Jun 01, 2017

AFL

A highly unhelpful guide to Round Eleven

18 Comments

It’s the only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to round eleven.

Thursday

Port Adelaide v Hawthorn (AO) 7.50pm

It’s a bye week, which means two fewer games than normal. Technically it’s three less, but I’m not currently counting Brisbane games as official AFL games.

I hate bye weeks. It leaves me with more spare time than usual. My advice is to fill in that extra time with jobs you usually put off. For me, that’s showering.

Hawthorn had a victory last week against the Swans. The way some people reacted to it made it seem like an important win, rather than two sides struggling after years of dominance.

Hawks fans must wonder what has happened when beating a team that was 3-6 is cause for celebration and relief. If that makes them happy, they should have just merged with Melbourne all those years ago.

Port, on the other hand, are travelling very nicely but still find themselves having to convince the league they are the real deal.

I think the reluctance to accept them as a top team is it means facing a terrible reality, in which David Koch is getting it right both on and off the field.

A win here would see the Power start to cement themselves in the top eight and with that yuan pouring in, Port Adelaide may be the most successful Chinese business in Australia right now.

I’m tipping the Power.

Friday

Geelong v Adelaide (SS) 7.50pm

Now, this is a match. Will the team we have some concerns about, defeat the other team we also have concerns about?

The Crows seem to be back on track, but those insipid performances against North and Melbourne tend to linger in the mind. Wins over Brisbane and Fremantle don’t exactly mean the Crows are back to their early form either.

Any team that turned in that first quarter against North must be suspect.

Destroying Freo was nice, but Geelong have, at least in recent weeks, shown a keen interest in trying to get their hands on the football, something the Dockers didn’t show at all.

Plus, Geelong’s umpiring unit last week were elite, and they probably gives the Cats’ a three-goal head start.

The Crows should be motivated to win here, especially given what Patrick Dangerfield said of Adelaide when he left:

“Adelaide is not only the worst place in Australia; it is probably the worst place in the entire universe. I left because I couldn’t stand the people, the football club and the Central Market.”

“I also don’t like Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee, mainly because I hate farmers and all of rural Australia.”

That’s harsh, especially the bit about farmers, who are the bedrock upon which this country is built.

Anyway, I’m tipping the Cats here.

Saturday

Gold Coast v West Coast (MS) 1.45pm

The Suns finally get back home after losses in Shanghai and Alice Springs. If history has taught us anything, and it hasn’t, the Shanghai-Alice Springs double is brutal on a team.

It’s especially brutal if that team is the Suns, who have the fighting spirit of the League of Pacifists.

The Suns are going through the motions this year. The players know Rodney Eade is gone at the end of the season and probably Gary Ablett too. Steven May might also decide to ply his trade at an AFL club next year.

Having all the Suns leave the Gold Coast would be the best option. Put them in Tasmania.

The nickname ‘the Suns’ wouldn’t work but there, but Hobart’s BBL side is ‘the Hurricanes.’

Hurricanes only occur in the Northern Hemisphere, and last I checked, the Apple Isle was hardly being lashed by tropical storms on a regular basis, regardless of what you call them.

West Coast continues to be only OK. Last week’s loss at home, showed they can lose anywhere but that was against the competent expansion team.

A defeat here would certainly put them in CRISIS MODE, but I just can’t see it happening this week.

Greater Western Sydney v Essendon (SS) 4.35pm

I should begin by pointing out this is Brendon Goddard’s 300th game.

Brendon said this week that he’s misunderstood by the public. Have you ever noticed people are never misunderstood positively?

Goddard’s career has had its highlights, and he has the rare honour of moving from St Kilda and landing in a club beset by even more scandal. That is usually impossible to do.

The Giants are suddenly premiership favourites again, after being described by many as flawed just a few weeks ago.

Beating the Eagles at home is certainly an accomplishment but this year’s Eagles are not exactly the measuring stick of the competition.

What is amazing, is GWS’ injury list would probably be a top eight team. It’s further proof the AFL Commission overdid things just a tad when setting up the Giants.

I’m tipping the Giants here.

North Melbourne v Richmond (ES) 7.25pm

Oh man. Tipping this is a nightmare. You may as well flip a coin.

North have been up and down, while Richmond have been true to themselves all year.

The Tigers have been praised this week for not monumentally stuffing up. I wish the bar were that low for all of us in our jobs.

Richmond are probably the only team whose main rivalry is with their minds.

Kangaroos fans will get a close look at key off-season target Dustin Martin in this one.

North seem to be in the market for big stars every year but with little success in landing them. The remind me of a lot of young people before the crushing weight of reality convinces them that they better lower their expectations and settle down with someone more on their level.

I did that and discovered there’s nobody on my level; it turns out everyone is out of my league. I’m the Brisbane of dating, and in the dating world, there are no priority picks.

I’m tipping North in this one because the coin landed on heads.

Sunday

Fremantle v Collingwood (DS) 4.40pm

Collingwood announced this week that there would be a full external review of the club.

They quickly amended that to say it wouldn’t look at Nathan Buckley’s coaching coverage because everyone assumed this was just Eddie wanting some cover for firing Bucks.

The review’s principal aim, it turns out, is to produce a beautiful PowerPoint presentation and glossy document that can sit on a shelf somewhere and gather dust.

It will be called something fancy, like Side by Side: Into the Future.

Apparently, the report will look to ‘future proof’ the club, which I assume means ‘take away Eddie’s ability to initiate coaching transitions’.

It sounds like an expensive exercise, especially when Collingwood gets a free external review on social media every single day.

Fremantle last week played one of their all-time awful games. It was so bad that it’s hard to have any confidence that they’ll ever win a game again.

A week of Ross Lyon yelling at you may provide enough motivation and playing Collingwood could be just what the doctor ordered.

Aaron Sandilands fitness will be key here. The Dockers missed him last week like someone would miss all their vital organs.

I’m tipping Fremantle, but it depends a fair bit on Sandilands fitness.

Byes: Brisbane, Carlton, Melbourne, St Kilda, Sydney, Western Bulldogs

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COMMENTS

Martin

Jun 01, 2017

Don't go anywhere Titus, no matter how much money they throw at you!

The Hopper

Jun 01, 2017

"I should begin by pointing out this is Brendon Goddard’s 300th game."
Love your Goddard 'pointing' reference. It's the role he was born to play. He should probably update the point to the dab though. Nice work, Titus.

Macaroni

Jun 01, 2017

"It’s a bye week, which means two fewer games than normal. Technically it’s three less, but I’m not currently counting Brisbane games as official AFL games.

I hate bye weeks. It leaves me with more spare time than usual. My advice is to fill in that extra time with jobs you usually put off."

Surely the positive to the bye rounds is that you only have to write 6 unhelpful previews? Doing 33% less work and achieving the same outcome would seem to be a win wouldn't it? I hear that's the real reason the umpires want to scrap the bounce, less bouncing, same crap level of umpiring

Delmore

Jun 01, 2017

Actually Richo seems to have been positively misunderstood since retirement.

Rodders

Jun 01, 2017

Hopefully Freo put in another stellar performance to give you the chance to refer them as the Washington Generals again - that was inspired.

Come on umpire

Jun 01, 2017

I would suggest that the reason no one is positively misunderstood is that we don't point it out, unlike all those sooks who are negatively misunderstood. I know that I used to be positively misunderstood at my prior workplace which is why I was promoted well beyond my level of competence and trust me when I say I certainly wasn't pointing it out to anybody.

John Nicholls

Jun 01, 2017

I am available to coach those Suns. We cannot have any pacificists in the VFL.

Wendy

Jun 01, 2017

Tipping dilemma - Nth vs Richmond - go for the best looking lot (whichever you think that is).

Bloss55

Jun 01, 2017

Brad Ebert's 200th AFL game tonight.

Brad

Jun 01, 2017

Priority picks in dating, hilarious!

Luke Beveridge

Jun 01, 2017

Bit concerned that the dogs have been shafted by the umps in favour of their new love child - the pussy cats.

Donald.

Jun 01, 2017

Cats umpiring unit are on a roll. Let's hope they keep it going this week.

Margaret

Jun 01, 2017

Wendy , one only needs to look at Ben Brown or even just a poster picture I have on my kitchen door to tip the Roos!

Norm Allard

Jun 01, 2017

Titus in his pathetic attempt to entertain by disparaging​ all and sundry is so infantile it makes me want to puke

Bronwyn Lane

Jun 01, 2017

Is this a sorry attempt at satire? I follow the Lions and I'm amused. Great stuff.

Bronwyn Lsne

Jun 01, 2017

Referring to Norm Allard of course.

Bloke from the outer

Jun 02, 2017

It was good to see that the Geelong umpiring unit morphed into the Port Adelaide umpiring unit seamlessly last night.

I'm looking forward to it finally morphing into the Richmond umpiring unit one day but I'm still bitter about Kevin Smith playing for Carlton in 1982.

p.s. how does an umpire miss one player holding the arm of another player chasing the ball RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. Tackling the player before they have the ball has become an epidemic this year. I am yelling at the tv more than usual as a result (and that's saying something!)

Ken Olah

Jun 02, 2017

Good you read them all, then.