Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You've come to the right place.
Thursday
Port Adelaide (54) v Geelong (138)
People have been sleeping on Geelong, while Port Adelaide was just sleeping.
Power fans entered this game fearful their team would once again fail under the white heat of finals.
There’s almost nothing worse for a footy fan than to be proven right. That’s because we never predict positive things for our own teams.
Port fell apart like a poorly wrapped burrito, as the Cats proved once again they are boringly competent.
I’ve long campaigned for competency to be made illegal in the AFL, it makes so many clubs look bad.
Ken Hinkley will be feeling the pressure this week, as Port fans, already on a hair trigger to call for his sacking, will be sharpening the pitchforks.
Perhaps the most concerning part was when the Cats booted 11 goals to one in the second half.
Even worse, Jeremy Cameron decided to psychologically destroy Port Adelaide in what could be one of the worst cases of workplace bullying I’ve witnessed.
If Port lose to Hawthorn next week, the military might need to be on standby to extract Ken Hinkley.
Friday
Western Bulldogs (62) v Hawthorn (99)
Last year, we had Collingwood storming through the competition and people in the media were telling us we had to like them.
This year it's Hawthorn.
Let me reassure you, it’s ok not to like them.
Sure, they’re exciting, they’ve got attitude and they win.
But these are the reasons not to like them.
They are Hawthorn. Only Hawthorn fans should like Hawthorn.
Liking other teams is for children.
Plus, how can you like a team that has Jack Ginnivan, a fully grown man who insists on leaving his house occasionally?
It’s outrageous behaviour. Why isn’t he locked in a cage before a final? He should then be wheeled into the ground Hannibal Lecter-style.
It was always going to be a tough ask for the Bulldogs with Marcus Bontempelli not playing.
Well, technically he did play, but only had four touches in the second and third terms.
Beveridge said he wasn’t injured, but that seems highly fanciful. It was a disappointing end for the Dogs season.
They seemed to have been peaking at the right time, but no one is peaking more than the Hawks.
Saturday
Sydney (88) v Greater Western Sydney (82)
This is one of the best games I’ve seen. Ever.
I haven’t felt such a range of emotions since watching Finding Nemo.
The Giants were spectacular early, hassling the Swans like a child demanding to watch the iPad. They were relentless.
Greater Western Sydney had come to play, and the Swans, always slow starters, seemed to have trouble getting anything to work.
Then Issac Heeney started to work miracles.
There were goals and there was that mark.
Heeney hung in the air for so long that those astronauts stuck in the space station started to worry about him.
Aside from the assist, Heeney also has Giants defender Jake Buckley to thank for stopping him from killing himself on the way down.
Not since Tom Hanks in Apollo 13 has someone been so calm during re-entry.
It contrasted with the niggle in the game.
No one was more surprised than me when Tom Papley and Toby Greene were in the thick of it early. Normally they’d be the guys calling for calm.
As the game got tight, we got some of the most entertaining football in years. The Swans kept coming but the Giants would hit back, only for the Swans to come again.
It all came down to the dying minutes, when Joel Amartey, who had gone unsighted all game, kicked the winning goal.
As the stadium exploded on the final siren, it proved again that footy is the best.
Brisbane (99) v Carlton (71)
Unfortunately, after that game, we had this game.
Brisbane pulled ahead early and had built up a narrow sixty-point lead in the second quarter.
With the score 60-0, I began to suspect Carlton might not win.
Carlton did get on the scoreboard but even five successive goals either side of halftime still had them trailing by 31.
That’s the problem with giving up a sixty-point lead.
Brisbane were forced to steady, you could tell they had started to cruise during the second quarter.
To be fair to Carlton, which I’m known for, they have been cruelly smashed by injuries at the worst time. You can say that’s footy, but there’s no doubt it effectively ended their season.
Some have argued selections could have been different, but I can’t see that would have changed things significantly.
Then you had Sam Docherty which made me feel positive about a Carlton player.
What a weird first week of finals.
NATIONAL TOUR ANNOUNCEMENT!
I’m taking my show Sport: The Unauthorised History on tour.
Tickets are now on sale for the following shows.
Sat 16 Nov: The Leadbeater, Melbourne
https://theleadbeaterhotel.oztix.com.au/outlet/event/d7d3259b-2256-48b0-be2e-174d62dd917e
Wed 20 Nov: Rosemount, Perth
Wed 27 Nov: The Triffid, Brisbane
https://moshtix.com.au/v2/event/titus-o-reily-sport-the-unauthorised-history/171148
Fri 29 Nov: The Comedy Store, Sydney
https://aucentury.sales.ticketsearch.com/sales/salesevent/138570
Sat 30 Nov: Fun Time Pony, Canberra
https://comedyact.com.au/event/titus-oreily-sport-the-unauthorised-history/
Come along, it would be great to see you.
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus
COMMENTS
MrPrahran
Sep 09, 2024
The Swans/GWS game was everything we love about footy. Star players doing star playery things all through the game. Not a moment of respite and kept you on the very edge until the final moments. And even then, spent from the intensity, you had to question what you just watched. Did Isaac Heeney really take what is arguably the best mark ever? Did the Swans really chase down what should’ve been an unassailable lead in the dying moments? The crowd was the unsung extra player in the end, willing the Swans home. The PF should be just as good hopefully if it’s the Hawks/Swans, as expected. I’m already salivating at the prospect.
Mark
Sep 09, 2024
The Swans v Giants game had to be reviewed without lampooning. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing to ridicule. Footy, at its highest level, is the ultimate sport.
Glen
Sep 09, 2024
Half the Hawk team are brought to games by their parents in child capsules. Forget the Baby Bombers….these are the Highchair Hawks.
Doug
Sep 09, 2024
Jack Buckley's action in grabbing Isaac Heeney's arm as he descended was a great sporting moment - a one per center with real consequences. Had he not done so, that game may well have been remembered as the game where Isaac Heeney ended up in a wheelchair. Duty of care made manifest.
Re the rest of the finals, as a Magpie, it was great to see Carlton dispatched, and boy, did they miss Curnow. Only Geelong and Hawthorn to be despatched now and then I can start to take a philosophically neutral approach to the Grand Final.
Running Dog
Sep 09, 2024
The look on Heeney's face after retrieving a satellite - he was obviously over the moon. Perhaps he was as pleased as me that his heroics reduced the chances of a team in brown playing a team in orange. That's a colour combination that thankfully disappeared with the Holden Sandman, bell bottoms, and Air Supply.
There is one thing I like about Hawthorn fans, though... just can't think what it is right now.
Sheldon Wiebe
Sep 09, 2024
"No one was more surprised than me when Tom Papley and Toby Greene were in the thick of it early. Normally they’d be the guys calling for calm."
Possibly the funniest sentence you've written all season.
Edward
Sep 09, 2024
As I watched Carlton... play?... I was struck by the line uttered by Dr Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) to John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) in "Jurassic Park": "Now, eventually, you DO plan to have dinosaurs on your dinosaur tour, don't you?!" Substitute "play footy today" and "kick goals" for "have dinosaurs" and "dinosaur tour", and, well... There you have it!
Rosscoe
Sep 09, 2024
@Doug, I'm with you. Buckley should be recognised for a great act - even if it was a reflex action. There's so much focus on split second decisions that end up at the judiciary, let's celebrate one for all the right reasons. A small side note to a fabulous game!
The g train
Sep 09, 2024
Excellent summation of all finals, Titus. Agree with everything you wrote. Except:
“That’s because we never predict positive things for our own teams.” We StK fans are eternally optimistic and forever expecting a turnaround NEXT season. StK’s finish to this season was brilliant and surely Ross Lyon’s lads will be GF contenders next season. Surely.
Son of Plugger
Sep 09, 2024
Yeah—real good KJR this Monday, Titus.
“but no one is peaking more than the Hawks.” Truly, truly mind-bogglingly amazing after being 0-5—put $10 on them to be premiers at that time, just for a laugh. Gonna be rich. I love Hawthorn.
“it proved again that footy is the best”. Beyond doubt, Titus. But only cricket can change the world.
Jonathan
Sep 09, 2024
Thanks for being kind to Carlton Titus. You could have gone feral on the strategy of playing a fit/unfit TDK and holding him back until we were a lay 10 goals down. Laying off Kennedy instead of some of the less pedigreed players also an eye raiser. Nevertheless, our 2nd strategic objective of 2024 was achieved - keeping the Pies out of the 8 by percentage.
Agreed - how great is footy?!
saint peter
Sep 09, 2024
A very assessment of the played matches so far. Well here it is: All the remaining matches so far for next weekend.
Giants v Brisbane - Brisbane have a quality mid-field with Neale, McCluggage, Dunkley against a no-name mid-field. Plus they have Oscar who is dominating the ruck. We know how important the mid-field is in the finals and the rucks tepefy that. So its the Giants to win in a canter.
Port v Hawks - The Hawks have all the youth, enthusiasm, and great evasive skills. And with the forward line of Dear, Chol, and the soon to be retired Dixon all helping the Hawks. This will be either one of 3 ways. Hawks thrash Port or Hawks just win or as I am selecting Port to thrash the Hawks.
There you have it. It all makes sense.
Mosis Syndes
Sep 09, 2024
To be brutally honest, O'Reily I had exhausted all of your dietary tips, then the term burrito appears. Perfect. Ruffage at last!!
Woody
Sep 09, 2024
We eagerly await the MRP who are busily trying to determine the fearful nature of Buckley's tackle on Heeney when the Swan was descending from his attempt to orbit the planet while not wearing a parachute, let alone astronaut gear. When Heeney retires from football he may well join the next NASA exploration program.
Karen Richardson
Sep 09, 2024
Luv your weekly comments Titus.
YOU NEED TO TOUR THE GOLD COAST
Derek Fletcher
Sep 10, 2024
Am a bit confused , Titus , by your apparent suggestion Port Adelaide supporters have hair triggers on their pitchforks. And much as I want the Hawks to win this Frinight, I feel sorry for Hinkley . It's not his fault if the players refuse to participate in the match.
TAKING ELSTERNWICK BY STORM
Sep 11, 2024
The Hawks started badly this season
And the pundits had every reason
To sit back and scoff
And write Hawthorn off.
But we now know the Hawks were just teasin'.
https://Lvivforum.Pp.ua/
Sep 18, 2024
Write more, thats aall I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point.
You definitely know what youre talking about, whhy waste your intelligence on just posting videos to your site whsn you could be givijng us something
informative to read? https://Lvivforum.Pp.ua/