Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Collingwood (63) v Carlton (46)

Two big teams, in prime time and in front of 82,000 fans at the MCG! What’s not to like?

Well, firstly, the football.

Carlton’s woes are so well known now they’re barely worth repeating.

They could be a million points up at half time and Blues fans would still be nervous.

A Blues rebuild is like a Hollywood set, it looks real but look behind and there’s not a lot there.

And Collingwood wasn’t much better either, their biggest strategic advantage was that they were playing Carlton.

The bigger story was two blokes carrying loaded firearms into the ground.

You’d never see that happen at a Dees game. Mainly because there’s barely a crowd, and secondly, a musket is hard to hide.

There are so many questions about this. How did they get the guns through when the machine apparently flagged them?

Is it because the security look about as interested as I do when someone tells me about their feelings?

Then you have to wonder why two guys with illegal firearms decided attracting attention to themselves was a good idea.

Now the lines for the MCG are going to be so long that you’ll need to get there the day before just to get in.

Not like the AFL to overreact to just one incident.

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Friday

Geelong (85) v Melbourne (46)

In the past two weeks, the Dees have played well below their level and been smashed.

This time they looked to play up to their level and got smashed.

Sure, they were in it to three-quarter time, but the way the rolled over late is perhaps even more worrying.

Geelong couldn’t believe their luck as Goodwin gave them loose men down back, the result saw the Cats take so many marks that even Geelong fans were suggesting helpfully that the Dees change tactics.

It would be fair to say the current brains trust at Melbourne have had long enough to figure out the forward line-midfield connection, yet here they are still kicking into the forward line like they’re blindfolded.

Geelong would be thrilled, they had the perfect game plan, ‘let’s wait for Melbourne to stuff up and then clean up.’

If I had anything resembling a social life, I’d give up on the footy this year, but instead, I’ll go every week and assume the position I’ve spent most of my life in.

Saturday

Gold Coast (91) v Adelaide (90)

Gee, those umpires really hate the Crows.

They’ve stopped them from playing finals, and they cost them this game.

Izak Rankine should have been paid a mark or a free kick in the dying stages, but the umpires were like ‘no man, we hate you and your whole club.’

At least, that’s what I believe happened.

Luckily for Crows fans, the AFL admitted the umpire got it wrong, so that means everything is ok.

Getting the AFL to admit it’s wrong is much rarer than a win, so it should be worth ten premiership points.

A sensible person would say ‘you can’t just focus on one call, there’s bad calls across the game, you just notice the ones late more. 

Well, I say to that person ‘I am not a sensible man at the best of times and when it comes to football I am completely unhinged, so good day to you.’

One thing I must admit is that the Suns are good.

Unless they fall apart in the second half of the season they will play finals, and I can’t remember them ever doing that.

Once again, I’m performing at Gather Round in ‘Lehmo and Titus’ Gather Round Extravaganza’. It sold out last year, so get your tickets here.

Richmond (90) v Brisbane (118)

I wish I had a dollar for every time Richmond are going to be referred to as ‘plucky’ this season.

Already, I would have at least seven dollars from this game alone.

‘Plucky’ is one of those words you get called when you’re not very good, but you try hard.

I’ve been called it a lot.

Tigers fans would be happy though, they’re young kids are looking promising, they weren’t blown away and the line to get in was only thirteen hours long.

Sam Lalor, Luke Trainor and Harry Armstrong look like the sort of players you can build a team around.

Brisbane are thrilled too. They won, and the MCG is no longer a terrifying place for them.

In fact, Will Ashcroft seems right at home there, with his third-quarter goal from the boundary an absolute highlight.

No wonder the Lions hope to field a team of eighteen Ashcrofts in the near future.

North Melbourne (52) v Sydney (117)

Things looked good for North when they beat Melbourne, but it turns out that’s not that hard to do.

While some were painting this as a disaster for North, you’re going to get games like this when you’ve got a young team.

It’s like raising kids, you tell them what to do and what not to do over and over, and they ignore you more often than not, then suddenly it clicks, and they no longer do silly things.

If they don’t learn, you trade them out, like when my family traded me for two cans of chickpeas and a packet of AAA batteries.

My former dad says it was the best trade he ever made.

The family I went to still regard it as the worst trade they’ve ever made.

Sydney will be thrilled to start getting some life back into their season.

Where North overused the ball and fumbled it a lot, the Swans didn’t. Not stuffing up is an underrated skill in this game.

Sunday

Greater Western Sydney (132) v West Coast (51)

The fall of West Coast is one of the greatest collapses in sport history, and amazingly it doesn’t seem to be over.

The Giants brushed the Eagles aside like a Giant brushing aside someone who isn’t a giant. See, I’m a wordsmith.

The Eagles defence had no answers to Jesse Hogan who kicked nine goals and could have had more.

At one stage he marked out in front and instead of kicking his tenth, he handballed to a teammate.

That is the sort of behaviour that gets you kicked out of the Forwards Union.

Unselfishness is not something you look forward in a key forward.

Still, nine goals is pretty good, even if it was against a WAFL side.

Port Adelaide (72) v St Kilda (89)

Ross Lyon has spent a lot of time this season talking about MAFS and the White Lotus, and this focus seems to be paying off for him.

St Kilda are not only winning, but they’re scoring too, which I put down to Ross watching more TV and relaxing a little.

Perhaps I can convince Simon Goodwin to watch some Real Housewives.

To win in Adelaide is always hard, even against Port, who seem keen to shoot themselves in the foot this season.

They looked like they were going to run over the top of the Saints at times, but each time they stuffed things up and the Saints, to their credit, took advantage. 

The good news is Ken Hinkley had a lot of goodwill built up amongst Port fans and it’s not like the eyes of the footy world are all turning to South Australia this week.

Once again, I’m performing at Gather Round in ‘Lehmo and Titus’ Gather Round Extravaganza’. It sold out last year, so get your tickets here.

Fremantle (97) v Western Bulldogs (81)

Any footy journalist (of which I’m not) who doesn’t spend most of their review of this game on Rory Lobb’s haircut, doesn’t know what they’re doing.

A few weeks ago, Lobb had a blue haircut, sort of an electric blue, that stood out but was fairly simple in its execution.

This week, however, Rory had his hair dyed white, then a red lobster stencilled on the back of his head.

Now to understand the lobster reference, you have to understand nicknames in sporting teams, as they are often fiendishly clever.

In this case, Rory’s surname is ‘Lobb’ and therefore he is sometimes called ‘the lobster.’

To be honest, I’ve stood in front of the Mona Lisa, I’ve seen the Sistine Chapel, and I was even once asked to stop climbing the statue of David, but I feel I haven’t lived until I see Lobb’s hair art in the flesh.

Byes: Hawthorn, Essendon

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