could barely find enough warm bodies.

This was not really a game, more a light training run for the Swans, as the Richmond VFL team struggled to meet the pace, intensity and skills of one of the best sides in the competition.

It was like watching a greyhound race a Chihuahua, except less entertaining.

The Swans can’t really take much out of this, while the Tigers have one key thing to work on, stop injuring all their players.

Brisbane (78) v Fremantle (103)

The Dockers have now won eleven in a row and are destroying teams with a casual ease that is scary.

They are going so well, they’ve turned Patrick Voss into a star.

That’s the Patrick Voss who was cut by Essendon and just kicked four goals against the reigning premier. Zach Merret should try to get to Freo. 

I’ve been so impressed by them I’ve started paying attention into their team.

Did you know Nat Fyfe has retired?

The Lions however, look to be in trouble. They’ve left their homework to the last minute before and still delivered an A+ but they’re way off currently.

The way back is simple to say but hard to do, their stars need to play better.

Chris Fagan just needs to channel Homer Simpson as a boss.

“Are you guys working?”

“Yes, sir, Mr. Simpson.”

“Could you, um, work any harder than this?”

“Sure thing, boss.”

Western Bulldogs (97) v Collingwood (93)

The Bulldogs, on the ropes with injuries for most of the year, have put together two strong weeks to turn their season around.

It was the stars who came to the fore in this one.

Jordan De Goey and Nick Daicos for the Pies and Ed Richards and Marcus Bontempelli took the game to a whole new level.

One thing that’s great to have in any football side is great football players.

A little secret I’ve picked up from my years studying the game is you really can’t have too many great players.

One is fine, two is good but don’t stop there, try and get more.

Some teams don’t learn that. They have gone for zero great players. Weird, huh?

It’s easy to get them. All you need to do is identify them when they’re young, have the right picks in a ridiculously compromised draft, develop them over years and hope they don’t demand a trade to Hawthorn or Geelong when they become a restricted free agent.

Nothing could be simpler.

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Sunday

Melbourne (70) v Greater Western Sydney (119)

The Dees have now lost their last four games in Alice Springs, not ideal when you’re selling home games. It’s selling wins for money.

And just quietly, the Dees have a pretty good home ground. It’s a little oval called the Melbourne Cricket Ground, and it suits them really well.

Not that Alice Springs was the only reason they lost. The Giants have a guy called Clayton Oliver. The Dees could use a player like him.

The Dees had two major issues. One, they couldn’t score when they went forward, which triggered some suppressed trauma, and secondly, they couldn’t stop the Giants scoring.

While the Demons entered their forward half with the coordination of a group of kids always picked last for any sporting team, the Giants were precise.

When they went into their forward line, they kicked, accurately, to a teammate, often on their own, rather than kicking it directly to an opponent of to a three-on-one.

Revolutionary stuff.

West Coast (85) v Essendon (55)

Getting James Hird back is possibly the worst idea since someone said, ‘Should we take serve rabbit terrine to a room full of Collingwood fans?’

Somehow, they’ve created a situation that has scared away every premiership coach looking for a job.

Essendon are a bin fire, in a dumpster fire, and that dumpster is in the reactor room of Chornobyl, and things look like they are somehow getting worse.

They didn’t even get the post-coach sacking bounce.

This seemed to be the ceremonial passing of the baton for the biggest basket case in the AFL from the Eagles to the Bombers.

The win was especially impressive for the Eagles given this was being played in a wind tunnel.

Conditions made it tough for the Eagles, but the Bombers skills seemed the same as normal.

Byes: Adelaide, Gold Coast, North Melbourne, Port Adelaide

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