Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spreadsheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Sydney (88) v Western Bulldogs (42)

Another round, another week of reality driving a truck through our footy tips. Either we all know nothing about footy, or it’s the football that is wrong. Yes, it is the footy that is wrong.

It all started going south in this game, when the alleged premiers missed their flight to Sydney, resulting in the Swans picking up a victory that keeps their slim finals hopes alive.

Things looked bad early on for the Bulldogs when Travis Cloke was announced on the team sheet. A few weeks ago, people predicted Cloke had played his last AFL game, and he didn’t prove them wrong in this one.

The Bulldogs looked like a teenager at 60^th Birthday party, sullen, disinterested and spending a lot of time staring at their shoes. It was very unlike them.

Sydney played how we think Sydney should play, in that they were a cohesive unit that looked like they have played football before.

Swans fans would have watched on with a mixture of delight and ‘where has this been all year?”

Adelaide (111) v St Kilda (54)

Doesn’t St Kilda know you just need to tag Rory Sloane to beat the Crows? It's that easy! I’ve heard many a footy expert say so.

It turns out it’s not that simple. Weird, it’s almost like footy is a complex game that can’t be summed up in single sentences.

Alan Richardson said after the game that his side ‘had way too many passengers.’ He’s not wrong there, too many passengers and no one driving either. In fact, ‘passengers’ may have been too much praise, passengers may just sit there, but they at least have to show up.

The drop off from St Kilda is a surprise this year. I had them pegged as a side that at least gave it their all, even if they did lack a bit of polish. Instead, this looked like a group of people that didn’t want to be in Adelaide, which while understandable, is not OK when it’s their job.

Adelaide were never really challenged; their backline made St Kilda’s forward line less productive than a group of uni students on the day a new FIFA came out.

Crows fans should be happy overall with their team’s performance ahead of the bye. They sit top of the ladder and while there have been a few hiccups, who hasn’t had them this year?

I’m sure Crows fans are keeping things in perspective. They’re good like that.

Hawthorn (79) v Gold Coast (95)

Live your life like you're Gary Ablett playing the Hawks. He averages 38 disposals against them since 2010.

There’s nothing in life I’ve had as much success in as Ablett has against Hawthorn. Perhaps shame eating, I’ve dominated a few pizzas and tubs of ice cream in my time.

Ablett had 37 disposals, ten tackles and two goals in another bit of evidence that he is past it and should retire. Doesn’t he have one shoulder? He shouldn’t be doing this stuff. We are watching greatness on a weekly basis.

The Suns dominated Hawthorn for the second time this season, and only a late Hawks fight back made this look slightly respectable.

Luke Hodge was a late out, giving Hawks fans an insight into what next season will be like, and it wasn’t pretty.

Hawks fans were so sad after the game they couldn’t even decide which Grand Final replay to watch to cheer them up. There is a lot of choices. How I envy them. Imagine being able to watch your team’s latest premiership in colour!

Luckily, few Hawthorn ‘fans’ saw this performance, as only 27,392 people turned up.

Brisbane (121) v Fremantle (64)

The Lions won twice last week, re-signing Josh Schache and winning a match of football. If they aren’t careful, they’ll end up with a winning culture.

This wasn’t the most shocking result of the round but still surprising given Brisbane have been a distant stranger to winning.

Not only did the Lions get the upset win, but they also did it with ease. The Lions have a player by the name of ‘Dayne Zorko’, and he’s so good he should play for a Victorian side.

His 14 possessions in the first quarter made the Dockers trip across the country a waste of time.

The Dockers certainly didn’t look like the side higher up on the ladder. They played with the intensity of Starbucks coffee.

Fremantle’s midfield looked more like spectators than active participants in the game and Docker’s fans must be wondering where Nat Fyfe has gone and who’s this guy they replaced him with?

The result ended the best day for Queensland footy in a long time. If this continues, people in the Sunshine State may become aware the AFL has teams there.

Essendon (131) v Port Adelaide (61)

Forty-eight points in a first quarter seems excessive, and Power fans watched on in shock on Saturday night as their players stood like fans at the rally cars, lining the way to goal as the Bombers sped past.

After the opening quarter, it was all over, as the Bombers made Port’s good start to the season look like a distant memory.

Cale Hooker, who I have not criticised due to sheer luck, was a revelation up forward, booting five in the first half.

The Bombers midfield was the real star of the game, creating more chaos than the Trump presidency.

Perhaps most impressive for Essendon fans was the fact their team remembered there are four quarters in a game and decided to have a crack at all of them.

The only negative was the booing of Paddy Ryder by Essendon fans, given they got so upset when Jobe Watson was booed by Eagles fans.

I know it wasn’t all Bombers supporters. There are decent Essendon supporters out there and hello to Neil and Cheryl if you’re reading this.

Port’s performance was a disgrace, and I know where the blame lies, David Koch. My formula for Port is that anything good that happens is due to Ken Hinkley and anything bad is David Koch’s fault. Is it accurate? Probably.

Carlton (71) v Greater Western Sydney (70)

I tipped this Blues’ victory.*

Sunday proved Liam Jones has just been played out of position for his entire career.

As a defender, he led up and took more marks than he ever did as a forward. In fact, it looked like the Giants thought he was their forward, the way they kept pinpointing him all game. In some ways, he’s always been good at preventing goals; he’s just doing it for the right team now.

It makes you wonder who else is being played out of position? The entire Giants side if this performance is anything to go by.

This was like losing an intra-club match, something Carlton in recent years have been known to do. Under Bolton though, the Blues are certainly on the right track, playing as a cohesive unit, with the novel approach of having a game plan that suits their personnel.

The Giants did not give this impression; they seemed perplexed that the Blues just wouldn’t let them win based on them being premiership favourites.

As the day went on, they looked more and more frustrated, like an Apple user trying to figure out Windows.

Toby Greene provided the feel-good story of the day, going 0.5 in front of goal.

*I did not. In fact, I’m still not confident it happened.

Melbourne (104) v Collingwood (100)

The Queen’s Birthday ‘blockbuster’ has been about as relevant as Blockbuster Video in recent years, but the Freeze MND event has lifted the day up, and this year we got a great game to go with it.

Well, not such a great game if you’re a Pies supporter, who were furious at the umpiring after the game. So much so that a few wrote to me asking how much I paid the umpires.

What would depress the Pies fans is how little I had to pay. Umpires don’t earn that much.

I did think the Pies got some bad calls, especially in the second half but they also showed they didn’t need the umpires’ help in allowing a 28-point lead be eroded and finally overcome.

What all fans can agree on is this was stressful. Both sides seemed to find creative ways to turn over the ball, and as my eye started twitching and the vein in my neck bulged, I wondered ‘Is this how I go out? A sad, bitter man whose live his life vicariously through others.’

It wasn’t to be, but we all know it will happen one day.

All Melbourne supporters were just thankful that St Kilda passed on Christian Petracca. While it means they’ve missed out on Paddy McCartin helping out at Casey, Petracca was the difference in this game, standing up in the second quarter when the Pies were running roughshod over the Demons’ midfield.

As the match tightened, it would be Petracca who continued to give the Pies headaches up forward.

Not that Collingwood players weren’t giving it their all. Lynden Dunn was incredibly brave going back with the flight of the ball at one point and getting crunched. Jeremey Howe also got so high on one mark that air traffic control had to guide him down. He should land later today.

The crucial moment was when Jack Watts loped forward in an impressive bit of running, gathered the ball and slotted the winning goal.

It was sweet for Watts, as life so rarely gives you a chance for redemption in such a clear way. Gone was the skinny boy of eight years ago, replaced with a skilful AFL player.

I suppose this week, Liam Jones and Jack Watts showed us that perseverance is what matters in this life, which is a shame because it sounds like a lot of hard work.

Bye: North Melbourne, West Coast, Richmond, Geelong

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