Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Richmond v Collingwood

Anyone who reads this column, knows I’m not one to overact but Richmond needs to sack everyone, even people volunteering at the club.

Work experience kids? You’re out too. I don’t care if you’ve got a week left.

It’s obvious Damien Hardwick’s decision to not tag Pendlebury is the worst tactical blunder since the Trojans took one look at the wooden horse the Greeks left behind and said ‘well it looks safe.’

Scott Pendlebury is the greatest footballer who ever lived, maybe even better.

His performance against the Tigers shows what an elite midfielder can do if no one goes anywhere near him all game.

Collingwood should also get points for defeating Carlton on the weekend too, through their retirement program.

Carlton v Melbourne

All hail Paul Roos! Melbourne fans are celebrating the great man the only way they know how, naming a private school after him.

Paul Roos Grammar, will be a special entry boys school for children who display amazing hair.

Who knew that giving a team a basic game plan and encouraging them, could get results? Not Mark Neeld.

As for Carlton, this decade is a wash. They need to start over. Maybe a new name or move to Canberra or Tasmania. Really shake things up.

I’m betting, the fact Mick told the Board that most of the players are terrible and he’ll need to turn them all over, hasn’t helped.

It must be so awkward at that club, you’d feel like you’re at the year ten social again and Alice Greenwald has just rejected you in front of everyone.

Damn you Alice! Damn you!

Port Adelaide v Brisbane Lions

You know who doesn’t do rebuilds? Ken Hinkley. That guy just gets things done.

He just came in and told all the players to be good. None of this ‘we’ve got a five year plan’ nonsense.

PowerPoint? That’s just when Ken Hinkley points at you and tells you to work harder.

Ollie Wines continues to live up to the hype of a player Melbourne didn’t draft with 28 possessions.

As for Brisbane, it was AFL soothsayer Matthew Lloyd who predicted they would be in a ‘world of pain’ at the start of the year and boy was he right.

Be fair guys, the fact everyone else knew this doesn’t make it any less impressive.

It’s only a matter of time until the Brisbane Lions are relocated back to Fitzroy.

Oh, what a happy day that will be for those hipsters.

Greater Western Sydney v Western Bulldogs

Played on the sandy dunes of StarTrack Oval in Canberra, this was a big loss for the Giants and a huge win for the Bulldogs.

Contrast this, the Giants have had every talented footballer in Australia sent to them in recent years and get a cost of living allowance, against the Bulldogs, so under promoted by the AFL they should be known as the Sunday afternoon specials.

The Bulldogs just wanted it more. They sent a clear message that the team from the bad part of Melbourne is better than the team from the bad part of Sydney.

Geelong v West Coast Eagles

Adam Simpson has had long enough and must go. This was a Bernard Tomic type performance.

The Eagles are apparently very unhappy with a schedule that doesn’t allow them to play Melbourne, Bulldogs or St Kilda every single week.

As for Geelong, they just quietly go about their now monotonous brilliance. It’s boring even to Geelong fans. They’ll tell you that’s not the case but then mention they haven’t been to a game in ages.

Joel Selwood took time out from footyifying Australia to show why he is the greatest footballer of all time. He can play in any conditions, being protected by the umpires or being slightly less protected by the umpires.

Gold Coast v Hawthorn

Poor Hawthorn. It’s obvious they are struggling without Buddy. Of course this weakness is covered up by the fact their playing some of the best football you’ll ever see.

We should really just appoint them Premiers now and then just focus on the marvellous tanking race we currently have going on at the other end of the ladder.

The Gold Coast adventure can now be ruled conclusively a failure. There is really only one thing for it, rort the system. The Suns need to spend over the cap with under the table payments.

Unfortunately, this sort of behaviour is just not in the DNA of Queenslanders.

Sydney v North Melbourne

Oh dear. Hello buyer’s remorse.

Who would have thought that giving someone a $10 million, nine-year contract could go wrong?

The Swans looked like a team that gave all their money to one player while also convincing other players to take reduced contracts. You know that look.

As for North Melbourne, they’re back! Sort of.

The good people of Ballarat would have been very heartened to see their future team walk away with the four points.

I for one have always believed in them and have never repeatedly made fun of Brad Scott and his team (this may not be technically accurate.).

St Kilda v Adelaide

Adelaide vowed to draw a ‘line in the sand’ and didn’t they just.

Of course, it’s easy to do a little bit of line drawing when the other team isn’t trying to belt you at the same time.

St Kilda have obviously refused to get behind Alan Richardson, such was their love for Scott Watters.

The Saints were so bad it looked like there off field form had come on field.

Fremantle v Essendon

It’s hard to expect much from an inexperienced, untested interim coach.

The Bombers however had a lot of players out and are probably unused to playing without a new scandal breaking during the week.

Changes to routines can affect players.

As for Fremantle, they are back. All the doubters like me, can get back in their box.

Ross Lyon is a super star coach and again, he’s shown he has the ability to beat any team except Hawthorn.