Jun 02, 2023


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Twelve


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Twelve.


Melbourne vs. Carlton (MCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

There are a lot of concerns at Melbourne at the moment, but the biggest is if they lose this, they then play Collingwood next week.

The potential that they could lose to Carlton then Collingwood ahead of the bye week is terrifying.

If that happens, a lot of Melbourne fans European holidays are going to be ruined. It’s would put a real dampener on my swing through Italy and Spain.

Could the Dees lose to Carlton? It’s certainly possible, Carlton may have lost last week, but they had to really work at it. Their forwards kicked for goal like Swans fans were holding their families hostage.

And Carlton showed a lot of fight last week, it was just between board members. The politics around the Carlton board is toxic.

The Roy family would look at the Carlton board and wonder why these people are so dysfunctional.

But as much as people like to think boards are important, the players on the field have some impact on the game.

One thing I can report, and I’m 100 percent certain of this, is that Patrick Cripps has abandoned his teammates and has been in Las Vegas all week.

I’m tipping Melbourne. There will be no excuses.


Port Adelaide vs. Hawthorn (AO) 1:45pm Fox Footy

Hawthorn are on a rampage at the moment, with not one, but two wins in a row. Talk about a feel-good story.

Their season has been overshadowed by the racism inquiry, with the AFL doing a bit of magic this week and announcing everything from their point of view is none of their business, with no findings that anyone did anything.

Basically, the AFL said, ‘we can’t figure out who is telling the truth here, so leave us out of this and sue each other.’

While some are disappointed with this outcome, I get it, it’s a similar strategy I use with my extended family.

The Hawks two game streak is almost as good as Port’s winning streak which sits at eight games. And now they get to add a ninth, because Port are not St Kilda.

I mean, in other years they sort of have been, but this year Port seem different.

And in even better news, David Koch has just freed up a lot of time to help out more.

If there’s one thing that helps an AFL team, it’s a meddling president with a TV background.

West Coast vs. Collingwood (OS) 4:35pm Fox Footy

Number one mid-season draft pick Ryan Maric is leaving the professional operation that is the Gippsland Power for the West Coast Eagles.

It’s rare you get drafted to the AFL and end up in a team with lower standards.

Still, at least he knows he goes in as a top five player there. I hear he’s already going to be on their membership cards next season.

This is a real danger game for the Pies, they could win by less than a hundred points if they are complacent.

Craig McRae has been ill this week, but the Pies say he will still make the trip to Perth.

I’m not sure why. A sack of potatoes could coach Collingwood to a win over the Eagles. I’m not sure they even need to send 22 players.

What I’d like to see is a Collingwood fan get to coach the Pies this week. That would be a bit of fun, we could finally see a supporter make all the moves they’re always calling for.

In terms of the Eagles, a fan couldn’t do any worse.

Optus Stadium may be against letting a Collingwood fan coach. Lot of effort to bolt down everything in the coaches box.

Western Bulldogs vs. Geelong (Marvel) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Things are tough down in Geelong at the moment.

Key injuries, three losses in a row and the news that their brand new 14,000-seat stand is delayed.

It’s a sad outcome, especially since until the stand is finished, the various political parties can’t announce more funding to gold plate every single part of it. Such are the problems of living in a highly marginal area.

Perhaps as compo the various local members could organise extra draft picks for the Cats.

The Bulldogs are travelling very well, despite last weeks narrow loss to the Suns in Darwin.

Who hasn’t had a regretful night in Darwin? I mean that’s why Darwin is fun.

I once had night out in Darwin that involved some very poor drink selections and six court cases I’m still working through in several jurisdictions.

The Doggies have a great chance to bounce back here and put a massive dent in any chance the Cats have to repeat this season.

I’m tipping the Dogs.


Greater Western Sydney vs. Richmond (GS) 1:10pm Fox Footy

It’s 14th taking on 15th in what many are a calling ‘a game that is happening on Sunday’.

Damien Hardwick might have tuned in for last week’s match, but he may want to give this one a miss.

The Giants are a real chance of knocking them off here, given they are one of the better bad teams.

To be this far into the season and have the Tigers sitting on just three wins, may seem odd to young footy fans, but it’s a return to normal for most of us.

The discussion this week has been about whether Justin Leppitsch would return to Richmond as head coach.

He may consider it, but there’s something to be said about being the second in charge.

I mean the worst thing about being a senior coach must be dealing with the media.

The second worse must be pretending to care about people.

That’s exhausting. Looking after roughly forty blokes would be so tiring, I don’t know how anyone does it.

I’m tipping the Giants.

Essendon vs. North Melbourne (Marvel) 4:40pm Fox Footy

Essendon have had a nice draw recently, with Richmond, West Coast and North Melbourne.

That’s like a mini holiday from the AFL.

If they win this one, which they should, they will then face Carlton, so that would be four wins in a row!

There’s just no way they can miss finals. They are a sure thing.

North Melbourne won’t be getting Alastair Clarkson back anytime soon it appears, despite the AFL sidestepping any findings faster than a matador avoiding a charging bull.

It means Brett Ratten is stuck coaching the Kangaroos for the foreseeable future, which is a harsh punishment for a nice guy.

If I were him, I’d ask the AFL for a nice cushy job after this, something where you are not judged by outcomes, like Match Review Officer.

In that role there is no right or wrong. You just guess if someone is guilty or not, roll a dice to work out how many weeks they’ve got, then do whatever you want the next week.

Seriously, it’s the best job in the world. No one has ever done it well, no one thinks you’re going to get it right, and at the same time, you’re not wrong either because it’s all nonsense.

I’m tipping the Bombers.

Byes: Collingwood, Brisbane, St Kilda, Sydney, Fremantle

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus



Jun 02, 2023

But on a serious note, what about that State of Origin game the other night?


Jun 02, 2023

Listing Collingwood in the 'Byes' list...hahaha

David O'Leary

Jun 02, 2023

What about the Women's State of Origin game last night?!
The NRLW has to be one of the highest standard women's team sport comps on the planet.
So fast, open, skilful and .. tough. Just amazing.
Sadly, the AFLW is nowhere near it!


Jun 02, 2023

Crows v Gold Coast not worth a mention?


Jun 02, 2023

No Suns v Crows preview?


Jun 02, 2023

you seem to be missing a game... will the crows win on the goldy??


Jun 02, 2023

Byes: Collingwood, Brisbane, St Kilda, Sydney, Fremantle



Jun 02, 2023

Crows not playing Suns in Darwin this week Titus????

Billy Club

Jun 02, 2023

Sooo guess the Crows and Gold Coast are not gunna play after all?.


Jun 02, 2023

btw, St Kilda have a BYE.
Thus my alternate focus on how great women's rugby league is.
Carn Sainters in the Pride Game at the SCG next Thurs!

Sunny Crow

Jun 02, 2023

...ahem...did you miss anything Titus?


Jun 02, 2023

Suns v Crows omitted this week due to the stress of the Dees imminent loss to the Blues.

Elaine Trevilyan

Jun 02, 2023

Crows had a great game last week, but not playing this week and not in the byes.
Have they exited the competition on a high note and joined Crips in Las Vagas?

Running Dog

Jun 02, 2023

"In terms of the Eagles, a fan couldn’t do any worse.

You didn't notice that the Grand Poobah of WA has quit, citing the bearpit of politics? So... what do you think he has planned for Saturday? I'm sure that with his sore head and sharp claws he'll be qualified to coach an Auskick team.

Bam Bam

Jun 02, 2023

Handing the crowd the win?

DP Machine

Jun 02, 2023

Your disdain for the crows knows no bounds…

Andrew of 3040

Jun 02, 2023

Even with Julie McCreery coaching, the Pies would beat the Eagles by at least 75 ...


Jun 02, 2023

We don't use coaching boxes anymore at Collingwood. Perhaps anything that fits under the black and white puffer jacket while they are on the boundary shouting encouragement to the umpires and eating a pie with one hand is there's to keep.

The g train

Jun 02, 2023

“Could the Dees lose to Carlton? It’s certainly possible”. Titus-respectfully-it is not possible. Put otherwise, it is impossible. Literally. And am using “literally” in the literal sense. Not even Heisenberg’s uncertainty principe can alter this impossibility. Not even Mary Poppins herself could make a Carlton victory possible.

Thanks for another tremendously unhelpful guide, Titus. As always. Pretty much the only thing going for me (I’m a StK supporter).


Jun 02, 2023

Not only is there an errant apostrophe in the comment of Roger from Collingwood, but it's the wrong word. "Theirs" not "there's".


Jun 02, 2023

DANGER - Eagles ahead next 4 quarters

Collingwood has lost 4 out of their last 5 meetings with the powerhouse Eagles, and that win was by a single point.

Everything in the universe says that Collingwood win by 100 - 400 points, but history has other ideas.

I’ll be hoping against hope that Eagles remember how historically bad they are at the moment and dutifully accept their shellacking.


Jun 02, 2023

Hang in there G TRAIN.
Flag No.2 is on the way to us over the next 3-4 seasons!
It's gonna happen.

Con Cushion

Jun 02, 2023

Turn it up Titus ... No excuses! What if Grundy starts "shussssshing" the crowd 10 mins into the 3rd quarter and you're only 10 pts up. Grounds for excuses I would have thought!! Con.


Jun 02, 2023

My particular selections in this particular round are as follows:

MEL will rub CARL's nose in it

P. Adelaide will pop Hawthorn's balloon

WCE will be squashed like bugs

WB will just squeak past GEEL

The Suns will defeat Adelaide in a close one.

GWS will give Richmond a run for their money, but the Tigers will prevail

North Melbourne will beat ESS. I'll just repeat that: North Melbourne will beat ESS.

Kevin Fitzgerald

Jun 02, 2023

Since it's Collingwood here in Perth I was thinking of applying for a 'BOO Permit' but after last night's show I simply couldn't afford the postage!!! Also last night was the first time I clapped eyes on you! Don't worry I intend to continue reading your useless tips! Kevin Malachy Fitzgerald.


Jun 02, 2023

The gently delivered derision
Concerning the Suns-Crows omission
Has failed to elicit contrition
Or even a simple admission.

But like many an old politician
O'Reily could take the position
That this wasn't an act of volition
Or the result of some faulty cognition
Or a deed that might lead to perdition
Or the start of a "brand new tradition"
Or the act of a dialectician
Or a trick by a sly rhetorician
But simply a misrecognition
Of the way we use contraposition.

Catherine Benfield

Jun 02, 2023

Was just about to follow Titus' advice .Placing my tips according to Titus.....oops seem to be missing something..


Jun 02, 2023

Sam Mitchell in spitting distance to Port Adelaide

Hairy Maclary

Jun 02, 2023

In fine form this week Titus. Especially about the racist saga. Precise, to the point and accurate. No really!

EB’s Shorts

Jun 03, 2023

A brilliant Full Moon. The Les Murray of the Unhelpful Guide!


Jun 03, 2023

Titus, I'm sure you're aware from the comments that you missed a game. I came here to decide who to tip in the tightest call of the weekend. I rely heavily on you as an oracle. Oh well. Matt Rowell will have another blinder in Darwin to pull the suns across the l8ne against the crows!


Jun 03, 2023

Very seldom comment but just want to acknowledge some absolute gold this week Titus.

bloke from the outer

Jun 04, 2023


I've played League, Union and Aussie Rules. It's easy for the ladies to be skillful at league because there is almost no skill required.