Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Essendon (56) v Greater Western Sydney (104)

Last week it was Carlton, this week we got Essendon. Are the AFL trying to kill off Thursday night football?

I guess having teams with big fan bases means you get huge amounts of people for the first two quarters at least.

To be fair, who could have foreseen both Essendon and Carlton would not make the finals this year? I mean, apart from every single footy fan.

The Bombers have spent this year not only torturing their fans but injuring their players.

So depleted are their stocks that West Coast Eagles players could get a game there.

The Giants are on fire. Five wins in a row, and they’ve beaten Brisbane, Geelong and Gold Coast in that stretch.

Against Essendon, they did the right thing, pretended to take them seriously before crushing them.

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Friday

Brisbane (86) v Western Bulldogs (76)

Don’t let the score fool you, this was not that close.

The Lions dominated large sections of this but kicked for goal like a bunch of sailors on shore leave.

Take the third quarter, when they had 24 inside 50s while the Dogs had just eight. Despite the abundance of opportunities, the Lions kicked 3.7.

It was like watching my mate Geoff try to pick up at Chasers nightclub in the 90s.

His approach was maximum effort, minimum success. His approach contrasted sharply with mine, minimum effort, no success.

The Bulldogs continue to struggle against the top sides. They are 1-8 record against teams in the top eight.

They are a perfectly average side. They defeat those below them and lose to those above them. People seem shocked by this, but it’s only shocking if you think they are a top side, which they are obviously not.

Footy is not that complicated.

Saturday

Hawthorn (87) v Port Adelaide (49)

‘A stadium in Tasmania must have a roof’ advocates got a real boost this week with this game.

In windy, difficult conditions, the Hawks got a vital win, as Port used the strong breeze to fly the white flag for the season.

Port’s season has been more disappointing than a Zack Snyder movie.

At a glance, they seem talented, but like the winner of The Voice, it soon becomes apparent they are just average. 

One nice bit was what seemed like the end of one of the silliest feuds in history, Jack Ginnivan and Ken Hinkley.

When Ginnivan booted a goal late in the last quarter, he did an aeroplane celebration, only for Ken Hinkley to give a wry smile.

To think the AFL fined him $20,000 for a bit of banter. That’s another to buy two 2013 Hyundai Elantras! Which is how I value money.

Sydney (84) v North Melbourne (53)

The only thing that made this worth watching was Isaac Heeney, who decided to put on a masterclass, with 34 disposals and five goals.

While he put on a marvellous display of footballing competence, few could follow his lead, as North hung in there for three quarters.

North’s big problem was their skills, which seemed poor, given I assume they practice them most weeks.

Hitting a target is kind of a key requirement at the AFL level, you would assume, especially when it’s a handball travelling a meter or less.

Unfortunately, there are too many players who find this a challenging task.

Still, where told there’s enough talent to have a nineteenth team.

Carlton (78) v Melbourne (70)

Sometimes, when life feels overwhelming, when everyone seems to be against you, and there seems no light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to play the Melbourne Football Club.

Playing the Melbourne Football Club has proven to help with out of form goalkickers, inconsistent midfields, shaky defenders, embattled coaches, and under pressure boards.

All year, Carlton have made a bold claim to being the most disappointing team in the comp. Then the Dees came along and said, ‘We’ll see about that.’

In a game that was close both these teams showed why they are nowhere near finals.

Combine poor decision-making with poor execution and you have a problem.

Here’s a thought for the Dees, instead of a preseason focusing on loving each other, how about a preseason focusing on skills like ‘kicking’, ‘handballing’ and ‘breaking out of a light jog.’

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West Coast (56) v Richmond (105)

Maurice Rioli jnr's chasedown tackle on Brady Hough sums up the Eagles.

Just when it seems they are getting somewhere, it all goes sideways.

Things were close until the third quarter, then the Tigers put their foot down and put on eight goals to one.

It was truly a joy to watch how the Eagles could turn the ball over.

They could turn it over by foot or hand, whether going forward backwards, and often sideways.

Under the pressure of the young Tigers, the Eagles response seemed to be wholesale panic, which is not ideal in a professional sporting team.

In fact, wholesale panic is rarely an ideal response to anything.

As for Richmond, it’s all fun at the moment. Some predicted they wouldn’t win a game this season, now they’ve won five.

And they’ve got Collingwood next, so six wins should be easy!

Sunday

Geelong (113) v St Kilda (82)

Not a particularly difficult game to explain.

For all St Kilda’s effort, Geelong are just better at football than them.

Time and again the Saints would get the ball but were just not good at doing anything with it.

The same couldn’t be said of the Cats, who have more weapons than a medieval blacksmith.

In contrast, the Saints have one, Nasiah Wanganeen-Milera who had 36 disposals, and two goals.

If I’m the Saints, I’d consider salary cap cheating to keep him.

Just don’t keep a second set of books, always a mistake.

Collingwood (78) v Fremantle (79)

Every now and then Fremantle remind you they are in the competition.

On the weekend, they did more than that, they brought joy to millions by beating the Pies and the umpires.

This was a fantastic game. As fun to watch as a new couple pulling a boat out at the boat ramp.

It seemed like it was going to be normal programming. The Pies were in control, and Freo seemed like they’d get close but struggle to stay with them.

Except that kept not happening.

Time and again, the Dockers not only stayed in touch, but they also kept coming.

When Luke Jackson put the Dockers in front by one point with five minutes to go it set off a mad scramble.

Collingwood had its chances, but couldn’t take them, and when Josh Treacy marked in the goalsquare, the Dockers had pulled off a huge win.

It means the Pies have now suffered two losses in a row. What if this is the rot setting in? What if the Pies are about to fall apart? Could they crash and burn in the most painful way possible?

Oh no! I hope that doesn’t happen.

Adelaide (107) v Gold Coast (46)

The Suns, fighting for a top four spot, should have turned in a performance that would have at least shown they were the real deal this season.

Instead, they were goalless in the first half in an abysmal performance.

People on the Gold Coast would be furious if they knew this had happened.

This was the worst first half in their history. Sure, it’s a history that only stretches all the way back to 2011. After all, my fridge is older than Gold Coast.

For Adelaide, everything went right. They ran amok early, basically bullying the Suns all across the field.

At one stage, they were up 71 to 5, and parents were covering their children’s eyes from the horror.

From there, the Suns got back in it a bit, or more accurately, the Crows knew the job was done and used the second half as their warm down.

Adelaide’s only negative is that they can’t play the Suns every week.

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