Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You've come to the right place.

Thursday

Sydney (86) v Melbourne (64)

Melbourne had done everything right.

An ongoing legal stoush at the board level, a star player with behaviour issues, another player with an alleged positive drug test and accusations of trafficking or attempted trafficking of cocaine and a player retiring on the eve of the season for medical reasons.

These are the rock-solid pillars a successful season is built on, and yet somehow, astoundingly, the Demons still lost.

In doing so, the Demons became the first team to lose a game for premiership points before Round One even started.

It’s an exciting time at Demonland.

In some good news, the Demon’s forward line woes seemed fixed after struggling for a couple of seasons.

All that preseason effort working on not bombing it in paid off and Melbourne fans can look forward to the season knowing they have nothing to worry about.

In further good news, despite being unable to play this week, Josh Schache and Jacob van Rooyen should be available next week.

So under control are things at Melbourne, that they traded away Brodie Grundy for nothing, and are secure enough in themselves to have him then beat them.

Grundy even got stung by a jellyfish that morning and still played better than most of Melbourne.

Not that the Swans were perfect, the ball was as slippery as former Maryland State Senator Clay Davis, and they had their fair share of fumbles.

A better team may have caused them problems, but they weren’t playing a better team. 

If you want to ensure you get my columns every week, the best way is to sign up for the email.

Friday

Brisbane (85) v Carlton (86)

This is my tenth season of doing the Knee Jerk Reaction, and in that time, Carlton have not exactly set the world on fire.  

In that entire time, their only highlight, was when their hovercraft sank on the Yarra.

A five-goal lead at quarter time to Brisbane had me thinking the same old Carlton had returned and a 46-point lead in the second quarter only seemed to confirm this.

And then a miracle happened. Not a good miracle because it involved Carlton winning, but the Blues mounted an astounding comeback.

Even Harry McKay kicked a goal from a set shot to win the match, adding to the rather strange feeling this game produced.

The order of people being shocked by this comeback: 

1.    Carlton Fans

2.    Lions Fans

3.    Carlton Players

To be fair, the Lions played a role in this, you don’t give up a 46-point lead and not have a few questions for yourself.

It seemed like the Lions tired themselves out after an intense effort in the first quarter.

We’ve all been there, going too hard, too early.

The Lions were the mate telling you to ‘drink faster’ and pointing out you ‘are double parked’, only to require you to carry them out of the club a few hours later.

It’s a worrying sign for the Lions, after all, it was Plato who once said, ‘never give up a 46-point lead to Carlton in Round Zero.’

Saturday

Gold Coast (99) v Richmond (60)

2024 Premiership favourites the Gold Coast Suns cruised to a win against the Tigers, after Richmond decided to score just two goals in the first half.

I always think you should aim for higher than one goal a quarter. Advance stats support this. Actually, basic stats support it too.

The Tigers didn’t seem to like playing against Matt Rowell, who not only seemed to bring his own ball, but took theirs too.

He had 20 clearances, as the Richmond players acted more like ushers than opponents when he was around.

Add to that a firing Ben King up forward, and you get the sense that Damien Hardwick can’t believe he gets to start at a new team with all these weapons at his disposal.

Not since Hulk Hogan joined the NWO has there been such a powerful re-alignment.

New Tigers coach Adem Yze must have wondered why he left Melbourne, he could have stayed there to watch a misfiring forward line, but at least he has Tom Lynch returning in the future.

The Tigers did show some signs of life with a comeback in the second half, meaning they only lost by 39 points.

Wait, that’s still quite bad.

Greater Western Sydney (114) v Collingwood (82)

If there’s one thing launching the season in the Northern States has going for it, it’s this Collingwood loss.

The other thing is that it has completely vanquished the NRL and anyone who was a League fan on Thursday morning now hates it and only loves AFL.

In fact, sales of Andrew Dillon posters have skyrocketed in Queensland and NSW, as primary school kids swear allegiance every morning and before they go to bed at night.

Collingwood got off to a good start when Mason Cox decided to run through the Giants warmup before the game.

Amazingly, Shane Mumford was part of the group of Giants, and Cox is still alive, mainly because Mumford doesn’t play anymore.

Cox received such a death stare from Mumford that he made it up to him by avoiding the ball throughout the game.

He was not alone among the Pies, who seemed a little overwhelmed at the ferocity the Giants bought in the midfield.

Obviously, I’m not one to overact after one round, when most teams haven’t even played, but Collingwood are obviously going to win the wooden spoon, and the Giants are premiership favourites.

Three new shows have been added for my live show 'Sport: The Unauthorised History', after the first five sold out. Get tickets here

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus