Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Western Bulldogs (60) v Sydney (126)

The Bulldogs injury list is already longer than some of the later Harry Potter books, but without the happy ending.

They had nine starters out on the weekend, including names like Sam Darcy, Tim English and Tom Liberatore.

That’s not great.

So imagine Bulldogs fans feelings when Aaron Naughton’s made the most terrifying landing since the Hindenburg.

Watching it live, I genuinely thought the worst. To hear he was fine was a genuine relief and a minor miracle.

Some years, the injury gods just kick you while you’re down and then keep kicking you.

Swans fans, however, are incredibly happy right now. Perhaps the only person happier than a Sydney supporter is Charlie Curnow.

Charlie is finally fulfilling his lifelong dream to play for an AFL side.

Curnow is experiencing all sorts of new things. Teammates who like playing footy, passes that go in his general area and applause.

It’s exciting times.

This week’s Sports Bizarre Podcast is about a time in Olympic fencing when after the competition, fencers fought duels to settle scores.

Friday

Richmond (72) v Melbourne (126)

For Demons fans, this was meant to be a year of learning. Of developing the kids, bedding in the new coach. All that stuff.

Instead, Melbourne are fourth on the ladder and are fun to watch.

Even the umpires love watching them. They enthusiastically threw out how holding the ball was interpreted just to help them out.

It’s not often I give the umpires a standing ovation after the game.

That said, when in the history of time has holding the ball been interpreted correctly? A coin toss is more predictable.

The Tigers were very good for most of this; the big difference was Kysaiah Pickett. He plays footy like we all dreamed we could play footy.

Right now, Dees fans are as excited as a petrol station owner who just heard the Strait of Hormuz has closed again.

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Saturday

Hawthorn (112) v Gold Coast (63)

It was a great weekend for old guys. Jack Gunstan booted five goals in a reminder that class is eternal.

While it’s early, the Suns may be the biggest disappointment of the season.

With ten thousand first-round draft picks and the recruitment of Christian Petracca, people were genuinely scared of them.

Like, the clown from IT scared.

So far, they’ve been more like ‘I was a bit hot last night and thought I was having a heart attack at 3 am but it was just the pizza I ate at 10 pm’ scary.

Once you figure out what is going on, the fear subsides.

Hawthorn were several classes above them, and that was even with them letting the Suns back into the game.

Sam Mitchell reacted to this by giving his players a huge spray at halftime.

I rate sprays on how many veins in a person’s neck I can see. I counted six, which is good but not elite. I once saw Clarko have eighteen.

Essendon (60) v Collingwood (137)

Perhaps the worst thing for Essendon supporters on ANZAC Day was watching a man who debuted when John Howard was Prime Minister and Blue Heelers was still on television run rings around them.

Scott Pendlebury looks like having the longest career in AFL history, and the Bombers have been rebuilding throughout all of it.

Pendlebury secured his fourth Anzac Day Medal; his first was back in the late seventies.

With Finals no longer Essendon’s thing, Bombers fans at least had the ANZAC Day game to look forward to.

Their team have fixed that.

Essendon did have people saying they were admirable in at least the first half, but Bombers supporters are a bit over words like ‘admirable’, ‘’valiant’ and ‘patience’. 

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Port Adelaide (95) v Geelong (65)

Geelong does this sometimes.

They turn in a performance that has you thinking, ‘Oh, now the game is catching up to them, and they’re not going to be as good this season.’

Then they rattle off a bunch of wins and suddenly its finals and they are challenging for a premiership again.

Well, I’m not falling for it this time. Even if you did just get beaten by Port Adelaide.

You’re not lulling me into a false sense of security.

Even Patrick Dangerfield’s four-possession game isn’t fooling me.

Port though were good.

Jason Horne-Francis, ran amok with 34 disposals, two goals and 12 clearances, while Mitch Georgiades, almost had a career night but kicked 4.6.

It leaves you wondering how good Port is. They lost to St Kilda and the Eagles, but win this.

They are the ultimate ‘ruin your tips’ team this season.

Fremantle (103) v Carlton (89)

A bit of shock with Carlton turning in a perfectly acceptable performance on the weekend.

They even kept trying throughout the entire game. It was like seeing a Llama breakdance. Unexpected but pleasing to see.

They didn’t win, of course, but the Dockers were certainly challenged.

Shai Bolton however, was not interested in losing to Carlton.

He responded with 33 disposals and two goals.

Fremantle are now 6-1 and could be on their way to their best start to a season.

It leads every Dockers supporter with one question: how will we stuff it up from here?

Sunday

St Kilda (143) v West Coast (42)

I’m old enough to remember when the Eagles were a real-life AFL team with players and everything.

These days, Eagles players seem to have only a passing familiarity with the sport of Australian Rules football. They look like a bunch of English backpackers who accidentally wandered onto an AFL field.

On the weekend, they lost by 101 points. Do you have any idea how bad you have to be to make a Ross Lyon side look creative and high scoring?

The only thing worse than the Eagles was the ARC. At one point, it took over a minute for them to call something back.

I have no idea how the ARC works, or rather, doesn’t work.

To start with, it seems to have camera angles and technology that would be embarrassing in a Year Ten media studies class.

But even stranger is that it now seems to just randomly be rolled out to review certain close calls, while not being used for the hundred other close calls in every game.

Then, to really overcomplicate the matter, sometimes it’s used when it isn’t even a close call.

The final layer of incompetency is the ARC call is often wrong.

Technology was meant to improve things, but like the internet, social media and the mobile phone, it’s just made things worse.

Brisbane (127) v Adelaide (75)

Normally, I’d focus on the outcome of the game, but I must admit I was moved by Jordan Dawson’s performance so soon after the passing of his brother.

Dawson finished with 28 disposals and two goals in what was frankly an astounding display.

I have no idea whether he saw this as a tribute to his brother, or if it was just a professional doing their job, but I don’t know how he handled such a moment so well.

Greater Western Sydney (105) v North Melbourne (98)

A very entertaining game, especially in the Sunday evening timeslot.

As always, the Giants leaned heavily on Toby Greene, who grabbed the Giants games record with 268 games.

That’s also the same amount of games he’s been suspended.

North were enjoying their best start in a decade, which isn’t hard, and while they didn’t win, this was far from the rolling disaster the past decade has been.

The rolling disaster was again the ARC which missed a touched goal.

As is the ARC’s way, this time they didn’t review it, because who knows when the ARC will interfere? It’s like an annoying relative.

You don’t hear from them for ages, then they chime in when you need them the least.

Then when you do hear from them, it’s at the worst possible moment and ruins everything.  

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