Every parent lives with the constant fear that their children might grow up to support a different team. It is the stuff of nightmares.

This Easter long weekend, it struck me that religion has a lot to teach us about how to indoctrinate our children to support the right team.

As a Melbourne Football Club supporter, I know how important it is to keep the next generation coming along. Relying on the team to attract supporters is somewhat laughable.

I can remember discussing this with a friend of mine who was telling me that as a member of the Jewish faith it was important for him to marry a Jewish women as he felt the need to keep the faith going. I told him that as a Melbourne supporter I fully understood the pressure he was under. He said he thought I was trivialising the issue with the comparison. Of course, I assured him that the Jewish religion is equally important.

What religion does so well is indoctrinate a person before they can think for themselves and as sports fans we have the same responsibility. I often hear parents tell me their son or daughter supports a different team because a friend at school does or they like they colours. This is outrageous.

Far too often, we hear about a child supporting Manly despite coming from a South Sydney home or a Collingwood supporter raising a Kangaroos fan. This is where Human Services should be focusing their scarce resources.

So how do we avoid such a tragic outcomes?

The first step is to win the battle of the parents. The best-case scenario is to find a partner who supports the same team. It is worth overlooking physical and mental deficiencies for this.

The next best is to choose someone who is not interested in sport. This will place considerable strain on your marriage but will give you a free run at the children.

The worst-case scenario is to marry someone with strong allegiances. In this case, consider not having children. Do you really want to risk bringing a Carlton supporter into the world?

One trick in this case is to trade something away for the rights to which teams the children support. I suggest trade away the right to choose the children’s first names. After all, it’s far better that Chase, Bodie and Jessykah grow up supporting the right team.

Once this parental issue is cleared up, you need to start early. Religion teaches us that symbols, music and stories are the most effective tools.

From the moment you find out your child is on the way, play the club theme song constantly. Even in the womb the baby will be able to hear it. Seventy to eighty times a day should about do it.

Next, make sure their room is decked out in all the latest club colours and merchandise. Teddy bears must be in team colours. That way you can say ‘Teddy goes for Wests, you wouldn’t want to upset Teddy now would you?’

Tell them bedtime stories that lionise your team and belittle all others. If you’re a Cronulla or Bulldogs supporter, just lie outright.

The most important stage is when they first hit primary school. This is where other kids will try to infect them with crazy ideas about supporting other teams. Choose their friends carefully. Refuse them permission to go to sleepovers where you are uncertain of the parents’ sporting allegiances.

Tell them friends of theirs who support other teams are ‘bad people’ and are probably talking about them behind their back.

Lastly, remember guilt is an incredibly important tool in indoctrination. It’s how the Catholic Church has ended up with over one billion members, which is a larger membership than any team in Australia with the possible exception of Collingwood.

Guilt can be used quite simply, “Fine, barrack for Penrith, I guess you just don’t love your old man anymore.”

Remember, indoctrinate early, indoctrinate often.