Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place.
Thursday
Geelong (127) v Western Bulldogs (113)
As the Doggies fans headed back up the highway, they would have wondered why their team decided to boot seventeen behinds.
Personally, if I were one of their players, I would have said, ‘hey guys, let’s stop kicking behinds and start kicking goals!” I would have said it in an enthusiastic voice as well to really motivate them.
That would have fixed it.
In a game that had more subplots than an episode of The Wire, both sides ensured it lived up to the hype.
Bailey Smith was left alone in the main by the Doggies, such was their dislike for him, they didn’t go near him all night.
Jeremy Cameron and Shannon Neale booted six and five goals respectively as the Cats took their opportunities.
The Dogs wouldn’t be too disheartened. They were right in it, and if anything, they cost themselves, with their goal kicking being Geelong’s greatest defensive strength.
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Friday
Essendon (81) v Richmond (58)
Dreamtime at the 'G was not a good dream in a footballing sense.
It was more one of those frustrating dreams that don’t really go anywhere, you try to run but you can’t, and it leaves you feeling uneasy after you wake up.
The Bombers make football look hard. Despite appearances, their players do this as a full-time job, but you wouldn’t know that by watching them
The Tigers, despite lacking experience, gave it their all, but both sides butchered the ball, especially into the forward line.
So monotonous did the turnovers become that the 76,000-plus crowd sounded like a St Kilda crowd.
The Bombers midfield finally got on top, but it’s hardly a performance that would fill Essendon supporters with confidence.
Saturday
Carlton (82) v Greater Western Sydney (110)
My partner says I’m a lot like Carlton. I’ve underperformed for decades, I’m inaccurate, my decision making is poor, I’m lazy and my transition off half back leaves a lot to be desired.
While I feel the comparison is a bit unfair on my end, she’s spot on about Carlton.
The Blues real problem is they just don’t win. They seem to lack a real star who can make a difference when it really matters (with apologies to Patrick Cripps).
The Giants don’t have that problem. In his 250th game, Toby Greene showed what a difference one player can make.
Running through the midfield, as well as up forward, he had 28 disposals, six clearances and six inside-50s, while booting three goals.
He may be suspended every second game, but he’s a winner.
Hawthorn (60) v Brisbane (93)
It might not be panic stations at the Lions, but it has been ‘slight unease stations’ in recent weeks.
That unease will be gone after a dominant performance against the pantomime villain of the AFL, Hawthorn.
The last time the Lions beat the Hawks at the MCG, Shannon Noll’s version of ‘What about me?’ was on top of the charts.
For those of you who don’t judge time based on Shannon’s chart history (which is weird), that was 21 years ago.
The second quarter was the difference, with the Lions blitzing the Hawks, seven goals to two.
Charlie Cameron’s three goals in mere minutes was something to see and the Indigenous dancing after the goal was elite.
I love all the Indigenous celebrations, and it's strange to think Adam Goodes copped it so much when he did it.
Perhaps we could introduce dancing from all cultures after a goal. My culture’s version of dancing is to sway drunkenly while belting out Khe Sanh.
That would really be something to see. It would really bring a tear to the eye.
North Melbourne (63) v Collingwood (108)
For three quarters, North hung in there with a Collingwood side missing quite a few key players.
Brayden Maynard going down in the first quarter was the last thing the Pies needed.
North seemed to lift immediately, sensing a weakened opposition.
At three-quarter time, however, Craig McRae obviously decided that while it had been fun, it was time to put an end to this.
The Pies responded by going through about eight gears, which is eight more than North have, and that was it.
The ease at which the Pies pulled away would frustrate North fans who would have drawn some hope from the day’s performance until then.
The good news is North just now need one more quarter to be a serious side.
In recent years, they’ve needed four and sometimes it felt like five or six.
Fremantle (100) v Port Adelaide (51)
Port started the year trying a coaching handover that we have learnt over the years almost never works, and guess what? It hasn’t worked.
For a side with more talent than they are showing, they’ve looked flatter than a grade five class who have learnt their camp this year will be in Canberra.
Fremantle certainly needed this, after a lacklustre start to the season they now sit ninth on the ladder.
Unfortunately, they could be without their captain Alex Pearce who has been handed three weeks for his bump on Darcy Byrne-Jones.
It’s possible the Dockers will appeal it, given there’s an argument the hit, coming the last second in a marking contest, was difficult to avoid.
That said, the AFL have been very keen to stamp this sort of thing out, but then it’s the AFL Tribunal, so who know what they’ll do?
Even they don’t, and that’s even after they’ve made a decision.
We all know that when it comes to AFL appeals, they are the least predictable things in the universe. They make quantum physics seem easy to decipher.
Sunday
Adelaide (128) v West Coast (62)
Like the Red October running on caterpillar drive, the Crows have snuck into the top four and no one even noticed.
If you don’t believe me, go check the AFL website, which I’ve done seven times today to make sure, and yes, they are still there.
Hang on, I’m just going to check again. Give me a moment.
Yep, still there.
Amazing.
I’m not sure anyone else in Victoria knows this. I’m sure they do in South Australia.
Hang on, let me make sure I’m looking at the right year.
Yeah, I was. Still fourth.
Melbourne (131) v Sydney (78)
Like some of the Château Lafite Rothschild I’ve got in the cellar at one of my homes, Melbourne’s season keeps getting better with age.
After a disastrous start, the Dees have righted the ship, contested footy is back, the defence is functioning well, and the midfield is winning plenty of the ball.
Even up forward, they are getting plenty of opportunities. It’s just converting them.
The goalkicking is just horrendous. The Dees could have buried the injury-depleted Swans in the first half, but miss after simple miss kept the Swans around.
Luckily, the Dees have a young man by the name Kysaiah Pickett who ran amok and made a significant difference, albeit hitting the post an alarming number of times.
If the Dees could kick straight they would be lethal. IF they can’t fix it, they won’t get away with it against the top sides.
The Swans just don’t have many of their key players playing.
Injuries may not be an excuse, but they are a reason, and Sydney have plenty of reasons why they are struggling.
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St Kilda (61) v Gold Coast Suns (80)
Ross Lyon called the Gold Coast the nepo baby of the AFL, which is outrageous and accurate.
The Suns reacted by claiming this was outrageous, which it is, but it is also accurate.
St Kilda are certainly not the nepo baby of the AFL, they’re more an orphan out of a Charles Dickens novel, and not a main character one who makes good.
More one of the background orphans you never really hear about.
To be fair, almost every club has been a nepo baby at some point, needing the AFL to bail it out from their own ineptitude.
All this is to say, the back and forth around this was more interesting than the game itself.
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COMMENTS
Don Francisco's Sister
May 26, 2025
It's a safe bet that even as you read this there are executives at various sports-oriented media outlets hoping to sign up Bailey Smith when he finally hangs up his boots.
They'll want him as part of their broadcast team, in the hope and expectation that he'll put out controversial statement after controversial statement. And, by golly, Bazlenka will oblige them.
Khne Souness
May 26, 2025
Well my man ... Insightful as your partner may sound, I'm surprised they did not use the words "encroacher of a protected area". Another time perhaps!!
Andronicus
May 26, 2025
MELBOURNE: It's true. Kicking for goal about as well as my mother-in-law does yoga is not recommended if you want to win a lot of games.
Lorraine
May 26, 2025
Great work this week particularly enjoyed the wine reference to Dees😂✅
Bluesman
May 26, 2025
Interesting thought about a round dedicated to your culture--belting out Khe Sanh while pissed.
How about Houso Round, or Bogan Round.
Main game would have to be Port and Collingwood.
Not sure the Dees would be invited.
Vic Parkes
May 26, 2025
I think it’s time for a shortish history lesson Titus. Adam Goodes was not initially the target of booing because he is indigenous. At the end of his illustrious career he started flopping for free kicks. He wasn’t so good at that and people noticed. Hence the booing. No one likes a flopper. Then he whined about the booing. Even fewer people like a whining flopper. Then he had a teenage girl kicked out of the footy. That was fair enough I reckon, but a lot of people saw it as bullying a child. And absolutely no one likes a whining, flopping, bully. Hence the booing continued. At the time Goodes played, the AFL boasted (and of course still boasts) a host of indigenous players who were not booed and who were and are celebrated for their skill and ability. So while your newsletter lives off cheap shots and untruths, this one should not be let pass without comment.
Glenn Tooth
May 26, 2025
With the passing of time, it’s amazing that there are still people like Vic Parkes who still believe that’s why Goodes was booed. Amazing, yet unfortunately not at all surprising.
The g train
May 26, 2025
Titus—pretty much agreed with everything you wrote. More or less. You were outrageously accurate when describing the outrageous and accurate Lyon “nepo baby” comment as “outrageous and accurate”.
If many find Ross Lyon to be offensive, disrespectful and out of order, imagine what the St Kilda players have to live through? The answer would be outrageous, but it would be very accurate.
Let the record show: St Kilda, we warned you about Ross.
Kafka’s Ghost
May 26, 2025
Regarding the booing of Adam Goodes, it was outrageous. Nothing more than arrant bullying of the most egregious kind. You’re entitled to your opinion, Vic Parkes, but you’re just making excuses for a vicious pile-on.
Son of plugger
May 26, 2025
Ripper KJR, Titus. Yep—Adelaide might surprisingly be in the top 4, but Essendon is surprisingly equal 7th.
T Greene is The G-GOAT. The greatest Giant of all time. T Green could become the G-GOAT in time, but there will only ever be one T Greene.
Yeah, the AFL tribunal is quantum mechanics on the macro level, and then some. If you understand the AFL tribunal, then you don’t understand the AFL tribunal.
Janice
May 26, 2025
While I agree, our kicking against Geelong was extremely inaccurate, 5 of those points were post-ers. A slight adjustment and a little less paint would have created a different ending. A free kick differential of 26-12, certainly didn’t help, but at least this was something we expected when the ump appointments were announced prior. 🤷🏻♀️
John Whitelaw
May 26, 2025
Thanks again for the incredible incisive observations
Poss
May 26, 2025
Well said about the indigenous celebrations and, could I add, about the terrific event the indigenous Round has become.
Watching gifted Koori players displaying their unique skills is a highlight of the game. Think Kysaiah, Charlie, Izak, Michael Long and many others over the last few days.
Woody
May 26, 2025
FFS, don't go telling anybody that Adelaide have somehow wriggled up to fourth! If Pooort find out, they'll burn down the Oval ... Sydney's indifferent form will likely see them win by ten next week and restore the equilibrium
LEX. BROOKS
May 26, 2025
Titus Monday is the bleakest of the days (especially for a Swan) however you bring joy to my heart
And give me the will to carry on . Please continue your pastoral ruminations whilst I await the second coming
Of the Swans
Brad Stemph
May 26, 2025
The booing of Adam Goodes was a disgusting pile-on.
Rotten Ronnie
May 26, 2025
Is Eddie McGuire posting under the name Vic Parkes ?
Rich aka "Plug"
May 26, 2025
Son of plugger, does that make it the Catch 22 Tribunal or the Schroedinger's Tribunal??
Wilbur Morey
May 26, 2025
I think I can see a pile-on developing here, but it's not Adam Goodes at the bottom of it.
Rooboy
May 26, 2025
I'll front for Vic Parkes. Well said. Whining should be an automatic 50m and Goodes did that in spades.
Also, I am a firm believer that if you pay your $50-$500 ticket each week you can boo whomever TF you want. It's hard at Adelaide Oval tho, coz the nannas hate you disturbing their knitting!
Hayden Kelly
May 26, 2025
Good work Titus and thank you especially to Vic Parkes for enlightening us to the facts re Adam Goodes. Vic are you Jacinta Allen's media manager by any chance your loose use of the truth has a familiar ring about it.
Dick Parkes
May 26, 2025
It’s time for a really short history lesson Titus.
Earlier today a racist called VIC Parkes tried to reinvent history to explain why in the history of player who played for free kicks, the bloke who got booed for almost 2 seasons just happened to be the one who was aboriginal.
I’m gonna be lining up for the games with all the people booing Nick Watson all game.
Warney
May 26, 2025
I wanted to boo Goodes for the flops and other sneaky behavior. I didn’t because whatever footy transgressions I considered him guilty of, pale into sparrow farts in the face on the rampant racist pile on that occurred. It is mendacious to suggest that people weren’t piling on for no other reason than they are not smart to enough to breathe through their racist noses.
Darren J Ray
May 26, 2025
Vic Parkes - bullseye! Well said.
blackswamp barracker
May 26, 2025
Glad to see the majority of your commenters are not racists, Titus, and are willing to stand up to one. Take your ignorant attacks where they belong, Vic Parkes (Facebook?)... and leave The Kneejerk Reaction to the lovers, not the haters.
keith Martine
May 26, 2025
Onya Titus, leading from the front as always. Adam Goodes was left pretty much alone until he raised the issue of our appalling treatment of indigenous people. Any indigenous that speaks up is targeted immediately by I am not a racist Australians.
TOVO
May 26, 2025
VIC PARKES really should have called his piece a short REWRITE history lesson. Over the years I have been amazed at the procession of group-think sheep finding new ways to justify blatant racism and the procession continued this week.
Another Poster
May 27, 2025
Vic Parkes (the name betrays a thin skinned Magpie) tried and failed to weave past the player on the mark, tripped himself and dropped the ball and the umpire had no choice - whistle blown… Adam is an outstanding person, a great footballer, leader and proud indigenous man.
But hey, let’s defend poor behaviour and unacceptable bullying because it makes Vic uncomfortable being labelled.
Brent Dickinson
May 27, 2025
Not going to label Vic Parkes a racist; I'll let those who know him better to do that instead. Funny how they hide behind the whining and flopping thing for the booing, which didn't seem to bother people enough until he objected on field to being called an ape, some 15 years into his career, which he had been stating off field all along but some people are slow learners. Hoping Goodesy is well and happy away from the bullshit he copped 10 years ago.
JC
May 27, 2025
VIC PARKES - Another bogan racist attempts to rewrite history and weasel their insidious hatred through. Not having it you dropkick.
Arthur21
May 27, 2025
To the moronic noodledom that took to Adam Goodes…if you surveyed 100 of the “thicket of idiots” whilst exiting the ground, one per cent would give you an answer (excuse) like Vic Parkes; the other 99% of the sheeple wouldn’t have a clue! The only instance where “pack mentality” outdid the Adam Goodes mauling was the “burning of the witches” (did he weigh the same as a duck?) or the peasant who referenced “Jehovah” which was sadly then trumped by the masses taking the poison jab. Nuff said about the nuffers.
Daniel Flesch
May 27, 2025
A day late to the discussion, but I thought the booing of Adam Goodes started when he was sliding feet first into ground ball contests with the potential to injure his opponent. The AwFL brought in a rule against it same as it did with Toby Greene's studs up jumping. I admire Adam Goodes and I deplore the booing. I'm sure there were racists behind the booing ,and there was far too much of it, though the criticism of his dangerous feet first style was warranted i.m.o.
BonzoDog
May 27, 2025
TITUS: Just read the comments/slanging match.
Never has your motto, helpfully printed at the bottom of the page, seemed so appropriate.
" Don’t have faith in yourself; have faith in how bad other people are."
Monochromatic
May 27, 2025
Titus. Buddy.
I too enjoy the indigenous celebrations after a goal - more of them please!
BUT… how about Leggy’s Baby Stomp celebration which brought EVERY teammate ion the ground in for a hug?!?
Ya gotta love the fun and loyalty the Pies play with.