Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Carlton (66) v Brisbane (103)

The AFL’s love of putting Carlton in primetime TV slots is, frankly, odd.

It’s like giving someone who is taking their first ever tee shot a massive audience. Let them learn the game first.

I love watching Carlton lose as much as the next person, but this is too much even for me. It’s like how there are just too many superhero movies.

The Blues this season are a hot mess, even by their standards. All week we were told the most heinous death threat had been directed towards Voss, only to then discover it was a badly worded joke.

The way Voss went on, I thought he was in a level of danger not seen since Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard.

Brisbane have no such problem, having been cured of having Voss as coach a long time ago.

They should have warned the Blues. Friends don’t let Voss coach. 

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Friday

Gold Coast (69) v Collingwood (63)

Leaving Victoria is a rare and traumatic thing for Collingwood. They’d be players on their list who had never been on a plane before, so it would make sense they were a little distracted.

So thrown were the Pies by having to travel more than 30 minutes to play a game, it took them an entire half to accept they weren’t at the MCG.

At halftime, they hadn’t even kicked a goal.

When the Pies got going, they really got going and by the fourth quarter they’d managed to hit the front.

Based on their entire history, it looked like the Suns were done and dusted, but this is a new era—a bold new era when they are OK.

What does this mean for both clubs? Well, the Pies are obviously done, and the Suns will win a premiership.

Saturday

Western Bulldogs (98) v Adelaide (109)

Apart from having a name that’s fun to say, Riley Thilthorpe is a pretty good footballer and as a bonus, looks like a bushranger.

Looking like a bushranger or a pirate is a big plus in sport.

I loved Danny Southern when I was younger, purely he wouldn’t have looked out of place on any ship in the golden age of piracy.

Thilthorpe’s six goals were a big reason the Crows prevailed in this one, and it’s probably time we admitted they are a very good football side.

Against the Dogs they just looked more organised overall.

The Dogs big problem is that their losses are all against the top sides. I’ve always suspected that if you’re going to win a Premiership, you have to beat the top sides.

I’m not sure if the stats bear that out but it feels right.

With Fremantle winning, this was a tough loss for the Dogs.  

Greater Western Sydney (111) v Geelong (85)

After a pretty tight arm wrestle, Aaron Cadman got a bit tired of the Cats hanging around in the third quarter, so he booted four goals in a 17-minute blitz. He would finish with six.

There’s nothing more fun than a forward catching fire, and Cadman looked like the greatest player ever for those seventeen minutes.

The Cats had no idea what hit them. Like that time I drank a series of Espresso Martinis in a short period of time.

I was too drunk to do anything, but too wired to go to sleep.

Jeremey Cameron would have mixed feeling returning to Engie Stadium, for so long his home ground.

While now with Geelong, it must have been nice to go back and not see the fans.

It was a disappointing loss for the Cats, and disappointing of the AFL to make them play away from GMHBA Stadium.

Richmond (46) v Essendon (37)

I don’t know if this is the worst game ever played, but it wouldn’t look out of place on the nominations list.

So bad was this that both teams should lose Premiership points even the Tigers.

For the fans that were there, this will be something they’ll tell their grandkids about.

“Were you really at the Tigers/Bombers Round eighteen game in 2025 Grandpa?”

“I was,” as Grandpa’s eyes fix on the horizon and he gets that hollow look again, “I saw things I can never unsee.”

“Grandpa, why are you crying? Grandpa you’re scaring me.”

Essendon fans have got use to their team finding new and interesting ways to break their hearts, but this was, well, just another low. 

Everyone at Essendon is injured. Not since Spinal Tap drummers have I seen such an unlucky bunch.

Nic Martin’s knee injury was the last thing the team needed.

As to the game, this was ‘I wouldn’t be upset if I was temporarily blinded’ stuff.

The Bombers had four goals from 55 inside 50s as they found ways to butcher opportunities in the forward fifty, that even I, a Melbourne supporter, hadn’t seen before. 

You could assume Richmond played well, but nothing could be further from the truth.

They were so bad that they didn’t kick a goal in the second and third quarters yet still won.

In fact, they kicked three goals to one in the second half.

The second quarter was the closest thing to hell I’ve experienced.

Neither side kicked a goal, as two teams made up of people whose only job is to play football, turned in a performance that looked like a group of politicians at a media opportunity trying to pretend they’ve held a ball before.

Thanks for ruining football guys.

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Fremantle (77) v Hawthorn (64)

This was intense.

Like when two cars confronting each other in a side street when only one car will fit but neither driver wants to give way and then you get stuck behind them and you realise once again two idiots are making your life harder.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve gotten a bit off topic.

It was an intense game though. Both sides are jostling for position in the eight, with Fremantle toying with their fans hope at the bottom of the eight.

Relax Freo fans, they’ve got this! When have they ever let you down before.

Neither side wanted to give up in this but the Dockers had it when it mattered.

Mathematically, the dream of Hawthorn missing finals is still alive, but I’m afraid it’s still a long shot.

Sunday

Melbourne (119) v North Melbourne (83)

After taking off so many weeks this year, it was nice to see so many Dees get involved again.

Taking June off obviously had refreshed a lot of them and it showed it was all worth it to get this win over North Melbourne.

Of course, even with the midseason holiday, the win was helped by Nick Larkey not playing. Put Larkey in and this was a different game.

North certainly took it up to Melbourne, and Tristan Xerri decided taking people out would help.

I just hope if I ever do anything wrong people defend me like the commentators did Xerri.

Taking someone’s head off was described as an accident and not intentional.

As I watched Tom Sparrow come to and get stretchered off, I thought, gee, lucky it wasn’t intentional.

St Kilda (87) v Sydney (92)

You’ve got to give it to St Kilda. They’re mastering the art of getting close but not winning.

In fact, that could be their motto, ‘Almost winning since 1873.’

There was always a sense in this game that Sydney would break off the shackles, but the Saints just wouldn’t let them, like when an overly familiar relative who hugs you way longer than necessary. 

It took a bit of ruck brilliance from Brody Grundy, feeding the ball perfectly to Errol Gulden from a stoppage, who roved and kicked the winning goal to break away.

It keeps the Swans in the finals hunt, although distantly, like me saying
I’m still in the hunt to lose weight this year.

Port Adelaide (87) v West Coast (61)

Things are buried in the twilight Sunday slot for a reason. This round they could have put a few more games here.

This was more entertaining than the Essendon-Richmond game, but then even a one-year-old’s birthday party is less excruciating than that.

The Eagles actually took the lead in this one, to the surprise of all involved, and it took Zak Butters  to remind his teammates they were playing the Eagles and needed to get moving.

There was some good clean fun as Jason Horne-Francis and Harley Reid got stuck into each other, with Reid playing one of his best games.

In the end however, Power may be struggling, but they’re not that bad.

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