Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Essendon (72) v Port Adelaide (60)

If you watch the second quarter of this, you may be entitled to compensation for pain and suffering.

After one goal, the next didn’t come for 23 minutes.

Those 23 minutes felt like 23 years, as both sides seemed incapable of anything resembling an athletic feat.

Kicks went directly to opponents, marks were dropped, tackles missed, and decision-making was of the ‘you guys guard the bee’ type.

After that, the game did improve somewhat, but the Bombers kicking for goal didn’t, as they seemed to be going out of their way to lose this one.

The problem was, as much as Essendon tried to lose, Port were just more determined to lose.

It’s going to be a long season for Port fans. I wouldn’t put it past them to sack Hinkley then Carr.

Once again, I’m performing at Gather Round in ‘Lehmo and Titus’ Gather Round Extravaganza’. It sold out last year, so get your tickets here.

Friday

Carlton (75) v Western Bulldogs (83)

In life, you can be happy, or you can be a Carlton supporter.

How the Blues haven’t been reported to the Human Rights Commission for what they’ve done to their fans, I’ll never know.

If this sort of psychological warfare was being perpetrated on any other group, there would be outrage, but it’s happening to Blues supporters so were all fine with it.

Again, they performed the old bait and switch. They appeared to have come good, only to then fall apart.

The Dogs, despite a slow start, were comfortable in the knowledge they were playing Carlton.

They slowly worked their way into the game, and it got so close, that everyone wondered in what way the Blues would lose.

Turns out they let Aaron Naughton off the chain, and the Doggies are now in the eight.

They just have to hang in there for the next five months.

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Saturday

Melbourne (62) v Gold Coast (120)

As a lifelong Dees fan, I’ve seen some bad footy in my time, and this was right up there.

The Demons looked like they had never seen a football before, let alone touched one.

It was like there were two different footballs out there. One was bone dry, the other covered in soap, as the Dees dropped marks and fumbled the ball all day.

It turns out that sitting around a campfire singing Kumbaya all preseason is not the best way to prepare for a football season.

Matt Rowell was superb, as were all the Suns midfielders. They sliced Melbourne apart with their strength and speed.

Gold Coast already have two away wins and a percentage of 230.6.

Sure, they’ve only played Melbourne and West Coast, but could this be the year people on the Gold Coast discover they have an AFL team?

As for Demons fans, this is starting to feel a lot like the 1970s, the 1980s, the 1990s, the 2000s, and the 2010s.

St Kilda (135) v Richmond (53)

St Kilda had a job to do, and they did it. As a fan, that’s what you ask for but often don’t get.

The Tigers haven’t won at Marvel Stadium since Damien Hardwick said he hated the stadium. They’ve played eleven games there since then.

They weren’t bad in the first half, but a 14-goals-to-two second half making this a hard watch for anyone not a Saints supporter. 

The main talking point was Rhyan Mansell pushing Liam O'Connell into a pack, resulting in O'Connell going off.

There were a few of these in the preseason so the AFL will be keen to send a message with the three-match suspension they’ve offered.

It is peak AFL to suspend Mansell, given the umpires on the day rewarded a free kick to Tom Lynch for the incident.

Hawthorn (76) v Greater Western Sydney (64)

You couldn’t have a humbler, success-starved group of people than Hawks fans, and that’s why we’re all just thrilled they are back on top of the ladder.

When the last period of Hawks domination ended, we survivors stumbled out into the light, like bunker dwellers emerging after the apocalypse. The air was so sweet, the sun warmed our faces.

We thought it would last forever. We were fools.

All too quickly we are back here, and while I know some people are suffering around the globe more than me, it doesn’t feel like it.

If you wonder why the AFL demands a roof for Tasmania’s new stadium, you just had to see the wind at this game.

Every goal in the first-half were scored with the wind. Players were holding on the goal posts not to get blown away.

And yes, I’m aware Launceston and Hobart are different places, but when I looked on a map, they are just centimetres apart from each other.

Brisbane (70) v Geelong (61)

It was déjà vu all over again for the Cats as the Lions came from behind to gun them down.

Last time, it was the preliminary final when the Cats led by 25 points. This time they led by 32 points.

Brisbane certainly likes to start slowly this season. They’ve trailed in every game this season, only to come back and win them all.

It’s almost like they looked at last year’s slow start to the season and thought, ‘let’s do that in games too’.

That might be a risky strategy though as the season progresses.

After Round One, people were proclaiming Geelong the Premiership favourite, now the Cats are 1-2.

The good news, is they have Melbourne this week, so will be 2-2 after four games.

Sunday

Adelaide (114) v North Melbourne (78)

The Crows have scored over 100 points in all their games this season, and while someone cynical would say they’ve only played Essendon, St Kilda and North, you’ll find no such cynicism in my columns.

North were in touch right until the third quarter, but the Crows were, to use a technical term, better.

North learnt the hard way that you can’t play Melbourne every week.

They just lacked the polish and scoring options the Crows had.

It’s their 12^th loss in a row at Adelaide Oval, which is not the most surprising stat given how they’ve played in recent years.

But the improvement is there. They seem to have talented players AND a game plan. They used to have neither.

As for the Crows, they face the Suns next week, which will surely tell us if they are the real deal.

Right now though, they look to have a rare thing indeed, a working forward line. 

Once again, I’m performing at Gather Round in ‘Lehmo and Titus’ Gather Round Extravaganza’. It sold out last year, so get your tickets here.

West Coast (68) v Fremantle (106)

The Dockers needed a win, and luckily for them, they got to face the Eagles.

It was close early, mainly because the Dockers seemed to match the Eagles skill level, but soon they’d tidied that up and were away.

It was the undermanned Dockers midfield that made the difference, with Caleb Serong winning a record-equalling fourth Glendinning-Allan Medal with 35 disposals.

Serong could certainly set the record for most Glendinning-Allan Medals, given he is still young, and his career lines up with this Eagles side.

The Eagles are still a fair bit off AFL standard.

Once again, Harley Reid had a game to forget, and late in the game shoved Caleb Serong to the ground in a completely unnecessary moment.

Trying to bully a guy who’s just shredded your team for four quarters is an interesting move.

I’m not sure what going on with Reid but he seems as happy as I was that time I went to a wedding with vegan catering.

Byes: Collingwood, Sydney

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