Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place.
Thursday
Adelaide (78) v Port Adelaide (48)
Port Adelaide like poor goalkicking almost as much as they like playing injured players.
In what is the Grand Final this season for both these sides, Port found new and exciting ways to not kick goals, managing an impressive 2.14 after quarter-time and finishing 5.18.
They avoided between the two big sticks like Leonardo DiCaprio avoids commitment.
To make matters worse, they also played Connor Rozee despite him not being able to run out last week’s game.
Rozee has, to quote a now common phrase, ‘hamstring awareness’. So aware are his hamstring now that they are sentient.
He didn’t finish the game, and Hinkley admitted playing him was a mistake.
But even with an injured Rozee, if the Power are meant to be serious contenders, then how did they lose this so comprehensively?
Port fans will be quick to tell you that’s because they are not serious contenders.
Their team currently operates almost as well as their medical staff.
This is meant to be a serious feud, up there with Drake and Kendrick Lamar, yet the Power didn’t look that motivated at all.
The Crows had the retirement of Rory Sloane to motivate them. The problem for the Crows is you can’t get him to retire every game.
Friday
Carlton (79) v Collingwood (85)
There’s a body of evidence emerging that Nick Daicos might be a very good football.
I don’t want to come across as gushing, but he might even be better than good.
After an entertaining spectacle, a stoppage just outside Collingwood’s forward fifty saw the ball bobble around as players attempted to grab it.
It was knocked into the forward fifty, and out of nowhere came Nick Daicos, running at full speed. Like a panther stalking its prey, he was watching the ball, he waited and waited, then bang, he took off.
It seemed he had seen the play before, he knew exactly where to be and when.
He then snapped the ball on his right foot and through it sailed.
It was such an exciting moment, I almost felt positive about it, even though he plays for Collingwood.
And while I can console myself that it’s ok to feel a bit happy because Carlton lost, a part of me feels nothing but shame that I momentarily enjoyed a moment of Collingwood brilliance.
To add salt to the wound, he then gave a nice post-game interview, and then Darcy Moore gave a classy speech about Peter Mac Foundation and their work battling cancer.
I mean the bar is so low for footballer’s speeches that people are impressed when they string three words together, but Moore had stats and everything in his.
Damn this Collingwood team. The fact they are good and nice makes me hate them even more.
If you want to ensure you get my columns every week, the best way is to sign up for the email.
Saturday
Sydney (98) v Greater Western Sydney (69)
The entire footy world will be hoping for the best for Tom McCartin, who went off concussed after Callum Brown bumped him high in one of the more unnecessary things you’ll see on the field.
Brown has now been suspended for three matches, and just to add to the fun, Toby Greene was fined for striking Jake Lloyd.
Luckily for Toby, his clean record meant it was only a fine.
Aside from those two moments, the Giants didn’t get up too much else, turning in a rather insipid performance against their cross-town rivals.
Things seemed to go downhill fast after Tom Green went off with an ankle injury, and the Giants didn’t seem that interested.
To keep the crowd entertained, Errol Gulden put on a kicking clinic, which was worth the price of admission. For a game based substantially on kicking the ball, it’s amazing how many players can’t do it that well.
Its why Gulden is a joy to watch. He can not only hit a target, but he also makes good decisions on which player to target.
Spoiler alert for many players, it’s his teammates.
St Kilda (103) v North Melbourne (65)
Things are not going well for St Kilda, but at least they’re not ‘lose to North Melbourne’ bad.
In fact, if you were new to the game, and didn’t know North Melbourne are a historically bad team, you could have been tricked into thinking the Saints were a good side.
In a week where Alastair Clarkson conceded his team’s training standards weren’t up to scratch, the Kangaroos were like a dog making a coffee.
Enthusiastic but the task was beyond them.
The only entertaining moment of the game was Jimmy Webster being on the same field as Jy Simpkin.
Webster had a seven-game ban after a high hit on Simpkin in the preseason, so when Webster got the ball in the back pocket, only to turn it over for a goal, North Melbourne fans got their first highlight of the season.
Melbourne (74) v Geelong (66)
It was the best of games; it was the worst of games.
Last week I got shingles, which I don’t recommend to anyone, but this game was more painful for long stretches.
A tight defensive, struggle, by two teams who know what they’re doing, was garnished unfavourably by some of the worst goalkicking you’ve seen outside a Port Adelaide game.
For a stretch of the game, spanning the first three quarters, both teams booted 14 consecutive behinds.
Partly it was the pressure, but there were plenty of simple ones that should have been kicked. I hadn’t heard so many groans from a crowd since my last gig.
Kade Chandler finally broke the drought, which then shifted the game into a high-paced contest, although both sides managed to still butcher the ball at times.
The fourth quarter was one of the most stressful things I’ve watched in ages, right up there with Daryl Somers at the Logies.
Just when Melbourne would get ahead, Geelong would get on top, only for Melbourne to reverse the situation. It was like that time as a kid when I walked in on my parents wrestling.
Where goals were not being kicked earlier, suddenly players were producing bits of magic.
Max Gawn booted one from 60 meters outs, and then Bayley Fritsch, the 1930s cartoon character come to life, booted what is arguably the goal of the season.
Fritsch managed to keep the ball in the boundary, deep in the pocket, only to then dribble a spinning kick through at an impossible angle.
Well, it wasn’t impossible, as he did it, but impossible to all of us watching, except for Eddie Betts.
Geelong had their chances late, but where Melbourne had booted these goals, Jeremy Cameron managed to blow two relatively simple kicks at goal.
If these two meet in the finals, my heart won’t cope.
West Coast (71) v Essendon (77)
Essendon held on in a tough hit out, with the Bomber’s best player being Jamie Cripps.
Cripps killed the Eagles late momentum to see Essendon hold on, and it was a nice touch when he joined the Bombers in the change rooms to sing the song.
In one respect, the Eagles will just be thrilled they are no longer being belted, but they will be disappointed they didn’t get it done.
Even more disappointing was Elliot Yeo injuring his groin, reminding people that West Coast are less a footy club and more a mechanism for injuring people.
Essendon now sit in fifth spot. They can’t not win a final from here!
Sunday
Richmond (49) v Fremantle (103)
Like my twenties in a nightclub, Richmond worked hard but went home with nothing on Sunday.
Probably the best description of Richmond this season is ‘workmanlike’.
The effort is often there but the ability isn’t. It’s almost like having a bunch of premiership players affects a side, except for Geelong.
One flaw in Richmond’s game plan was kicking the ball constantly Luke Ryan.
He finished with 15 marks and 39-possesions, and a lot of it was just him waiting for Richmond to make a mistake, and there wasn’t much of a wait.
At some point, someone at Richmond might have thought ‘perhaps we shouldn’t kick it to Luke Ryan every single time we go forward’, but it that idea didn’t spread to the entire team.
Western Bulldogs (91) v Hawthorn (98)
It hasn’t been exactly a secret that the Bulldogs just aren’t that good, but if there are some people living deep in the outback, surely, they know that now too.
Hawthorn, whose only win this season had been against VFL side North Melbourne, got their first proper win of the season, and consigned the Doggies to a week of turmoil.
To use the overused phrase, the Hawks just seemed to want it more.
It was close but given the players the Bulldogs have on their list, this should have been a game they handled.
Handle it they did not.
The Hawks greater desire was defined by James Sicily dislocated his shoulder early but played on and booted the winning goal.
In fairness, the Bulldogs were distracted because Essendon ruckman Sam Draper made a few comments on a podcast.
He said that several Bulldogs players would leave the club at the end of the season if Beveridge stayed as coach.
With performances like these, there’s not a lot of danger of that happening.
Brisbane (79) v Gold Coast (45)
Brisbane’s season is cursed. Even when they win they seem to lose, with their entire team going down injured in this one.
First, we should mention the Suns were terrible. Once again, they show all the promise early on then go to water as the season progresses.
The Lions dealt with them easily, but it was costly.
First, Brandon Starcevich went down with a calf injury, and the game hadn’t even started.
Then Lincoln McCarthy went off with a knee injury, less than 10 minutes into the first quarter.
Then in quick succession, Noah Answerth went off with a concussion and Darcy Gardiner went off with a knee injury and it wasn’t even halftime.
The chaos it caused can be seen in Logan Morris’ day.
He played in the VFL side where he ran 13km before heading to Macca’s where he got a barbecue angus meal, six nuggets and a frappé.
Turning up to the Gabba, where he wasn’t expecting to play, he then ate a spicy tomato, bacon and chorizo soup.
He was then told he would be the sub. The only problem was he didn’t have his boots with him so he had to wear a pair of Will Ashcroft’s, which were a size too small for him.
He then went on early and ended up kicking his first-ever goal.
I feel his pre-game meal sums up how Brisbane prepared for this season.
Unfortunately, I had to cancel my show last Friday due to getting shingles. Apologies to all who bought tickets. The show has been rescheduled for June 7.
I’ll be right for the shows this Friday and Saturday. Friday is sold out but there are tickets left for Saturday and the June 7 show.
You can get tickets here.
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus
COMMENTS
Advahntage
May 06, 2024
[A tight defensive, struggle, by two teams who know what they’re doing, was garnished unfavourably by some of the worst goalkicking you’ve seen outside a Port Adelaide game.]
By "garnished unfavourably" you meant "tarnished", right?
Corey Ladbrook
May 06, 2024
"Well, it wasn’t impossible, as he did it, but impossible to all of us watching, except for Eddie Betts." . . . . Stephen Milne would like a word . . . .
KP
May 06, 2024
WTF is Shingles? Sounds like paying a man with a lisp in dollar notes
Lawrence Brennan
May 06, 2024
Get well, Titus
The Dirty Bludger
May 06, 2024
Long as it isn't worth anyone's daughter
Terry Bate
May 06, 2024
I had shingles last year, it was not fun. Hope you are feeling better Titus!
The g train
May 06, 2024
Agree with everything you wrote, Titus. Except the dig at T Greene. We were all told last round that it’s tough being T Greene—but ya still had to sink the boot in! I tried being T Greene for a day—never again. It was too tough.
No T Green—no GWS.
Drake and Kendrick Lamar are feuding??
Running Dog
May 06, 2024
Titus, if you ever start another review with an opening line reminiscent of a famous novel then I am going to have to call you Ishmael. I realise the past is a foreign country, like Victoria, and they do things differently there, and all this happened, more or less, but surely a single man like you, in possession of a good fortune, can't be in want of a wife?
And speaking of the past, when I see Bailey Fritsch and his Waffen SS haircut it's unfortunately not a 1930's cartoon character that I see :(
Rock Sax
May 06, 2024
Loving watching Golden Gulden’s kicking.
Blakey the Lizard also pulls off some outrageous angles.
I just love the skills involved in Aussie Rules.
I often wonder what it would look like if we had a talent pool consisting of the whole world, like soccer does, instead of just Australia with a few ring-ins from Ireland.
Imagine what Aussie Rules would look like if every player on every team could kick like Errol Gulden.
Greg Ed
May 06, 2024
Get a shingles vacc asap old fella!
Son of plugger
May 06, 2024
Hope you are feeling better, Titus.
Just to clear up: “Well, it wasn’t impossible, as he did it, but impossible to all of us watching, except for Eddie Betts”. Remember, all things are possible, even the impossible. So, logically, it’s also possible for there to some things that are impossible. So something impossible can be considered possible on the grounds that we actually observed an impossibility, without negating the impossibility of it. That doesn’t mean that the impossibility we witnessed is possible; it’s certainly possible to be possible from one observer’s viewpoint but simultaneously impossible from another’s.
This possibly explains the possibility of feeling nice about Collingwood’s victory, which is an impossibility.
saint peter
May 06, 2024
The saints are finally on their way to the premiership. Mark my words. There is no doubt in people's minds. There all the talk especially at the work place. At the psychiatric centre for lost adults, they are all there talking about the Saints.
Angry Angus
May 06, 2024
Magnificent Titus. Laugh out loud stuff. Not sure how you arrived at the North analogy of a dog making a coffee, but was pure gold.
Lilac Mist
May 06, 2024
Luke Ryan is basically Freo’s mum. Cleaning up after the kids all day long.
John
May 06, 2024
Great comments
Fritch’s goal will be goal of year
Gyfox
May 06, 2024
Titus, you know that when parents wrestle like yours it produces idiots? Think about it ;-)
Moses Syndes
May 06, 2024
In the cold hard light of day, O'Reily, your use of the word sentient is both pertinent and an unalloyed truth on the matter you were on about!
Dorian Gray
May 06, 2024
You know you’re getting old when it suddenly dawns on you that wherever you go, you’re constantly surrounded by people who look like your grandparents did not long before they died - at the cafe, at the restaurant, on the cruise I’m currently on. You also know you’re getting old when you catch a virus that’s associated with old age. Hope you get over the Shingles soon.
Mrs Daicos
May 06, 2024
“There’s a body of evidence emerging that Nick Daicos might be a very good football”. He might also be a very good footballer.
Corvidae Odium
May 06, 2024
Yes, the eloquence of Darcy Moore, the solemnity of Craig McRae, and the dynamism of Nick Daicos, is enough to make anyone stop in their tracks and feel the urge to give Collingwood due credit. But then observing the confused look in the eyes of their supporters when listening to their captain speak, gives one the feeling that all’s right in the world.
Advahntage
May 06, 2024
[You know you’re getting old when it suddenly dawns on you that wherever you go, you’re constantly surrounded by people who look like your grandparents did not long before they died - at the cafe, at the restaurant, on the cruise I’m currently on.]
Also, when you play the slot machines and three prunes come up. And when you ask your doctor if your heart is still strong enough for sex and he says, "Not if you join in".
Joel Rembach
May 06, 2024
“ Damn this Collingwood team. The fact they are good and nice makes me hate them even more.”
- Have you met Braydon Maynard, doesn’t come across on the field as good or nice.
Dr Grouch
May 06, 2024
I thoroughly enjoyed this one, Titus. Especially the bit about knowing how to kick. Or, in the case of most of the buggers, not knowing how to kick. Get well, mate. I had shingles it's shit. I now look forward to my seniors card. And gout.
Wal
May 06, 2024
Dear God. I also remember walking in on my parents 'wrestling'. Damn hard to tell who won as I vaguely recall!!
Bluesman
May 06, 2024
“ Damn this Collingwood team. The fact they are good and nice makes me hate them even more.”
- Have you met Braydon Maynard, doesn’t come across on the field as good or nice.
My contact in the Coll'd cheer squad reckons Pendelbury is a complete a-hole.
A few half decent humans maybe.
You've been conned.
But, no. 35 might actually be pretty good :) His old man was/is also a decent bloke and player.
Fat Side
May 06, 2024
You're right about dogs making coffee Titus, it took me years to teach mine how to pour a beer properly.
Tarax Club
May 06, 2024
RED AND BLUE HEART OF SATURDAY NIGHT
Rather than ski we're all here at the 'G.
.
You can have all your Hawk'ins and keep your JC squawk'ins
Meanwhile we'll just let the ball do all the tawk'ins.
Tracc and Jack will smack the Cats around the packs.
Take it to the Max, centre, forward or backs, Gawn is giving them stax
And Clarry's ridiculous parry even delighted Prince Harry.
JVR leaps like a demented Roo escaped from the zoo.
Fritter's outrageous dribble kick is really a ripper.
Kozzie will o' the wisp kicks true thru the sticks for another six.
Mr Ed it is said on a another thread is at his best without the rest.
Disco's red and blue brisk is ever so slightly risque.
Harry Petty's marking mettle allows momentum and forward carry .
If it's more about loyalty rather royalty, Caleb's already a celebrity.
Rivers dismissive shimmy will gives them the shivers.
Listen hear Bud we'll back in Judd and the boys
and beat the rest of the crud from the Kardinia Park mud.
The g train
May 06, 2024
St Peter:
For lost adults or lost souls?
Tarax Club:
Good to see some poetry back in the comments section. It’s been too long.
Andrew Worssam
May 06, 2024
Did you initially write "They avoided between the two big sticks like Leonardo DiCaprio avoids women over 25." But your lawyer thought better of it? Oh, hang on...
PENGUIN
May 06, 2024
Brilliant work. So much good stuff. I'm new here but I ain't leaving if you keep up this quality stuff. Thank you!
Stevo
May 07, 2024
Beveridge is the worst ever 'premiership' coach......and he didn't even earn that one. It was gifted to him and his team of pretenders. 2016.....tainted flag.
Arthur
May 07, 2024
COREY LADBROOK MAY 06, 2024
"Well, it wasn’t impossible, as he did it, but impossible to all of us watching, except for Eddie Betts." . . . . Stephen Milne would like a word . . . .
…I think Peter Daicos also, except he probably didn’t see Fritsch‘s goal, judging by his reactions to his son’s match winning goal, most likely still sleeping it off after imbibing the numerous freebies in the corporate box the night before!
Arthur
May 07, 2024
GREG ED MAY 06, 2024
Get a shingles vacc asap old fella!
…is this Dr Greg pushing the poisons? As a matter of interest, what are the ingredients of the “shingles vacc?”
Rodriguez
May 07, 2024
My big take-out from this weekend of football is the dramatic & unexplained improvement .... in Titus' grammar & spelling. Who'd have thought three year ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Château de Chasselas ... and seeing an Oxford comma from the Literary Laggard - "... if you were new to the game, and didn’t know North Melbourne are a (maybe an "an" here) historically bad team, you could have been tricked into thinking the Saints were a good side."
Big Bad Bustling Buddy Bob
May 07, 2024
If the banners are anything to go by, GWS deserved to lose…
Norm the dog
May 07, 2024
With Sam Draper in the bloody ruck,
And just a bit of bloody luck,
We needn't give a bloody **ck,
We'll win, it's bloody Essendon !
Leah Aanensen
May 08, 2024
As to getting the shingles vaccine, that's $500 plus, non refundable, to those of us under 70. Its not a fun thing to have, for sure. Rest up Titus.
Fifth umpire
May 08, 2024
@Advahntage: see @Rodriguez, the Literary Laggard would not commit a tautology like
‘tarnished unfavourably’
Mac Hawk
May 08, 2024
I am laughing....you know what the doctor probably gave you for shingles?
That's right, Ivermectin !!
Turned out it was also the most effective and least harmful treatment for covid.
After all your snide comments during covid this is hilarious.
Hewie
May 09, 2024
Oh dear Mac Hawk, this site is supposed to be light hearted, somewhat like that thing beating in your chest. I suggest you go have a good lie down and dream up another conspiracy theory to keep your resentment thriving. Good on ya champ!
keith Martine
May 11, 2024
Dear Titus,
After this:
"The chaos it caused can be seen in Logan Morris’ day.
He played in the VFL side where he ran 13km before heading to Macca’s where he got a barbecue angus meal, six nuggets and a frappé.
Turning up to the Gabba, where he wasn’t expecting to play, he then ate a spicy tomato, bacon and chorizo soup."
Will there be mass resignations of club nutritionists?
Wondering,
Albury!
PaulD
May 16, 2024
Funny how many adults I know have got shingles over the last few years, after rarely hearing about it for decades.
Bit like myocarditis, pericarditis, bells palsey and 'died suddenly and unexpectedly'. Matthew Lloyd contracted bells palsey. So did his mother in law and one of his ex team mates, all within a 12 month period. There were 2 ministers (one oz, one candadian that were spruiking the shots on tv with drooping faces. Must be coincidence - you would have to be a filthy anti-vaxxer to suggest otherwise.
Hopefully its not karma biting you in the arse with all your uniformed, bs comments about Liam Jones. How is he even alive with all the multi jabbed coofid super spreaders around him, transmitting the virus to each other multi times lol?
Anyway dont forget to keep up to date with your boosters mate, or IT COULD BE WORSE (just not the AZ one, its been taken off the market - bit too much blood clotting - guessing you probably didnt know that if Channel 'vaxx up Australia' Nine didnt tell you though).