Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want an irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Gold Coast (164) v Geelong (100)

Less than a month ago, many of us were hoping Geelong would hit the skids, but we didn’t expect it to be this satisfying.

Three losses in a row are never great but losing by 64 points even though you’ve scored 100 makes you feel like you’re playing in the 80s.

It’s hard to know why Geelong have come undone, but if I know Chris Scott, it’s not the Cats fault.

Possible reasons are that the umpires are against them, they weren’t allowed to play this game in Geelong, the recent Victorian and Federal Budgets didn’t shower them in quite as much cash as usual and Pluto is currently in retrograde.

Personally, not enough work has been done on how the various planets being in retrograde effect different teams. Champion Data asleep at the wheel once again.

One of the big lessons I took out of the television coverage is that Darwin is hotter than Geelong in May. I’d always assumed Darwin was a land of ice and snow.

Gold Coast didn’t even know you were allowed to kick 26 goals in one game.

This was a shootout, and the Suns were the kid who turns up with one of those NERF guns that is more sophisticated than the weapons they fought World War Two with.

Is this the long-awaited turnaround for the Suns? Has Damien Hardwick told them that you’re allowed to keep winning beyond the first eight rounds?

It’s exciting times for the Suns.

Friday

Sydney (117) v Carlton (65)

Before we get into the game, I may have taken something while watching this, as a small blue whale kept popping up as I watched this.

Please tell me someone else saw it. Or do I need to go talk to someone?

It may be too early to call, but the tune the Blues are playing seems familiar.

Promising improvement and not delivering is their brand, and it’s a brand that is stronger than Nike, Coca-Cola and McDonalds combined.

Add to that brand, Harry McKay missing from the top of the goal square, which is harder to do than kick the goal, so give him some credit.

Carlton started strong, with a four-goal lead, but that was about it as the Swans unleashed 13 of the next 14 goals. 

It was brutal stuff and wasn’t helped by Jacob Weitering going off after a blow to the thigh. If Weitering going off leads to this big a loss, his free agency deal just went up about one thousand per cent.

Sydney looked scary. Two people haven’t caused as much carnage as Chad Warner and Isaac Heeney since Jake and Elwood drove to Chicago.

For the rest of the competition, let’s just hope Carlton are just much worse than we thought. 

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Saturday

Collingwood (78) v Izak Rankine (74)

Despite the result, this was a great game, but reminded us of the wisdom of John Locke who once said, “Never get into a close match with Collingwood at the MCG.”

It’s always painful to watch a Pies victory but it’s made worse when Jordan De Goey kicks the winner. Like breaking your leg, then falling down a ravine.

The minute this got close, the inevitability of a Pies victory became apparent, but not to Izak Rankine, who did everything in his power to get the Crows across the line.

A brilliant dribble kick from the boundary resulting in a goal was just one of the many spectacular things he did on the day.

Then in the dying moments, he ran down the wing, only for the umpire, who had no sense of theatre, penalising him for running too far.

Even worse, Rankine hurt his hamstring in the process.

One thing was clear, he did run too far.

But the umpire should have factored in the excitement of the moment, and who he was playing and let it pass.

Typically, the umpires helped Collingwood by apply the rules correctly.

It’s a corrupt competition I tell you.

Greater Western Sydney (43) v Western Bulldogs (70)

The Giants have developed an allergy to winning in the past month, a rather dangerous allergy to have in the AFL.

The Orange Tsunami, has become more the Orange Millpond Ripple.

Perhaps most worrying about this loss was it came against the Bulldogs who aren’t sure themselves if they are any good.

The Bulldogs goalkicking was the most interesting park of this game, or to name it properly, point-kicking.

They finished with 8.22, and it made this appear closer than it really was.

Rhylee West led the way with his 1.4.

Even more exciting, the post was hit seven times. I think the record is 11 and that was the one thing that kept me interested in this game.

St Kilda (55) v Fremantle (72)

Neither of these teams have dazzled this season, and the game lived up to that.

The Dockers kept things interesting with inaccuracy up forward.

The most depressing thing for Saints fans is another meh performance in another meh season.

In fact, ‘Meh’ may be their membership slogan this season.

Sometimes I think the secret to being a great coach is to have great players.

Ross Lyon had great players during his first stint at the Saints, and this time he doesn’t.

The Saints could have got this outcome with a much cheaper coach.

Fremantle can head back home secure in the knowledge that if this was a computer game, they would have earned their ‘Better then St Kilda’ badge.

Brisbane (163) v Richmond (44)

I’m not privy to Richmond’s inner workings, but I suspect ‘injuring every player’ wasn’t a target they set during pre-season.

It’s a pity because if they had, they would have achieved something this season.

Not since George Bluth invented The Cornballer back in the seventies has something injured so many people.

Adem Yze knew the Richmond gig was going to require rebuilding the team, but he probably didn’t realise he would also need to build a hospital first.

This wasn’t a contest. The Lions got on top early and if this was a UFC match, it would have been stopped in the first quarter.

Nathan Broad was perhaps the only Tiger who could claim to have contributed when he provided a step ladder for Cal Ah Chee.

Can the Tigers rebuild anytime soon? I’m more worried WorkSafe might shut them down before they get a chance.

Sunday

Essendon (84) v North Melbourne (52)

Essendon are second on the ladder.

Not the VFL ladder, the AFL ladder.

No, I don’t mean on PlayStation.

In real life.

The Australian Football League Ladder. The one we all care about.

I’m serious. This is not ‘one of my jokes’.

No, I’m not looking at a ladder from the 20^th Century.

I mean they are second on the ladder RIGHT NOW. In 2024.

And we’ve played ten rounds.

I HAVE seen their percentage.

Well of course they could blow it from here, but that doesn’t mean it’s not cause for concern.

No, I’m not happy about it either.

Port Adelaide (80) v Hawthorn (79)

Hawthorn have engineered one of the greatest losses in recent memory, overcoming a 41-point lead to snatch a famous defeat in the dying seconds.

In danger of winning, the Hawks dug deep in the final 22 seconds to give up two goals and secure the loss.

It was a remarkable turnaround for a team that found themselves in real trouble in the third quarter, leading by 41 points.

Yet every Hawthorn player dug deep to get their opponent back into the game, and slowly the lead narrowed.

As well as helping their opponents, a slew of Hawks lifted to record no possessions in the fourth quarter, but at times even this seemed like it would not be enough.

Yet the Hawks showed that if you truly want to lose a game, you can, you just have to believe.

West Coast (105) v Melbourne (70)

I was at the Preliminary Final a few years ago, so this isn’t the worst performance I’ve seen by a Demons side at Opus Stadium but it was a nice try.

The worrying thing for Demons fans is the Eagles just outworked them, outmuscled them and out ‘competent at football’ them.

Harley Reid and Jake Waterman have obviously made a big difference to the Eagles, and they ran all over the Dees.

Reid looks too good to be true. I think he was built in a lab like Wolverine or Margarine.

I mean, in your ninth game you shouldn’t be able to brush off All-Australians like their lint.

Then you have Waterman playing up front like a 1980s key forward has time traveled into the present. All we needed was for him to light up a cigarette at three-quarter time and the look would have been complete.

Melbourne meanwhile turned the ball over with a relentlessness that made you wonder if they were trying to do it on purpose.

Much is made of the Dees lacklustre forward line, but the delivery into it is so bad it often makes who is in the forward line irrelevant.

This really had the feel of one team going up while passing another going down.  

Ahh, it was good while it almost lasted.

I’ve got one more show in Melbourne on June 7. You can get tickets here.

Shows in other states to be announced soon.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus