Every now and then when the emails pile up, I open a bottle of Scotch, light the fire pit and respond to some of the sporting questions I‘ve been sent.

Are the questions, particularly clever or interesting? Usually a lot more than the answers.

Most Biased Journalist

Is Robbo or Stevo the most biased journo? - Andrew

All journalists are biased. Trying to work out which one is the most biased would take scientific instruments beyond humanity’s grasp.

Basically, footy journalists are just bloggers who managed to get a job and therefore get access to the players and coaches.

Apart from the fact they’re all alcoholics with personality disorders, you couldn’t find a nicer group of people.

For unbiased coverage of any topic, but especially sport and politics, you need to turn to social media.

There, you’ll find balanced, carefully considered, insightful arguments. You’ll also find an audience that is keen to understand different points of view and challenge their own thinking.

Collingwood Coaching transition

Did you approve of the way Collingwood and Eddie handled the Buckley/Malthouse situation? - Dazza

I would argue that no one is a bigger fan of this transition than me. OK, maybe Eddie.

If you cast your minds back to before the transition, Colllingwood were a top eight team and even won a Premiership. Carlton, while a few steps behind, was building towards the top eight.

Now, both sides missed the eight and look a bit lost. How could you not approve of the outcome?

Richmond Romance

I'm in a long term relationship with a fantastic lady. The only negative is she's a Richmond supporter. Any tips on how to survive the next week, win or lose? – Stej

Avoid eye contact is the first thing that comes to mind.

Dating a Richmond supporter means you’ve obviously got a taste for dangerous living and/or a death wish.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Tigers fans, but like an actual Tiger, I don’t want to get too close to them and I definitely don’t want one in my house.

My main suggestion is to surround yourself with other people for the next week. This should do several things such as:

• Dilute the ‘Richmondness’ in the house;
• Provide other targets for anger or extreme celebrating;
• Give you a chance to talk about things other than Dustin Martin; and
• Ensure there are plenty of witnesses if anything happens to you.

Good luck and be careful.

Cricket Commentary

Do you think Channel 9 should have found a less qualified woman for their commentary team so as not to highlight their own shortcomings? – Elizabeth

I do. The bar to jump to be in the Channel Nine Commentary team these days, is so low it’s located several kilometres underground.

I’ve got no idea if Meg Lanning will be any good, but I’m positive there would be millions of women around the world who could run rings around the current lot.

Personally, as a man, I’m against this sort of tokenism. That’s because the men who these women replace are there because they are men and have the right mates.

We start replacing incompetent men with competent women and where do I end up? On the street, that’s where.

What I’d really like to see is a world where incompetent men and women both have the same chance to rise above competent people. That’s true equality.

Goal Umpire Uniforms

What happened to the goal umpires white hat on white coat look and Charlie Chaplin theatrics? Really got the US fans in. – Robert

Two of the worst trends going around caused the death of this wonderful tradition. The first was ‘modernisation’ and the second was ‘Occupational Health and Safety (OH&S).’

Modernising things is an absolute curse. Take me back to the days when league footballers had a smoke in the quarter time huddle and a case of tuberculosis was something you just accepted and never complained about.

Life sure was better back then, without all this modern medicine and indoor plumbing nonsense.

The push to ‘modernise’ the goal umpires uniforms was driven by OH&S, an invention of Satan and the unions.

OH&S is anti-science because it attempts to reverse Darwin’s natural selection. It also ruins traditions when it’s not needed.

Were goal umpires dropping like flies before they wore awful fluro uniforms? No. They wore handlebar moustaches that said ‘don’t mess with me.’

Relegation

As a Melbourne supporter, I assume you wouldn't be in favour of Relegation. If so, in what Division would the Demons be in now? – SwearingAus

I’ve actually thought about this before, usually in the dead of night, staring out a window, with The Smiths playing in the background.

You are correct that as a Demons supporter, I’m dead against relegation.

Where would we be now? We’d be in the kids league where they don’t let you keep score.

The only reason we wouldn’t have fallen any further, is because they don’t let you keep score.

When will Melbourne, St Kilda and the Western Bulldogs be relegated to the VFL? As a Port Melbourne supporter, I've been waiting a long time. - Jack

You’ll be waiting a long time Jack.

Remember, the AFL is not a meritocracy. It’s a communist organisation pure and simple. A closed party, which looks after only those in it.

Sure, it appears to be a competition, but even that is being addressed by the AFL’s version of ‘The Great Leap Forward,’ equalisation.

Once you’re in, it doesn’t matter how bad you are. Except for University, but what they did was so bad I still can’t legally say what it was.

Traveling to Adelaide

I'm heading to Adelaide tomorrow for the Tigers game against the Pies. How much duty free alcohol can I take? - Richard

I’ve looked into this Richard and actually discovered there is no limit. It’s a crazy loophole that goes all the way back to Federation.

There are strict limits on the amount of verjuice you're allowed to take though.

That’s good news for you. Not because you’ll get to drink all that alcohol, but because you’ll need to bribe all the officials to get across the border.

While I have no evidence or knowledge of this, I’m pretty sure South Australia is the most corrupt state in Australia. Just look at all that ICAC stuff that’s currently going on there!

All Australian Team

Can you please explain the difference between the All Australian Team and Team Australia? – Abigail

Both are marketing concepts designed to fill newspapers and keep you away from what’s really happening.

In terms of the Abbott government, it’s to stop you from noticing that they want to invade New Zealand to get some of that sweet, sweet ‘Lord of the Rings’ revenue.

For the AFL, it’s to distract you from the fact Essendon are currently embroiled in a supplements scandal.

It works too, bet you didn’t know about Essendon.

Paul Roos

Has coaching Melbourne done anything to diminish Paul Roos' status as the Sydney's number 1 supporter, or is it still the status quo? - Malcolm

If anything, it’s increased it. Never has Paul wished he were back in Sydney than he does right now.

Roosy, as he asks me to stop calling him, spends his evenings reviewing old Swans games rather than putting himself through the pain of watching Melbourne tapes.

A few Melbourne players have told me they find it frustrating that Roos will often check the score in the Sydney game during the three quarter time huddle.