Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Collingwood (93) v Hawthorn (93)

Normally, if you told me that both Collingwood and Hawthorn hadn’t won on the weekend, I’d be thrilled.

Yet neither lost this week, either, so there’s a hollow feeling to it all.

Denis Pagan said a draw is like dancing with your sister, yet I’d dance with my sister every week if it meant both Collingwood and Hawthorn didn’t win.

The Hawks should have had this if they had kicked straight. Starting the game with a 1.7 first quarter is something I wouldn’t recommend to anyone.

In the end, the Hawks got lucky, with Darcy Moore dropping a key mark, which he then made worse by giving away a free kick for a high tackle.

The Pies could really have used someone with a cool head. A Scott Pendlebury type. 

This week’s Sports Bizarre Podcast is about Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, a man who appeared as a character in Seinfeld and fired everyone.

Friday

Western Bulldogs (102) v Fremantle (114)

To start with, it’s crazy that Aaron Naughton played in this game after last week.

Not since Jesus has someone bounced back like this.

Naughton did well to get up for this game, given the Bulldogs have so many injuries that Whitten Oval looks like an episode of The Pitt. 

Despite all this, the Bulldogs put on a great effort against the Dockers, with Marcus Bontempelli, his knee strapped, doing everything to drag them across the line.

He finished with 33 disposals and two goals but looked exhausted by the end.

Fremantle just had too much firepower but had to work a lot harder than they really should have.

A big reason for this was overcoming their own mistakes, which is how life really works.

Adelaide (76) v Port Adelaide (75)

I went over for the Showdown, as there’s nothing more fun than watching Crows and Power fans get stuck into each other.

As a neutral, it’s a bit like watching your siblings fight, and you’re not part of it.

For some reason, it’s very amusing, and the more full-on it gets, the funnier it is.

And this got full on.

Early on, it was a scrap with fumbles everywhere. It looked like the game wasn’t going to reach any great heights.

Then in the fourth, it got tight.

Port had been down by 21 points early in the final term, only for Joe Berry to kick a goal with about forty seconds to go.

Cue Port fans losing their minds.

Crows fans looked like someone deeply hungover who had just been told they have to get up for a one-year-old’s birthday, a one-year -old they don’t even know.

Yet that was not the end.

With 10 seconds left, Brayden Cook somehow got free and, on the run, slotted the winning goal.

Crows fans celebrated like someone deeply hungover who had just been told they no longer have to go to that one-year-old’s birthday, a one-year -old they don’t even know.

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Saturday

Essendon (79) v Brisbane (143)

Proving a whiteboard that lists all your weakness correct is surely a new low, even for Essendon.

If anything, the whiteboard wasn’t harsh enough.

The fact the Lions found strengths for many of the Bombers players shows they were being kind rather than cruel.

If Essendon fans had been the ones filling out that whiteboard, it would have been a lot harsher.

In reality, pulling the whiteboard across the goal would do a better job than Essendon’s defence.

Brisbane acted appalled that the whiteboard had leaked, but they were the ones who left it up in an area the public could see.

Blaming others for your own mistakes is a classic move but tends not to work that well.  

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West Coast (88) v Richmond (99)

Richmond took some time out from injuring their own players to record a win on the weekend.

It might have only been against WAFL side the West Coast Eagles, but it still counts as a real proper win.

The Tigers hadn’t won since July last year, when they beat, well, West Coast.

The good news is they play the Eagles in July, so we know when their next win will be.

For West Coast, losing to a Richmond side made up of whoever had footy boots at the club, is possibly a new low, but it’s hard to tell anymore.

At home, this should have been a win, but the Eagles not winning is sort of their brand now.

Geelong (135) v North Melbourne (86)

North Melbourne was given a reminder that this AFL thing is really hard.

Geelong were coming off a poor game against Port, but back home, they were in no trouble.

It seemed close for most of the game, but eventually the Cats put their foot down.

They were also helped by North making skill errors rarely seen outside of a Carlton preseason training drill.

The Cats couldn’t believe their luck.

The result was nine goals in the last term from Geelong, which, if my maths is correct, is a lot.

Carlton (69) v St Kilda (108)

I try not to be too hard on Carlton every week (honestly, I do), but they just won’t help themselves.

They’re like a band that just play their greatest hits. The lead at halftime, the third quarter nap and then the fourth quarter waving of the white flag for the encore.

It’s all so predictable. Even just laying six tackles in the third term was not a shock.

Michael Voss looks increasingly like someone in a hostage in his media conferences.

What have Carlton fans done to deserve this? Apart from being Carlton fans that is.

The Saints have had the Eagles and the Blues in the last two weeks. That’s just what you’d order if your season was struggling.

Next week, they get the Suns, which is not quite as helpful.

Sunday

Sydney (131) v Melbourne (114)

Imagine you’re 7-1, top of the ladder, Sydney Sweeney wants to hang out, you play North next, and you still have Errol Gulden to come back.

Things could not be going any better. The only thing standing in the way of a Swans premiership is having to play in a Grand Final.

It’s a good time to be a Swans player. Not only are they flying, but being in Sydney, they can celebrate all these wins at a bar or nightclub that probably won’t be firebombed.

Malcolm Rosas had a field day with seven goals, Brodie Grundy dominated in his 250th game, while Isaac Heeney did Isaac Heeney things all day.

Melbourne, however, looked in real trouble at times but fought back in a display that shows they are able to match it with the top sides.

They just need to get through a week without sacking anyone.

Gold Coast (83) v Greater Western Sydney (63)

Damien Hardick has seen a lot in his coaching career, but when the broadcaster was trying to install the camera in the coaches' box, a tool was dropped and smashed the glass, leaving it severely cracked.

That made it impossible to see through.

Deciding that a coach probably needs to see the game, the glass was removed.

Seeing the game worked for Hardwick, as in slippery conditions, both sides slogged it out.

The difference was Gold Coast’s offseason additions of Christian Petracca and Jamarra Ugle-Hagan.

Ugle-Hagan booted three in the second half to give the Suns the spark they needed.

In a slopy match due to slippery conditions, things were slopy, leading to some frustration.

That was no excuse for Suns forward Ben Long slapping Clayton Oliver in the face.

I mean, who does that?

Oliver seemed more surprised than hurt.

I’m no employment lawyer, but most workplaces frown on you slapping people.

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