Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise. 

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Friday

Collingwood (71) v Geelong (91)

With all the events occurring around the world, everyone’s premiership window might be shut for good soon.

It’s why Collingwood losing three games in a row, while a blessing most of us didn’t expect, is a painful outcome for Pies fans.

The Pies started the season favourites, but their injury list blew out faster than me on a holiday.

Now they sit down in twelfth spot, although the ladder is closer than cousins from America’s deep South.

Collingwood controlled a lot of the game, but they couldn’t score, and then found a problem in Geelong always having loose men everywhere.

The Cats had 145 marks to Collingwood’s 75, as all those Geelong players they produce in a factory down there ran riot.

I swear the Cats use some sort of cloning to keep producing so many good players consistently.

I’m sure if you look in the state government’s budget it has a line item somewhere that reads ‘Secret Geelong Football Club Cloning Lab’.

Perhaps my favourite bit of this game, was the AFL suddenly deciding the fifteen-meter rule would be the focus.

It was applied consistently almost the entire round before they got bored. Well done AFL, I’m looking forward to discovering what next week’s rule the umpires will care about.

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Saturday

Hawthorn (87) v Fremantle (74)

Not the ideal outcome for Fremantle, who have shown flashes of competency this season.

Dockers fans would have their heads in their head in their hands, as they contributed to a bad weekend for accuracy.

It was a very Fremantle loss; they just find ways to lose.

Even more frustrating for Freo fans was then watching James Sicily go forward and kick goals.

He seemed out of sorts in defense, with two dislocated shoulders this season seeming to cause him problems tackling.

Sam Mitchell decided to send him forward as a solution and the Dockers coaches were like ‘What sorcery is this?”

His three goals were decisive.

Hawthorn under Mitchell brings intense pressure. Add to that talented young players and what do we have? A disaster.

All I wanted from the Hawthorn Football Club was several decades of obscurity. Is that too much to ask?

Sydney (138) v North Melbourne (59)

A quick bit of internet research and I learnt Isaac Heeney hasn’t been sent to prison in Siberia but just suspended for a single week.

When I watched his video, in which he thanked his lawyer, I thought we had a Brittney Griner situation, but it turned out Heeney was just missing a game against North Melbourne.

I would have thought that was more of a reward. I would have rested him anyway.

Heeney’s absence was felt, the Swans only won by 79-points.

Of course, his suspension once again saw the rules of Brownlow eligibility to be called into question.

It’s an odd debate for me. The Brownlow has history and that’s it.

It’s a stupid award, judged by umpires (who see it as more as a burden), and it’s reserved solely for midfielders.

To me, the Fairest bit is the least of its problems.

The awards voted by the coaches and the players are the best in my opinion, combine them, scrap the fairest bit and move on.

Oh, the Swans were also a bit annoyed the Giants poked fun at the Heeney video. There’s a quick fix for that, don’t put out silly videos.

Also, North Melbourne participated in this game.

Western Bulldogs (100) v Carlton (86)

Could it be happening? Could the Blues, as September approaches, be melting like a comet getting closer to the sun?

They’ve got North next week, so it may be hard to judge immediately, and the Bulldogs are a strange club.

They’ll look like a premiership side one week and a bottom four the next.

The Doggies lost to Port Adelaide by 48 points last week. Port Adelaide! And then they win this. It’s just weird.

Partly it was due to Jamarra Ugle-Hagan playing a consistent game and kicking four goals.

Disappointingly for Carlton, this was Patrick Cripps 200^th game. Again, he tried to carry his team, and annoyingly they didn’t say, ‘no Patrick, you’ve done enough, now it’s time for us to carry you.”

Instead, they jumped on his back once again screaming ‘Yay! Patrick is giving us all a piggyback ride again!”

The role of passenger still comes a little easily to some of them.

Adelaide (71) v St Kilda (39)

Thirty-nine points and just two goals after quarter-time. Yep, this was a Ross Lyon masterclass alright.

Yes, there was rain, and both sides struggled to score for most of the third term, but these two sides are able to do that when it’s bone dry.

The difference was the Crows seemed to actually want to score.

When Riley Thilthorpe came on as the sub, he seemed positively excited to kick goals, which was a nice change.

With such a boring stalemate going on, the umpires thought it would be fun to just call as many free kicks as possible.

In the wet, the ball would slide out of bounds at every opportunity, so the umpires called almost every out-of-bounds ‘insufficient intent’.

This was despite the fact players were kicking it long because it was pouring, and the ball would just skid forever.

Ross Lyon and Matthew Nicks bit couldn’t help but laugh at the total absurdity of the situation.  

If you didn’t get a chance to watch this game, feel good about yourself.

Melbourne (84) v Essendon (67)

A good way to get a measure of a team is to talk to their supporters. Before the game, I spoke to several Bombers supporters and we both made strong arguments about why our team couldn’t win.

A team's own supporters almost never believe in them, it’s a defence mechanism.

But with Gawn and Petracca out, and Oliver well below par, surely Essendon fans should have more confidence in their team I argued.

It turns out the Essendon fans were right and I was wrong.

Under pressure, Essendon fumbled the ball constantly. To compensate for this, they decided to handball more than was necessary, which wouldn’t have been my go-to move.

With the rain approaching, the Bombers supporters got more anxious than someone wearing suede shoes.

As the heavens opened, the Bombers upped their overuse of the ball, which I thought was again odd.

Melbourne’s record in the wet in recent years is terrible, but you wouldn’t have known that, as they tackled hard and kicked the ball long.

As the rain continued, the Bombers, seeing what Melbourne were doing, decided to add running around in circles, to their fumbling and overuse of the ball.

It was bewildering stuff.

Dees fans can be thrilled, the young players were great, and the team showed commitment.

Essendon fans were furious. There’s nothing worse than your team living up to your expectations.

Sunday

Gold Coast (96) v Port Adelaide (82)

Port are the very definition of underwhelming.

With a chance to play finals, they lost to a team that could defeat North Melbourne last week.

They weren’t helped by injuries, but there’s just always a sense you’re in with a chance against Port.

For a side like the Suns, who seem to run on confidence, this is all you need.

You need to put the Suns away, especially at home, otherwise, they hang around like that annoying friend of your brother who once said Andrew Tate ‘had some interesting ideas.’

Instead, Port lost their cool at key points. Jason Horne-Francis gave away two free kicks after throwing his opponents to the ground, one leading to a goal.

It was completely unnecessary and displayed the self-destructive streak that runs through the club, and trust me, I can recognise self-destructive behaviour.

The good news for the Suns is they are now one of the logs in the logjam for the eight.

Richmond (84) v Greater Western Sydney (108)

The Tiger Army were out in force at the MCG with a massive 19,040 on hand to watch Toby Greene branch out from his comedy career.

What the Tiger Army missed was Richmond winning this game everywhere but the scoreboard.

They had 53 inside 50s compared to the Giants 36, nine more clearances and won the contested ball.

Their problem was, and this is a bit technical, their forward line sucked. To be fair, so did their entry into the forward line.

Up the other end, Toby Greene and Jesse Hogan took their opportunities.

Toby of course caused some controversy this week with his video mocking Issac Heeney’s video.

As far as controversies go, this ranks about 231^st for Greene. I’m sure he was really tearing himself up inside.

West Coast (93) v Brisbane (106)

West Coast handled the sacking of Adam Simpson with the deft touch of a drunk hippo, but at least the send-off on the day was handled somewhat better.

Both Simpson and the crowd found the class the administration had lacked a few days before.

I’ve always felt a bit for Simpson. He delivered a premiership, and then the club proceeded to make some of the worst list decisions in history, and he had to manage the fallout.

The Tim Kelly trade may not be the worst trade of all time but it’s in the conversation.

The players thanked Simpson by not winning, but they did put on a spirited performance against Brisbane, who have now won six games in a row.

The big difference was Lachie Neale he had 34 disposals and kicked two goals.

The Eagles midfield seemed to be operating under the belief you are not allowed to tackle him.

Time and again he got the ball out of the centre, while the Eagles midfield watched on in awe.

Still, the Eagles would be a great team to coach. You’re coming off lows so low they were deeper than the deepest mine in Western Australia.

You’ve got a club with huge resources, passionate fans who give you a big home-field advantage and some great young players.

Teach Harley Reid to run back on defence, move on some of the senior players, and you’ve got yourself a real-life AFL side.

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