Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.
On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.
What you really want is idiotic hysteria.
You’ve come to the right place.
Adelaide (91) v Geelong (70)
We always knew that Geelong’s ‘Uni student approach’ to football (leave everything to the last minute) could cause them problems.
Sure, that approach works if you’re doing Arts or some other subject that leads to being borderline unemployable, but playing the Crows in Adelaide is one of those harder exams that involves something above basic maths.
Adelaide, on the other hand, came out angrier than a 71-year-old ex-footballer who’s been told he can’t wear a dress on national TV.
The Crows made the Cats look soft, especially during the first quarter, as they got the ball out of the centre so easily that it seemed the Cats were more there as decoration.
Brad Crouch suffered a fractured cheekbone in the third quarter and played out the rest of the game. These modern-day footballers are soft I tell you.
It makes me think if Adelaide are top of the ladder and just belted second, could they be favourites to win a premiership? I know it’s counterintuitive as they’re not from Victoria and aren’t in 7th place or below.
Essendon (132) v North Melbourne (105)
Essendon not being terrible is one of this season’s great disappointments. While other clubs spend years ‘rebuilding’ the Bombers have gone through self-inflicted hell but come out the other side stronger.
Not that there hasn’t been heartache for Bombers supporters, take for instance that they were actively barracking for Collingwood to win on Sunday, to ensure the Bombers got in the eight.
An Essendon fan I spoke to yesterday kept saying ‘unclean’ over and over while trying to rub off dirt tI couldn't see.
This win wasn’t easy, as this very young North side took it to Essendon early on and matched them goal for goal for a long time.
Eventually, the experience of Essendon showed and as North started to struggle, Brad Scott was captured giving Majak Daw an almighty spray on the phone.
While it seemed harsh, I’m told that’s just Brad Scott’s phone manner, he is after all the only Australian whose phone number was put on the ‘do not call register’ by the telemarketers themselves.
Scott said he was angry at some of Daw’s efforts and that Majak was ‘still learning the game’. Majak is 26 years old, so he should have almost learnt the game by the time he retires
Melbourne (88) v Port Adelaide (65)
Port have carried the pretenders' tag around them all year but have rarely worn it as proudly as they did in the first half of this game.
With a full-strength squad and against a team that had a handful of players returning from injury, this should have been at least competitive.
Instead, the Power’s effort, especially in the first half, was abysmal, with the umpires having more goals than them at one point.
In the second half, Port certainly improved and seemed to have the momentum, but they still made some decisions that made me question their sobriety.
Pleasingly for Melbourne, despite some of their returning players looking tired, they managed to arrest Port’s charge, something they have been incapable in the past.
It leaves Demons supporters in the odd position of starting to think about procuring finals tickets.
“Do we still line up for them at BASS?” was overheard more than once at the MCG on Saturday.
Western Bulldogs (110) v Gold Coast (56)
Given both Collingwood and Richmond won this week in some strange cosmic misalignment, Rodney Eade will have to carry the ‘who should be sacked’ talk for this week.
With hindsight, Eade was not a great fit for the Suns or coaching an AFL side for that matter. The problem for the Gold Coast board is it wasn’t a great fit with foresight either.
Obviously, it’s time for new leadership, and if one man knows how to run a team on the Gold Coast, it’s Clive Palmer. Let’s get him in there to sort this out.
Apart from it being against the Suns, Liam Picken’s six goals should a welcome return to form for the Dogs.
The Bulldogs simply had to win, and they did that but nothing more. It’s still hard to see this side make the finals and Dale Morris breaking his forearm was both a physical and psychological blow to the side.
The Doggies play Essendon next as the final push for the eight gets intense. It’s almost like we don’t need that 17-5 schedule and not just because it’s one of the silliest ideas ever.
Sydney (101) v St Kilda (59)
Sydney’s front loading all their losses for the year seems to be working out for them and is a much better approach than North Melbourne’s front loading all their wins in 2016.
The Swans are now winning with a relentless predictability and you know they’re travelling ridiculously well when Callum Sinclair boots five goals.
St Kilda, once seen as a pressure team, got a lesson in real pressure in this game, being squeezed around the ball to the point that the footy barely visited their forward fifty.
When the Sherrin did occasionally venture down there, the Saints forwards seemed to have forgotten what it was.
After the game, Alan Richardson said, “we won’t make eight unless we recapture out brand.”
Oh great. Now the Saints have a brand loose. Those things are notoriously hard to catch. I lost my brand once, and an entire marketing department died trying to catch it.
It was all good news for Sydney, no injuries and Kurt Tippett kicked five goals in the NEAFL on the weekend, meaning he has found his level.
If I’d have told you the Swans would be sitting sixth on the ladder by the end of round eighteen, all the way back in round six, you’d have said I was drunk. We both would have been right.
Fremantle (48) v Hawthorn (100)
Ross Lyon does coach an awful style of football, but at least it used to produce wins. Well, not Grand Finals wins but other wins.
Now his style manages to produce awful and losing football. If only his brand would get lost.
So angry did I get at the style of play, that I was glad Hawthorn were winning, something I’ve never felt before and a rather unpleasant sensation.
I do feel sorry for Dockers supporters, who like hostages are experiencing a form of torture that is both cruel and unusual.
Hawthorn certainly deserved to win. They took the game on and played the game with a sense of adventure, not a view of football as getting in your foxhole and hoping to limit the damage.
The Hawks also provided Freo with its best player, Bradley Hill, who after the game was very emotional, I imagine thinking ‘what have I done?’
He could be seen mouthing ‘get me out of here’ to several ex-teammates.
Richmond (64) v Greater Western Sydney (45)
Obviously, this result means the AFL’s GWS experiment has failed, and they need to be shut down immediately.
Even with their injuries, this was a performance so bereft of footy IQ that it makes you question the supposed talent of this side.
All season it’s appeared to me that the Giants only take what their opponents give them, nothing more and to Richmond’s credit, they gave them very little.
Injuries are certainly a factor for the Giants which makes Toby Greene’s action even more idiotic.
Punching Alex Rance was a silly move and worst of all, he hit Rance in the face, jeopardising his TV work, which I believe comes with an extra one-week penalty from the Match Review Panel.
Leon Cameron said he knows Toby Greene's heart is in the right spot but it's not his heart we're concerned about, it's his fists that often aren't in the right place.
In the AFL, why is punching someone the quickest way to get people to come out and say what a great bloke you are?
I know it’s controversial, but I think you can be a nice person without punching people.
I’ll even go a step further; regularly belting people suggests you’re not a great guy. I know this is controversial stuff.
Richmond did everything asked of them and in this crazy season that’s a rare thing.
Against a finals side, they were superior all day. It wasn’t the prettiest game, but the regular rain made this a grind in parts, and the Tigers didn’t give up at any stage.
They overcame a slow start and just played disciplined footy. This victory proves Richmond are probably the most confusing team in this most confusing season.
Surely one day we must see a Richmond team defy our collective doubt? One day a victory like this should be the beginning of something, not a set up for a harder fall.
Yes, I have been drinking.
Collingwood (93) v West Coast (85)
Sitting eighteen points up at three-quarter time and with Collingwood two men down should be not an impossible task.
The Eagles though made it look like one, with a performance so dispiriting that even the flood of angry callers to Perth talkback radio didn’t seem to have their heart in it.
Instead, this was a great win for Collingwood, with dog blamer Jordan De Goey being the difference in the second half.
Collingwood are an odd team in many ways, they often have the spirit but lack the ability. In this, they came up against a side that seemed to lack both.
West Coast can’t view this as anything less than a disaster. Collingwood not only lost Travis Varcoe and Darcy Moore, but they also didn't have Scott Pendlebury.
If you can’t win in this circumstance, you don’t deserve finals.
It wrapped up a great week for Collingwood, with this result, a win over Richmond in the VFL and a big victory over Craig Hutchinson.
Brisbane (112) v Carlton (82)
Don’t you hate it when you forget to tag Dayne Zorko? It’s right up there with leaving the iron on.
By the time Brendon Bolton remembered, the Lions were more than 50 points up and were making Carlton’s rebuild look decidedly ordinary.
The Blues did have a bit of a go in the third quarter, but it was a bit of a token effort, like when you’ve been slacking all shift, and you think the manager is on to you, so you quickly act all productive.
I must admit, I understood the Blues lack of interest in this one. Trying to stay awake for it involved more effort than the Carlton players showed.
Unfortunately for me, unlike Carlton, I won my battle and stayed awake for all of this.
Now I know what one of the people who is accidentally awake through an operation feels like.
I'm touring my new show 'Insufficient Intent' around the country. Come see me in the bye weekend before the finals. Brisbane date just added: All the details are available here.
You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. My aim is to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus