The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful.

What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Seventeen.

Thursday

Adelaide vs Geelong (AO) 7:50 PM

As the Melbourne media didn’t predict, Rory Sloane has decided to stay in Adelaide.

If they were wrong about this, could they be wrong about other things? My world is spinning.

Despite getting this wrong, that hasn’t stopped a lot of the same people giving their opinions on whether it’s a good deal or not.

One thing people are pointing out is the Sloane will be older when the deal finished.

Technically, everyone is older at the end of a contract. Unless of course, Stephen Trigg wrote the contract and then who knows? It could have a side deal that makes it work in a Benjamin Button way.

I’m personally happy for Crows fans, I don’t think they could have handled another person leaving them.

If someone else had dumped them they’d probably have end up like my mate Derrick, who rarely gets out of tracksuit pants these days and is keeps asking me if I’d like to hang out because he’s lonely, even though I always say I’m busy.

Now they face the Cats and I hate having to tip a game that involves Geelong. Give me Carlton every time, there’s a club you can rely on.

Dan Menzel returns for the Cats and Eddie Betts for the Crows. This is a must win game for the Crows, luckily that pre-season camp taught them that no matter how tough things get, they can get worse.

I’m tipping the Crows to win though in a surprise. Why? A complex algorithm that involved flipping a coin.

Friday

St Kilda vs Carlton (ES) 7:50 PM

This is the most Friday Night Football game of all time.

St Kilda announced they were slashing the price of tickets for this one, which makes sense and it’s nice to see ‘dynamic’ ticketing being used for good for once.

So far, dynamic ticketing has been about dynamically gouging fans. What a surprise!

Who couldn’t have seen that coming? Well, the AFL if you believe what they said when they announced it, but just quietly, I don’t think they were being completely honest there.

While the Saints are to be applauded for trying to encourage people to come along, I think the $13 general admission price might still be $100 too high.

No, I haven’t got my maths wrong, I just think they should pay people $87 if they show up, like rent-a-crowd.

Not that paying people to show up always works, I present you these two teams’ seasons as evidence.

St Kilda to win.

Saturday

Hawthorn vs Brisbane (UTS) 1:45 PM

A fitting game to have in Tasmania after Jeff Kennett launched a charm offensive on the state.

Being Jeff, his charm offensive was low on the charm and high on the offensive, telling Tasmanians to get behind the Hawks or they’ll leave.

Those ungrateful Tasmanians wanting their own team and handing over their taxpayer dollars to the Hawks. Spare me.

The Hawks are in Tasmania for one reason only, money. Just like the family club are in pokies to the tune of $23 million last year.

The Hawks aren’t committed to Tasmania, they wouldn’t be there if it resulted in the same financial outcomes as playing at home.

Tasmanians quite rightly want their own team to get behind, because it would be their own team.

You know who tells Tasmanians they shouldn’t have their own AFL team?

People who already have their own AFL team.

Tasmania’s history alone makes them a prime candidate for a team and if you’re going to bring the ‘financial stability’ argument or crowd turnout, remind me how Gold Coast and GWS are going again.

Brisbane actually beat Hawthorn the last time they played, hardly surprising given a lot of Hawthorn know how engineered the outcome for Brisbane.

The Lions are doing a lot well at the moment, but I think in Tasmania and with Hawthorn desperate to stay in touch with the eight, the Hawks will have them here.

Melbourne vs Western Bulldogs (MCG) 4:35 PM

The Bulldogs season got worse this week (yes it was possible) with Marcus Bontempelli having emergency surgery for severe appendicitis. It seems the appendix has taken a particular disliking to AFL players in recent years, taking out Rory Sloane and Eddie Betts last year.

While the AFL sits on its hands, complaining about congestion, the appendix is destroying football.

When will the AFL confront this vestigial organ? At least an appendicitis awareness round.

It’s tempting to say that without Bontempelli, the Demons are a sure thing, but I’ve been around you know? I’ve seen things.

The Demons on the MCG and as favourites terrifies me more than making small talk.

And to be clear, small talk terrifies me. All that pretend to be a nice person and caring about other people. Exhausting.

Melbourne are coming off a home game in Darwin too, so a loss here is hardly an impossible scenario to fathom. Always good to inject some extra travel into your schedule.

Still, I can’t bring myself to see the Bulldogs winning but I’m ready for it. The staff have just restocked the bar and my crying cupboard is ready to go.

Gold Coast vs Essendon(MS) 7:25 PM

Once again, the Bombers take on their traditional rivals, the AFL umpires.

The Gold Coast Suns will be out there too, but they are not the main problem.

John Worsfold pointed out this week his side has a minus 35 free kick count over their past three games.

Worsfold is going to meet with the head of the AFL’s umpiring department (I believe it’s a work experience kid) about it.

There are two clear reasons for the lopsided count:

1. The AFL sill hate Essendon
2. Actually, there’s just one reason

I’m not one to usually promote conspiracy theories but when it comes to Essendon fans I’ve learnt that if you can’t beat them join them.

Gillon is obviously upset about the looming court case and has ordered the umpires to make sure the Bombers don’t make the finals.

I mean, what other reason is there? That the Bombers have just been undisciplined, coupled with three games being a very small sample size? That sounds crazy.

The Gold Coast don’t need the umpires to lose games, they can do that all on their own thank you very much.

The only positive is that they sit 17^thon the ladder so will get a great draft pick and we all know they use those very well.

Essendon to win.

Greater Western Sydney vs Richmond (SS) 7:25 PM

Are Richmond sending a team to non-MCG games anymore? It’s seems they’d be better off not risking the injuries and just forfeiting.

The Tigers have been starting to get serious in the past few weeks, deciding it’s better to improve as the season goes along rather than peak at the start.

This unrelenting competency from the Richmond Football Club still freaks me out. It’s like if birds had started talking almost a year ago and you still found it odd when they said good morning to you as you went to work.

In fact, talking birds would have once been seen as more plausible than a Richmond team this well run and this good on the field.

The Giants are coming back from Perth and don’t have a forward line, not an ideal situation against the reigning premiers.

They’re all midfield the Giants, like a car with a great engine but no steering wheel.

I think the Tigers will win, even being on the road.

Sunday

Collingwood vs West Coast (MCG) 1:10 PM

This is second taking on third, which all of us would have predicted at the start of the season.

This is the clash of the walking wounded. Luckily for Collingwood, having everyone injured is just the norm, they don’t seem to notice it anymore.

They’ve won seven on the trot which makes no sense at all, but football doesn’t care if it makes sense. In fact, it delights in remind us all that we are massive idiots who know nothing about it.

West Coast haven’t beaten Collingwood on the MCG in 23 years. There’re people in university who have never seen it happen.

The Eagles are a chance to get Darling, Kennedy, LeCras and Barrass all back this week, making this a difficult one to tip.

Still, as much as I hate to say it, I think the Pies will win this.

North Melbourne vs Sydney (ES) 3:20 PM

North season has gone like this:

1. Prove everyone wrong
2. Have some in the media then ask the question ‘Can North win the Premiership?’
3. Instantly drop out of the eight

Yes, there’s nothing worse than having the Melbourne media get behind you, just ask the Demons.

Now the Kangaroos have to win this to stay in touch, and they face a Sydney side who were very disappointing last week.

The Swans let Geelong, one of the worst centre clearance teams in the league, walk it out of the centre square with a casual ease that was breathtaking.

Both sides have injuries to juggle, and this one is another coin flip, but I think the Swans can do it.

As I always say, no Jarrad Waite, no North. OK, I’ve never said that before.

Fremantle vs Port Adelaide (PS) 4:40 PM

In a top eight lacking consistency, suddenly the Power look incredibly reliable, and now they get to face off against a Dockers side lacking all their AFL players, with both Fyfe and Sandilands both still injured.

Fremantle are already looking to next year, announcing Michael Johnson and Danyle Pearce won’t be at the club next season. That’s a good morale boost for everyone ahead of the game.

I think the Dockers started looking at next year about three years ago.

There’s been talk of offering both farewell games and why not? If you’re going to tank, might as well make people feel good at the same time.

Without Sandilands, Paddy Ryder should have his most enjoyable day since he got out of Essendon.

Port to win.

Titus has a new live show ‘Manifestly Inadequate’and new dates to announce.

They are his traditional bye round tour wrapping up the 2018 season and previewing the finals.

The dates are:

4 August- Hobart

27 August- Canberra

29 August- Perth

31 August- Sydney

1 September- Melbourne

2 September- Adelaide

Ticket available here:http://www.frontiercomedy.com/titusoreily

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