Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place.
Friday
Essendon (113) v Adelaide (115)
This was an exciting shootout, which if you’re a top team, you shouldn’t be in with the Adelaide Crows.
Essendon are not a top team, and on Friday they showed us they can be a bad team in creative ways.
First, there were the eight unanswered goals they let the Crows kick in the second quarter.
They made the Crows look like a sharp well-drilled outfit. Normally the Crows move the ball like a ninety-year-old with a bad back and a broken foot.
Against the Bombers they looked like Usain Bolt.
The Bombers then came back, kicking the next seven goals.
With it all in the balance, Bombers fans sat back, certain their team was going to stuff this up, but intrigued as to how.
It turned out this time it was a lot of loopy handballs in defence to teammates under pressure, who then fumbled.
Ben Keays booted five goals, mainly by just waiting for Essendon’s defence to do this.
Then Josh Rachele bobbed up in the dying minutes and kicked the winning goal, and then hugged a fan.
I mean, stealing James Hird’s move in front of Essendon supporters is cold.
Not since Shaun Michaels put Bret Hart in the Sharpshooter in Montreal have I seen such a brutal thing.
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Saturday
Greater Western Sydney (89) v Gold Coast (50)
The Suns travelled away from home and therefore lost.
St Kilda (113) v West Coast (41)
It turns out that sacking Adam Simpson has not fixed all the problems.
After a few bright spots, the Eagles seemed to have returned to being incredibly bad at football.
So bad that St Kilda managed to score over 100 points.
Not that the Saints made it look easy. For long periods of the game, it was a competition to see who could miss the most targets.
Whether it was a handball or a kick, both sides missed their teammates by a fair margin, and often this was when their teammate was standing almost right next to them.
So poor were the skills of the Eagles and Saints players that it is highly doubtful they could complete a game of Pass the Parcel.
And unfortunately for the Eagles, the AFL haven’t decreed that everyone wins like in the modern version of Pass the Parcel. Well, not yet.
Hawthorn (133) v Collingwood (67)
Everyone knows that when you break up with someone, you enter a lifelong competition to see who does better.
When the Pies dumped Jack Ginnivan for the crime of wanting to leave his house occasionally, it was always going to be interesting to see who would be better off.
On Saturday, Ginnivan did the equivalent of showing up to an exes’ birthday party with a new, glamorous partner, who turned out to be lovely and has just been accepted into Oxford University.
Pies fans responded by booing him, which is something they used to get on their high horse about other fans doing.
It was great to watch, especially when Ginnivan turned to the crowd after a goal and basically did the "Are you not entertained?"
And we were. Collingwood now sits in thirteenth position and looked like a team that had decided it was all too hard.
The only negative was this means Hawthorn have now won nine games in 11 matches and could certainly play finals. I get it, it’s a big negative.
Geelong (48) v Western Bulldogs (95)
If you need any proof this season doesn’t really make sense, there’s this game, where the Dogs went down to Geelong and not only won, but they won easily.
Add to that Rory Lobb destroyed Jeremy Cameron playing in defence. Cameron had one goals and just six touches.
When Lobb goes onto a forward, they play like he did as a forward. That’s his superpower.
How are you meant to tip this season? It’s drunk.
The Dogs are starting to hit some form, right when the Bombers above them in eighth spot are looking about as convincing as that time John Wayne was cast to play Genghis Khan. And yes, I too love a modern pop culture reference.
Geelong looked somewhat subdued in this one. This is their third loss at home which isn’t like them.
Part of the problem may have been the ground looked like it had been used during the week as a cow paddock.
Can’t the government find some money for a new surface down there?
Port Adelaide (116) v Richmond (75)
In a pleasant surprise for Power fans, their team pulled away in the fourth quarter and didn’t lose to Richmond.
For a lot of Saturday night, this didn’t appear to be a certain scenario.
In fact, the way the Tigers cut through Port Adelaide at times wouldn’t fill Port fans with overwhelming confidence if they do manage to stay in the eight for the rest of the season.
And that’s a big if. The Power play Carlton next week which is the resistible force meeting the movable object.
Although credit where credit is due, when it mattered, the Power did remember they were playing the eighteenth-best side in the competition.
Richmond only booted a solitary behind in the final quarter, and I’m willing to go on record and say this was a mistake.
I don’t care who comes at me, one behind in a quarter is a disgrace, and I’m unafraid to say the tough things.
Sunday
Brisbane (79) v Sydney (77)
I don’t want to overreact, but the Swans should panic.
Just wholesale, uncontrolled hysteria. This is not the time for calmness or holding the course.
They’ve lost three of their past four games, and that one win was against North.
Before you say, ‘panicking is a bit over the top Titus, they’re still top of the ladder,” can I remind you one of those losses was against St Kilda.
They also just lost to one of last year’s Grand Finalists.
All I’m saying is that in my life, I have often found the best approach is blind panic.
There’s a flight or fight response built into us for a reason. Don’t think, just run around and scream.
Get a bit manic.
The Swans should swing the magnets, drop Errol Gulden for absolutely no reason, see if Buddy will come back, adopt a more defensive style, kick more goals, move Joel Amartey down back, and just generally flip out.
This season is obviously over, play the kids.
As for Brisbane, they need to not get ahead of themselves. However, their fans should book flights to Melbourne for the Grand Final and work out where the tattoo will go.
Fremantle (116) v Melbourne (66)
Melbourne have proven they can lose to Fremantle anywhere, anytime.
The ease with which they do so can’t be overstated. They just glide into a loss against Fremantle like an inner-city resident slides into their Birkenstocks.
In left all Dees fans lamenting the fact you can’t play Essendon every week.
Hell, they didn’t even need a ruckman last week.
This week was different, they did need a ruckman and they forgot to select one.
The Dees were never in this at any point.
From the moment it started, I just knew the bad Demons had shown up.
Fremantle knew it too, and went to town, running away with ease. They must approach these games like a kid approaches Christmas.
Playing Melbourne is a gift for the Dockers, and there are not too many teams they can say that about.
There’s one thing every fan hates, even more than a loss, when your team’s effort is so low they’re never even in the game. Not even for a moment.
This was a great example of that.
Carlton (107) v North Melbourne (88)
Like a drunk executive at a Christmas party, Carlton flirted with danger before deciding it was not worth it.
North showed a competitiveness that can match it with the top sides, they just lack the finer skills to convert when it matters.
They certainly made the Blues earn this one. Carlton were the walking wounded by the end of this with a range of players looking sore.
Most perplexing was when Harry McKay had a head clash, looked dazed and was still left on the ground for six minutes.
Apparently, the Carlton doctor was already busy with another player, which is fair enough, but surely there are others who can make the call to test a player?
The AFL has about a million staff. You’d think one of them could have drawn attention to what was going on.
As always, people have said the proper steps were followed.
That happens a lot. It makes you wonder that if the right steps are taken but often lead you to the wrong place, are they the right steps?
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus
COMMENTS
KP
Jul 22, 2024
Gold, as per usual Titus
SM
Jul 22, 2024
Titus, only you can put Jack Ginnivan and Oxford University together
PENGUIN
Jul 22, 2024
Like a drunk executive at a Christmas party, Carlton flirted with danger before deciding it was not worth it.
GOLD, GOLD, GOLD!
Bruce Cat
Jul 22, 2024
Wouldn't tear up my Swannies membership (if I was one). Last three losses by a cumulative 5 points indicates that one goal creatively distributed would have wiped those three losses.
Plane crash.
Jul 22, 2024
Agree, Titus.
**Spoiler Alert**
After the Crows kicked 8 unanswered I didn’t have the stomach, so switched over to The Fugitive. With one eye in the score, it seemed they might just escape this one to keep the season alive, so I switched back to enjoy the 7 goal streak. Intrigue got the better of me and should have stuck with The Fugitive where he did in fact, escape.
Fat Side
Jul 22, 2024
I suspect the AFL are lkeen to hear suggestions on how to improve the game, so here is my generous contribution...
Replace the umpires with 4 drones controlled by drone experts who have been trained to get the best view possible of each contest. The umpires sit in a central control room and are allocated one drone vision each.
When an infringement is noticed, the ump presses a button which changes the fence lighting from green to red. Play stops, "decision on the fence"... a free is awarded.
Instead of a ball up, teams take it in turn to take the kick, like jump-balls in junior basketball.
In case of any dissent, the security guards enforce compliance with the decision.
Serendipitously, with no need for the umpires to be in the same place as the game, modern TV scheduling allows for the same umps to officiate 2 or 3 games each weekend, increasing consistency. Who knows, after a trial period they could even work from home.
You're welcome.
the g train
Jul 22, 2024
Titus--this may have been your greatest work yet. Agree with everything you wrote.
Your minimalist summary of the GWS vs GCS game was truly magnificent. When things are that simple, then write it simply, and then as simple as possible.
Has one team ever kicked 8 straight, immediately followed by the other team kicking 7 straight? Probability calculations give a 0.000061 chance of occurrence. Or 1 in 16400. Crazy unlikely. So crazy that is the same odds of St Kilda ever winning another premiership. Yeah, that crazy.
Buller or Bust
Jul 22, 2024
I'm impressed that you have time to put these together. With the Dee's travelling poorly I thought that it would be time to hit the slopes.
Son of Plugger
Jul 22, 2024
Brutally magnificent, Titus.
"...if the right steps are taken but often lead you to the wrong place, are they the right steps?"
That's a tough, philosophical question, Titus. I feel only Ross Lyon could muse upon, and then answer that one.
"Can’t the government find some money for a new surface down there?" They can and they will, Titus. But you're right--it's a disgrace the government has let Geelong's playing surface deteriorate so shockingly.
After round 4, Hawthorn was 0-5. (I tried to explain to my elderly uncle how it was possible to lose 5 games after round 4, and it ended very, very badly. We're now estranged). Who would have thought back then that a Hawthorn premiership is now inevitable? I know, Titus, you have a nuanced view of gambling in sports--but imagine if you had put $10 on a Hawthorn premiership after round 4?
Dr John Godfrey
Jul 22, 2024
Love it, Titius!! Brilliant, delightful Bullshit!!!
TAKING ELSTERNWICK BY STORM
Jul 22, 2024
It has come to my attention that the team with the third highest %age is only 9th on the ladder.
queen_ingrid
Jul 22, 2024
"As for Brisbane, they need to not get ahead of themselves. However, their fans should book flights to Melbourne for the Grand Final and work out where the tattoo will go."
Bit like that England supporter who got ahead of himself before the Euros 2024 final against Spain......
Bloke from the outer
Jul 22, 2024
GWS vs GCS - best review ever.
Fairwestuff
Jul 22, 2024
When Lobb goes onto a forward, they play like he did as a forward. That’s his superpower. Very GOOD in fact GOLD!!!! The wet toast need several Lobbs with that super power but even then they would still not provide opponents with too much of a contest.
I was entertained
Jul 22, 2024
... But not by that.
I have left for the winter like a Dees supporter, and given the parlous state of the slopes until this weekend, chosen a European Summer.
And the Pies have lost every game.
The consolation has been waking up to a fully formed knee jerk reaction, with a comment section, and getting a smile or two despite my team's dismal loss.
Like the bloke from the outer, I nearly spat my coffee (7:30am in Barcelona) when I read "The Suns travelled away from home and therefore lost."
Keep up the good work, Titus, it is a community service that you do for half of the supporters who have had their side lose on the weekend.
Mosis Syndes
Jul 22, 2024
Problem solved, O'Reily ... Ginnivan + Hawks - Pies @ 20% of IQ divided by Oxford Student = Lachie Schultz!!
Ben Haycroft
Jul 22, 2024
They dont make 18 carat golf woven in turf with a emerald glaze - Geelong city council and Victorian Government has enquired about this.
WARNEY
Jul 22, 2024
I can see you had your Ritalin this week, outstanding work, best in years.
TheGStation
Jul 22, 2024
The GTrain contends that SK will likely win a premiership in the next 16,400 years. There's an error in that calculation. Ross Lyon will be coach for this year another two years, so this needs to be added on: "within the next 16,400 years" is more correct
TheGStation
Jul 22, 2024
error in the above calculation (which is a little ironic):
The GTrain contends that SK will likely win a premiership in the next 16,400 years. There's an error in that calculation. Ross Lyon will be coach for this year another two years, so this needs to be added on: "within the next 16,403 years" is more correct
ANYONE BUT COLLINGWOOD
Jul 22, 2024
[Against the Dogs Geelong's] Cameron had one goals
Titus, you can't even bring yourself to fully recognise the singularity of this underachievement...
saint peter
Jul 22, 2024
Excellent comment on the game GWS v Gold coast. Although it could have been more succinct by saying Gold Coast travelled.
As for the Saints - they are trying everything to beat themselves. But on this occasion West Coast would have any of it. We tried handballing to players under the pump, tried precision kicking & failed - however West Coast didn't even give a crap when the ball went into our attacking zone. They didn't have one tackle in our forward zone for the whole match. I don't think it was a wise move to not tackle us.
I agree though - its going to be a long 16,400 years before we can get the correct players we need to win a premiership.
Alan Brotherston
Jul 22, 2024
Love it. Look forward to this hilarity every week. This was the best one for vet. Keep up the great work the master of the written word.
Groundhog Daze
Jul 22, 2024
Titus - your description of the Essendon game could have come from 2023. Are we doomed to repeat it all over again? And again? Was it a cut and paste of last year or the year before… I’m losing track but thanks for the memory
Mac Hawk
Jul 22, 2024
"Like a drunk executive at a Christmas party, Carlton flirted with danger before deciding it was not worth it."
This was your best line of the night.....from your totally vindicated vax refuser 😅
MacDaddyCombs
Jul 22, 2024
C'mon Titus, get on the Dogs bandwagon.
You loved us when Bob was a dog but we barely rate a mention these days.
Yea the Hawks seem to be the media darlings but for the smart follower the Dogs are the story of the season... they have easily beaten 2nd, 3rd and next week they face 1st...
Whats it going to take Titus - does Bob need to give you a call?
Darren J Ray
Jul 22, 2024
*ex's (but love your work, Titus, especially the John Wayne reference).
Derek Fletcher
Jul 22, 2024
They spent squillions of taxpayer bucks on new stands at GMHBAQYZQ "stadium" and the playing surface was a disgrace. But not only that. The ground itself is too narrow, visiting teams always kick out of bounds on the full and pay the price. Instead of spending squillions on new stands they should've pulled a couple down and widened the ground to AFL standard. And if then there're no stands there the punters can bring their own folding chairs.
Andronicus
Jul 23, 2024
MACDADDYCOMBS:
Jumping on and off bandwagons is what most sportswriters and broadcasters do best.
Max Verstappen
Jul 23, 2024
Is it just me? Am I the only one? I don’t watch Brisbane home games anymore because I can’t stand the music.
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