Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Brisbane (53) v Collingwood (105)

Well, this was a bit ominous.

Apparently the Pies were so old they remember a time before mobile phones (and yes that is considered old now according to my kids), but instead they looked young, fast and worryingly competent. 

What’s got me most concerned is they’ve fixed up their defence too.

I mean, I don’t want to panic early, but we are in serious danger of a Collingwood Premiership again. Isn’t the world suffering enough at the moment?

Plus, weren’t Collingwood finished after losing in Round one and Nick Daicos was not committed to the club?

Some in the media said that was the case, so I’m a bit surprised that hasn’t turned out to be true.

Nick Daicos makes footy look so easy, you wonder how anybody finds it hard.

It's such a joy to watch him play. If only he played for any other team in the world.

As for Brisbane, they looked off.

Despite them being second on the ladder, and this being their only loss, and being reigning Premiers, they are obviously done and their season is over.

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Friday

North Melbourne (71) v Carlton (153)

Once again, North Melbourne have made their fans feel like they are the ones being crucified on Good Friday.

Being a Melbourne supporter, I write with a feather quill and in the event of a home invasion, a likely event in Melbourne, I would trust it to defend me better than the North Melbourne Football Club.

Apparently on the rise, with a million first round draft picks and a four-time premiership coach, the Roos are embarrassing, and North supporters are putting in a lot more effort than they are.

Carlton will be thrilled with the hit out. This was just what they needed, like practice but at a lower intensity.

Sometimes a team just needs a confidence boost, and the Blues looked like they were having a great time.

Next week though, they face Geelong, which is like going from walking to the bottle shop to climbing Mount Everest.

West Coast (75) v Essendon (77)

Sometimes as a fan, the footy gods give you a big old punch to the guts.

Almost losing to West Coast and also losing Sam Draper for the year to an Achilles injury was certainly that. 

Bombers fans will be wondering if the footy gods are ever going to do them a favour.

At least they had the return of Peter Wright, who kicked six goals and was a bright spot, but losing Draper hurts. He’s the one player other fans can name. 

I suppose they also won, but anything less than a 40-point win feels like a loss against West Coast.

The Eagles surprised everyone early by playing a level of football that was possibly AFL standard, or at least AFL standard adjacent.

If they are not careful, this sort of thing could become a habit.

Saturday

Melbourne (107) v Fremantle (97)

My first thought on watching this is that I didn’t realise the Dockers were this bad.

My second thought was what a difference it makes playing the players who want to play.

Dropping some key non-performers did some amazing things for the Dees players.

It was almost like a lot of them remembered they’re here to play football and certain standards are required to stay in the team.

Annoyingly, while I welcome this new approach, it’s something Dees fans have been calling for going back to early last year.

The frustration is that it’s taken so long. To see it work almost immediately just adds to that.

Still, a win is a win, and the Dees needed this.

Fremantle fans will be disappointed with the performance, but Kysaiah Pickett really turned in a wonderful job interview.

I’m going to miss him next season.

Adelaide (52) v Greater Western Sydney (34)

I pity all the producers and editors who had to cut together highlight packages from this game.

It was windy, then rainy and the game was therefore an unrelenting slog that had me wondering why I was even watching it.

The first half had more mistakes than a Victorian exam paper.

The crowd was groaning so often I felt like I was at one of my own comedy performances.

In the second half, I made myself a cup of tea, and scrolled on Insta for a bit, then I read about the election and realised the footy was not the most boring thing in the world, and I looked up and the Crows had won and I was thrilled the whole thing was over and poured myself a large glass of wine.

Richmond (80) v Gold Coast (69)

It was fantastic to see Noah Balta making a comeback from that terrible incident were he brutally assaulted someone in a car park.

It must have taken a lot of courage for him to overcome that.

Let’s never forget, the most important thing is to give footballers second, third and fourth chances.

It’s why I always love it when footy clubs tell us all about how terrible important culture is, or how they are leading social change on whatever issue they have decided to focus on for a few minutes.

I’m not surprised Richmond played him, and will continue, around certain pesky legal requirements, because clubs are there to win.

Everything else they say is just pure nonsense.

In Balta’s defence, and I note many are defending him or asking he be forgiven because he ‘is training hard’ and is sorry, this fight was over comments made about pizza.

I mean, I’m shocked he didn’t get off. No wonder the club is so keen to rush him back in.

Here was I thinking the assault was over the top and unjustified.

Sunday

Sydney (77) v Port Adelaide (85)

It wasn’t the result of a comment about pizza to my knowledge, but a 16-year-old Swans fan threw a paper sign at Aliir Aliir in this game.

While obviously not on, it shows you how far we’ve come. When I was young I remember a few UDL cans being thrown at players.

What upsets me is the AFL has been asleep at the wheel on the danger of paper signs.

The only way to stop a fan with a paper sign is to have all the players armed with paper signs. Why am I the only one who can see that?

One thing the fan did do is hit his target, which is something that couldn’t be said for the rest of the Swans, who managed to boot 10.17.

The Swans being spectacularly awful in front of goal was probably Port’s best player.

Port’s midfield was good too, and the Power took their chances. The one major negative was Ollie Wines going off with heart trouble.

The Swans got substitute Aaron Francis on the park, and he gave the Power a scare, booting three goals but the Power surprised their fans and held on.

Western Bulldogs (127) v St Kilda (56)

A fantastic win by the Bulldogs was offset by Sam Darcy going down with a knee injury, which thankfully appears not to be season-ending.

Injury aside, this was an astounding win by the Doggies who destroyed the Saints in a manner that will be ringing alarm bells at St Kilda.

Marcus Bontempelli looked like he hadn’t missed a day, and the rest of the midfield looked more excited than a horde of influencers at their first Coachella.

They booted seven unanswered goals at one stage and five at another stage.

The Saints looked more out of sorts than that time I was at a wedding, and they only served non-alcoholic wine.

After a relatively hopeful start to the season, the Saints would wonder what went wrong here.

Personally, I think it was because this was a Bulldogs home game. Always hard to travel away and win.

Geelong (86) v Hawthorn (79)

 I hate both these clubs for one simple reason: their ongoing success, but I must concede they do put on a good blockbuster.

This was a great watch, and it was sure nice to see Bailey Smith is fulfilling his plan to stay out of the spotlight by moving to Geelong.

He taunted the crowd, which outraged me, Hawthorn players would just never do that.

He also slammed the ball into Jarman Impey's head in one of the most unnecessary and pointless acts you’ll see on a footy field.

Gryan Miers started the game strong, but Conor Nash then absolutely whacked him across the head and sent him off for the game.

Let’s find out if Miers said something about a pizza before we throw the book at Nash.

This incident seemed to only fire up Geelong, and the game reached new heights as both teams exchanged goals.

The difference was that the Cats took some opportunities late, while the Hawks could not.

If this is a glimpse of finals though, this is going to be a cracker of a year.

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