Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spreadsheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want an irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Geelong (104) v Western Bulldogs (81)

The weekend got off to a bad start when I decided to have a shot every time the Channel Seven commentary team mentioned Geelong has a new stand.

I ended up consuming four bottles of whiskey, double my regular Friday night ration.

While the constant talk of the new stand was annoying, it wasn’t as annoying as the commentators complimenting each other on their commentating.

I guess the Channel Seven commentary box is the only place someone has ever said: “great call BT.” Even then, it’s by someone who is under contract to say that.

Geelong had apparently been saving up their tackles over the past few weeks for this game, as they laid 134 of them. It was like a partner who’s phoned in a few birthdays, so massively overcompensates on one.

The Cats players need to realise this is not a one off but the required regular effort.

They can’t do what some people do around the house, which is wash the dishes once, tell everyone about it and then coast for the next month.

The Bulldogs, on the other hand, are perfecting the ‘almost win’. Bulldogs fans have every right to be angry. I mean what has this team done for them lately?

St Kilda (68) v Sydney (118)

My tips are terrible this year, proving that I must know an awful lot about football.

Further proof of this, is that my nemesis, Janice in Accounts Receivables, is ahead of me and she thinks Dangerwood is where Ivan Milat committed his crimes.

St Kilda were meant to have arrived this season, but they didn’t even arrive on Saturday. They were so poor; I thought they were doing an impression of the West Coast Eagles.

The Saints seemed to be only interested in turning the ball over, targeting Swans players with a pinpoint accuracy that would have been impressive if they’d done it to teammates.

Sydney now seems like 2016 Sydney. They’ve remembered how to tackle, kick and score. Amazing what a few returning players will do for a side.

It’s such a weird season that the 3-6 Swans seem well placed to make the finals, especially as the teams above them keep inventing ways to lose.

Greater Western Sydney (78) v Richmond (75)

Richmond need to start funding counselling sessions for their fans. It would send them bankrupt, but you can’t do this to people without some form of compensation.

I hope all employers let Richmond supporters drink alcohol openly at work this week. It’s the right thing to do. They don’t even need a glass, just straight from the bottle.

Many people watched this game thinking ‘certainly Richmond couldn’t do this two weeks in a row’, but real Tigers fans knew that not only they could, but they would.

GWS were down by 25 points at three-quarter time, ideally placed really, and stormed home with 33 points to Richmond’s five in the last term.

Giants coach Leon Cameron said after the game that Richmond were the better side in the night, which only the Tigers could be and still lose.

The weirdest thing is, Richmond are the top Melbourne based side in the competition, sitting seventh and falling. No wonder the AFL are talking about a ‘wildcard weekend’.

Brisbane (60) v Adelaide (140)

Adelaide’s Hugh Greenwood used to play basketball. Don’t worry about remembering that fact; you’ll hear it a thousand times in the next year.

He did make a good debut though, although people forget to mention it was against the Lions, probably the only team with no chance of being Premiers in this crazy season.

With no real pressure, the Crows looked like the Crows of the early rounds again, exciting, high scoring and with Eddie Betts doing things that aren’t allowed under the laws of physics.

Brisbane looked terrible. They can pull together about ten minutes of competitive footy a game at this point. Losses like this don’t exactly help their quest to retain good players either.

There’s an easy fix for the Lions though, just merge them with the Suns. A merger worked for them in the past. In fact, just keep bolting teams onto them, like some sort of footy Voltron.

Give a team to Tasmania too, just because putting an AFL team where someone wants one would be a novelty these days.

Collingwood (90) v Hawthorn (72)

A Hawthorn loss usually feels like all the happiness in the universe crammed into one incredible moment. This one, however, was offset by a Collingwood win, which is all the bad feelings in the universe occurring all at once.

As a result, I felt nothing at the end of this, although that could be because I had just consumed several ‘illusion shakers’ due to their ingredients being the only thing I had left in the house, the remnants of a party held in the 90s.

A Collingwood loss seemed a sure thing early on, with the Hawks getting out to a 43-point lead early on.

Buckley though gathered the players together and pointed out that if he got sacked, so would a lot of the team.

That was enough to motivate the team and coupled with the fact Hawthorn are pretty ordinary, led to an impressive comeback.

It was classic Buckley, let the pressure build with a few losses, then pull off a win to keep things from getting so bad the Board are forced to do something about it.

He may not be a good coach, but he dodges bullets better than Neo.

Hawthorn’s issues run deep, and not just the fact that all their possessions belong to one player. Luke Hodge was also obvious a meal short in his Lite n Easy delivery this week, getting fired up in the game after receiving some rough treatment.

It’s understandable he got upset. You don’t see Hodge running around taking cheap shots at people.

Essendon (125) v West Coast (64)

Under dynamic ticketing, the AFL should cover the cost of any Eagles fan that came over from Perth for this.

It’s often said the Eagles shouldn’t bother coming over for games in Melbourne and it appears that advice is now being followed.

West Coast fans have every right to be furious at this performance. There was no effort whatsoever, just turning the TV on at home meant most Eagles fans exerted more effort than their players did.

There is an excuse for the Eagles.

This was the first AFL game to feature a female field umpire, Eleni Glouftsis. That presents an opportunity for West Coast, as the tradition goes in footy, don’t blame yourself when you can blame a woman.

Obviously, a female umpire is bad luck. Just like having a woman on your boat can attract sea monsters.

I do want to congratulate the footy media for not saying anything sexist about Eleni Glouftsis’ debut.

Let’s be honest, the odds of us getting through her first game without a comment about her appearance or the fact having a female umpire was ‘political correctness gone mad’ were low.

Still, it’s early days, and you just know someone won’t be able to restrain themselves much longer.

Essendon looked like the greatest side ever, but it’s hard to judge when your opponents look more like a group of people waiting at a bus stop.

The Bombers do have a lot of great young talent though, and their fans should be getting excited.

Joe Daniher has even started kicking straight, something previously though impossible by science.

Melbourne (90) v North Melbourne (104)

In a season that’s all over the shop, it’s comforting that some things never change, like North Melbourne’s stranglehold over Melbourne.

There’s no shame in losing to North Melbourne 16 times in a row, it could happen to anyone, except for the fact it hasn’t.

It means the last time Melbourne beat North Melbourne was in 2006. The Prime Minister back then was John Howard. We’ve had about thirty Prime Ministers since then.

There are eleven-year-old Melbourne fans who have never seen Melbourne beat the Kangaroos. Imagine being an eleven-year-old Demon fan? They didn’t even get to experience the 90s when Melbourne were slightly less awful.

There were a lot of complaints about the umpiring from Demons supporters, but the Demons don’t need the umpires help to lose games, seeing participating in some quarters is believed to be optional for many players.

The stark reality of this season is that few sides can put together four quarters. It’s why almost anyone can beat anyone, from any position.

Consistency is a foreign shore upon which no team has yet set foot on in 2017.

North played this game very well, they just waited for Melbourne to do their aggressive push-up defence and then counter attacked over the top with some of the easiest goals you’ll ever see.

That’s Melbourne’s game plan this year, it sometimes works exceptionally well like it did against the Crows but when it doesn’t it’s awful, and Goodwin seems to have not yet developed a plan B.

North wasn't perfect but they made a lot fewer mistakes than the Dees, and they matched them for physicality all day.

Anyway, they say it’s the seventeenth time that’s the charm.

Fremantle (86) v Carlton (51)

Carlton started off well and tried all day, but a couple of injuries and the fact they’re Carlton held them back.

Fremantle were meant to do most of the heavily lifting for footy comedy this year but have decided not to play along. Luckily, about five other teams have rushed in to fill the gap.

The Dockers have instead started winning with alarming regularity. They aren’t having the huge, flashy wins of some teams but they haven’t been getting belted recently either.

It’s classic Ross Lyon, and with the way the competition is going, the Dockers’ ‘Lose the Grand Final’ window may be open sooner rather than later.

And to think, they’re doing this without Zac Dawson. Amazing.

Bye: Gold Coast, Port Adelaide

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