Jun 15, 2023


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Fourteen


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Fourteen.


Port Adelaide vs. Geelong (AO) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Port Adelaide lose Michael Voss and suddenly they’re on a ten-game winning streak and sit second on the ladder.

Coincidence? It’s more fun to say it’s not.

The Power are so good at the moment that their captain can’t even break into the side, which doesn’t happen too often.

No such fate confronts Patrick Dangerfield, who is back after injury, and the Cats certainly need him.

As we all know, the Cats don’t traditionally do too well after the bye, and I get it. After a holiday, who doesn’t take a while to ease back into things?

Mentally, I’m still on holiday from my grand tour around Europe, when I threw caution to the wind and was accompanied by just seven servants.

I made the tough trek across the continent, making do in some of the finest hotels Europe has to offer.

What a time. The art, the culture, the pheasant shooting.

Max Holmes and Mitch Duncan are also returning from injury, but I think the Power get this done.


Brisbane vs. Sydney (G) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

Jack Gunston and Daniel Rich have apparently sat down and told Chris Fagan they are not playing well enough to be selected.

It feels a bit like dumping someone before they dump you. Like the time I dumped Tracey because I realised, she was about to break up with me.

“I just felt the time was right; I was over it, even if she wasn’t,” I told my friends as I sobbed uncontrollably while alarmingly rocking back and forth in a way that made them feel uncomfortable.

Telling the coach you’re unavailable for selection because you’re not up to AFL standard is a dangerous precedent.

The Eagles wouldn’t be able to field a side.

The people most upset about this news are the Sydney Swans. What a blow.

Now the Swans have their own problems with players not performing to AFL standard, most notably Buddy Franklin
While he’s one of the greats, this was probably one season too many, and now the Swans have to keep hoping he’ll recapture some of his old form.

Holding on for too long is always a problem. All of us need to realize when a phase of our lives is over.

Like when my parents had the police evict me from their house because I was ‘43 years old, annoying and needed to get on with my life and stop being such a massive loser.’

Lions to win.


Greater Western Sydney vs. Fremantle (GS) 4:35pm Fox Footy

There is no doubt that the Giants are the best of the bad teams, but at times this season, the Dockers have seemed keen on that title.

Just as we all thought they had turned the corner, they lose to Richmond at home.

Now their margin for error for the rest of the season is slim.

Like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, will the Dockers stay in the eight or become the most disappointing team apart from Carlton?

There was news this week that Sean Darcy has been offered a $5 million deal over five years by Geelong.

His manager says the report is “fully incorrect”, but it was in the media, so it must be true.

I would also like to put on the record that Geelong has not offered me a $5 million deal over five years.

This isn’t an easy game. Most of the Giants results, both wins and losses, have been very narrow margins.

They just don’t go away; they stay with you like the rash I picked up in Silvio Berlusconi’s spa. RIP.

Dockers to win.

Richmond vs. St Kilda (MCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Richmond are back! Mark my words, they may or may not do well for the rest of the season.

Two wins in a row, and now they get the Saints at the MCG, and you’re always a chance against the Saints. It’s what drives St Kilda fans nuts.

Richmond has decided Marlion Pickett won’t play this week, which makes sense given his rather hectic trip to Perth.

The club has said they will work on the presumption he’s innocent, which is also what the law assumes.

Innocent or not, I think we can all agree that being charged with a crime can be a distraction.

Luckily, Pickett isn’t running for the President of the United States or anything like that.

St Kilda are well positioned to play finals, but Ross Lyon isn’t getting drawn on that.

He instead said, ‘We are on a long-term journey here,’ sounding like the worst people you meet in your career.

I mean, consultants have a lot to apologise for, like playing fast and loose with tax laws, but ruining the English language is right up there too.

I’m tipping the Saints.


Carlton vs. Gold Coast (MCG) 1:10pm Fox Footy

A loss here would be devastatingly hilarious for the Blues.

And it is so on the cards.

Carlton are playing with the confidence of a pimply-faced teenager asking out the best-looking person in the school.

I should know; I was the best-looking person in my school.

Sure, I was home-schooled, but it’s still true, I was the best looking, although I was certainly helped by my brother being in that farm machinery accident.

The Suns have beaten the Bulldogs and the Crows in their last two games, so beating the Blues is no stretch.

And the Suns team don’t give off an air of wanting to be anywhere but a football field.

They also kick the ball somewhere near a potential target, something the Blues dislike doing.

If kicking out of bounds on the full was an Olympic sport, the Blues would have more gold Medallists than the East German teams of the eighties 

I’m tipping the Suns.

North Melbourne vs. Western Bulldogs (Marvel) 4:40pm Fox Footy

A North Melbourne game at 4:40pm on Sunday at Marvel Stadium! Are there still tickets left?

Marvel Stadium announced today that for two weeks, it will be turned into a makeshift golf course, which is just what the surface needs.

Players will tee off from all three levels of the ground, onto a green in the middle of the oval and into what I can only assume will be the biggest sand trap in golfing history.

When I look at the ground’s surface at Marvel, I always think, ‘What this needs is more events held on it.’

It is possible this could be an ok game.

North have been threatening to come close to winning in recent weeks, and the Bulldogs are on a three-game losing streak.

They now cling to eight, so a loss here would be less than ideal. In fact, to use a technical term, it would be ‘bad.’

I’m tipping the Bulldogs.

Bye: Adelaide, Collingwood, Hawthorn, Essendon, Melbourne, West Coast

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus


Simon Cox

Jun 15, 2023

Nooo! Don't jinx the Saints - we can do that to ourselves.

Con Cushion

Jun 15, 2023

Turn it up Titus ... Tracy just told me over lunch that SHE DUMPED YOU because you couldn't even spell her name right! Con.

The g train

Jun 15, 2023

“Like when my parents had the police evict me from their house because I was ‘43 years old, annoying and needed to get on with my life and stop being such a massive loser.’ “. This conflicts rather massively with Titus’s official bio. Will have to reassess things….

Titus—what drives StK fans way beyond nuts is living in the despair of a perpetual false hope. We fall for it EVERY SEASON. Happiness, for a StK supporter, is only through accepting a Despair that simply cannot be overcome. A bit like Sisyphus‘s boulder.

Saint peter

Jun 15, 2023

Titus, all the talk about you having to suffer, only taking 7 servants , making do with only 5 star accommodation in Europe. I feel your pain.


Jun 15, 2023

Titus you are completely correct about Ross Lyon's statement that us Saints are "on a long term journey here" We're perennial explorers. We've wandered the planet high and low, through jungle, across deserts and huskied in the snow. We've plundered oceans deep and searched in castles' keep. We have explored space with Musk and mountains in the dusk.

In fact there's no destination we haven't arrived at in 57 years except where the flag is planted. We know it's at the bottom of the rainbow and there's truffles there too. So don't wait up Titus, we're going for a walk to the G.


Jun 15, 2023

'We're on a long term journey here'. That's awfully optimistic of Ross Lyon. I bet Brett Ratten thought the same


Jun 15, 2023

This week's victors will be:



Toby Greene's team


The Suns



Jun 15, 2023

The Pies have selflessly had the grace to step aside this week so that we can concentrate on the first Ashes test.

Honestly, is there anything they don’t do with class?

It’s also a great opportunity for the Daicos boys to load up on tiger blood or whatever it is that makes them so bloody good.


Jun 15, 2023

"It’s also a great opportunity for the Daicos boys to load up on tiger blood or whatever it is that makes them so bloody good."

Monkeys' pituitary gland extracts? Mares' sweat mixed with virgins' tears? Essence of leopards' spleens? There are all sorts of possibilities.


Jun 16, 2023

I was always called the good looking one Titus, that’s of the three brothers, I can certainly empathise with you, the weight of being a good looking Demon supporter…


Jun 16, 2023

One of your finest Titus. A Berlusconi and Trump reference in the same Guide, few living writers can match your sly political commentary/unhelpful sporting predictions.

Running Dog

Jun 16, 2023

Elsternwick, I often ask for a latte made with the milk of a pregnant unicorn and sweetened by the sugar plum fairy. I'd love the price of the coffee for every occasion the cafe muppet has started to transcribe my order before realising I was having a lend. And the poor things usually seem shocked that anyone could possibly use such unsafe language.

And Titus, it's interesting that Geelong has not offered you a $5 million deal over five years. Many amateur psychologists tell us that we attract what we most fear, and I can tell you I'd be absolutely terrified of $5 million.


Jun 17, 2023

That explains Richmond's anaemic efforts this season...

Who Flung Dung

Jun 17, 2023

Does anyone remember St Kilda playing good footy. The most memorable and exciting activity by the Saints is players getting caught up in the saga of wanting to jump on the same bed as Ricky Nixon, trying to burn a dwarf at the stake for being their best ruckman and changing the definition of crossing the white line by using a straw instead of boots.

You can only delay party time for so long playing footy before the inevitable happens and fall off in performance on field is required to keep the party going off field.