Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Hawthorn (75) v Adelaide (66)

A tough week for Hawthorn with Tasmania breaking up with them after 25 years.

It’s a big blow, with the Hawks really enjoying sleeping over at Tasmania’s place, winning 61 of 87 games at York Park and now this game.

The Crows got off to a good start before Nick Watson did some of his wizarding stuff.

That all got paused when he got crunched in a marking contest, James Borlase's hip hitting the back of his head and then his head hit the turf.

It took three minutes to get him off, the ARC working as it always does, poorly.

The Crows big problem was that they couldn’t score when they had enough of it.

This was further hampered by Izak Rankine being limited with ‘calf concern.’

There’s nothing worse than a concerned calf, just ask any farmer.

The Hawks were just too good; if only they could keep Tasmania. 

This week’s Sports Bizarre Podcast is our series on Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, a man who appeared as a character in Seinfeld and fired everyone.

Friday

Richmond (74) v Essendon (56)

Dreamtime at the G saw two of the most injury-plagued teams in the history of the league go at it.

You’d think this would make them both keen to avoid further injuries, but they took to this with the intensity of a prison brawl. I saw a shiv out there at one point.

It’s lucky the MCG is close to several hospitals.

Matt Guelfi had a hamstring injury, Sam Durham suffered a concussion, Andy McGrath broke his jaw and Jye Caldwell played on but with an ankle injury.

To round things off, Archie May was taken to hospital after the game.

Richmond tried to keep up on the injury front; Jonty Faull was ruled out with concussion and Tom Lynch got an injured larynx.

Aside from injuries, both sides tried to outdo each other on the poor execution of skills.

Essendon’s 1.6 in the third term was the difference, however.

The Bombers now sit last on the ladder, with a solitary victory and a group of players who are either injured or have the morale of hostages.

Aside from Jacques Cousteau, no one has plumbed greater depths than Essendon.

Every time Bombers fans dare to dream that they’ve at least finally hit rock bottom, their club discovers an entirely new circle of hell.

Buying a Bombers membership is like funding your own unhappiness.

If you want to ensure you get my columns every week, the best way is to sign up for the email.

Fremantle (104) v St Kilda (74)

Not to alarm people but Fremantle are top of the ladder and have won 10 in a row consecutive for the first time ever.

We are through the looking glass people.

As well-known AFL analyst Kramer once pointed out, it’s about levels.

The Saints hung around all game, and were a point up in the fourth quarter, but that’s when the Dockers went up a level.

They poured on six goals, with Ross Lyon furious that once again the opposition were doing that ‘scoring thing’.

The loss took the Saints to 5-6, clinging to tenth spot, which used to not be a thing but the AFL are trying to make it one.

As for the Dockers, they may be scary.

Saturday

North Melbourne (111) v Gold Coast (105)

Gold Coast were up by 43 points in the second quarter, which would normally be a leading indicator of a win.

Especially considering North had just turned in an insanely poor performance against Adelaide.

This week, however, North decided not to give up, which proved a much better tactic.

Still, it was a long way back. At halftime they were still down 38 points, but luckily for them, the Suns were working through their Darwin hangover and were fading fast.

By three-quarter time, North were still 20 points down, but Gold Coast looked like they’d been on an all-night bender, not just Darwin, and they often do go together.

The Roos sensed this and upped their pressure, kicking six of the last seven goals as the Suns lay down and had a nap.

Geelong (107) v Sydney (80)

Two of the three competent AFL sides went at it on Saturday, with Geelong reminding everyone that they are a relentless winning machine that never takes a season off.

The Cats are so good at finding new talent that they have the luxury of resting Patrick Dangerfield for large periods of the game.

He still had more impact than many players out there for far longer.

Sydney mixed it with the Cats but soon they were 38 points down.

The problem with Geelong is everyone works hard. It’s deeply unfair.

Everyone knows almost no workplace does that.

When you look around most workplaces, it’s hard to see thirty per cent working.

That said, most workplaces don’t have Chris Scott breathing down their neck. 

If you want to ensure you get my columns every week, the best way is to sign up for the email.

Collingwood (92) v West Coast (82)

A special occasion with Scott Pendlebury breaking the record for most funds raised by a single player from merch in a single game.

It’s a record that may never be reached again.

And the Eagles came so close to spoiling the party.

This would have been especially embarrassing given the Pies have engineered this outcome for months.

West Coast obviously didn’t get the memo that they were meant to lie down and give the Pies an easy win.

Instead, they took it to them and the result was the Pies paying heavily for the win.

Jamie Elliott did his knee, Darcy Moore did his hamstring, Will Hayes dislocated his shoulder and Nick Daicos was sent for scans on his foot.

Apart from that it was a wonderful day for Pies fans.

Despite the close loss, for the first time in a long time, West Coast are doing a fair impression of an actual AFL side.

Port Adelaide (58) v Carlton (92)

Josh Fraser is in the conversation for Carlton’s greatest coach this century. It’s not much of a conversation, but that’s now two wins in a row.

The Blues are like a recently divorced fifty-year-old.

They’re enjoying their freedom, they’re having fun getting out there and are making lots of risky decisions

Sure, everyone knows reality will catch up with them again soon, but why not enjoy life until then?

Port looked so bad they made the Blues look dynamic.

They beat Geelong not that long ago, but have since rattled off four losses in a row.

This was by far the worst performance.

The Blues waltzed through the centre corridor with a casual ease that made you wonder if Port were paying any attention to the game at all.

Perhaps they need to sack their coach. Worked for Carlton.

Sunday

Greater Western Sydney (166) v Brisbane (88)

Lions fans may have sensed some trouble when the Giants, a team hardly known for high scoring this season, booted 14 goals in the third quarter.

That’s a lot.

The Giants scored 86 points in one quarter. The Giants rarely score 86 points in a game!

Up until that point, things were looking relatively even up until this point, making the third quarter massacre even more surprising.

It’s hard to describe Brisbane’s defensive pressure in the third quarter, mainly because there wasn’t any.

The Lions should request a priority pick.

Western Bulldogs (93) v Melbourne (90)

Ed Richards and Marcus Bontempelli tore Melbourne apart on Sunday, as the Dees seemed rather surprised the game had started, only getting into it late in the second quarter.

Despite Max Gawn hitting almost every ruck contest to advantage, it was the Bulldogs who took advantage time and again.

The Dees certainly worked their way back into the game, but were repeatedly their own worst enemy, fumbling the ball like it was an object they’d never seen before.

They also overcomplicated all their decision-making.

The final ten minutes saw plenty of heroics and mistakes from both sides

Jack Steele was streaming forward at one point, only for Rhylee West to chase him down.

The Dees got another chance, but Harvey Langford dropped a mark in the goal square.

The difference was the Dogs took their chances, the Dees didn’t.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus