Jun 22, 2023


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Fifteen


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful.

What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Fifteen.


Geelong vs. Melbourne (GMHBA) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Melbourne are going to extreme lengths to get an edge in this one, and by ‘extreme’, I mean staying the night in Geelong.

Who says playing AFL isn’t glamorous?

I guess it makes sense. I consider a trip to Marvel as an interstate trip. Geelong is just so far and hard to get to from Melbourne. What with only the massive highway and rail and everything 

Better to avoid all that.

Unfortunately, we will miss seeing two of the best midfielders of the modern era, Patrick Dangerfield and Clayton Oliver.

They are both out with similar injuries; Dangerfield has a broken rib and partially collapsed lung, while Oliver has a sore blister.

This blister seems to be the best tagger Oliver has ever faced.

Melbourne showed against Collingwood they can control a game, but it’s tough to win in Geelong.

Luckily, they’ve gone there early to acclimatise to the fact Geelong is a whopping 21 meters above sea level.   

That’s should get them across the line.


St Kilda vs. Brisbane (Marvel) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

This is a game designed to ruin your tips. Both teams have been unconvincing recently but have also shown patches of being very good.

I don’t want to brag, but I don’t need any help ruining my tips, I get them wrong all by myself.

My tipping has some deep flaws in it.

The first flaw is I often tip in a futile attempt to reverse jinx a team. This has proven over the years to be less than successful, but I stick with it like our politicians stick to the idea of a very fast rail project on the east coast. 

It makes no sense, but I persist.

My second flaw is I often tip, hoping for a result because it will be funnier. That’s why I often tip Carlton to lose, and that one has actually worked terrifically well. 

The problem is it probably won’t work forever.

The third flaw is I pay too much attention to the football media all week. That means I massively overact to the most pointless and trivial news, but isn’t that just modern life?

Thinking something is important when it really has no impact on you is the hallmark of modern debate.

Spend the most time talking about the least important things.

So, who to tip? I’m tipping the Lions, which should make Saints fans ecstatic.


Sydney vs. West Coast (SCG) 4:35pm Fox Footy

This is a thrilling match-up, with fifteenth taking on one of the top 200 Australian Rules sides in the country.

I love the FA Cup nature of the AFL these days, were semi-amateur clubs get to take on the professionals.

I wonder who is going to win!

The Eagles players would be so ecstatic at the thought of sharing a field with Buddy Franklin, but the Swans are resting him.

It’s smart; the Swans need to rest him for the big finals campaign they have coming up.

It’s amazing how little change appears to be happening amongst the board of the Eagles, who have effectively taken a Bentley Continental and turned it into one of those electric scooters drunk people hire and throw in the river.

I’m tipping the Swans.

Fremantle vs. Essendon (OS) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Essendon club president David Barham said the Bombers were in the “early phase” of a brand review, which is apparently looking at getting rid of the Bomber plane as part of their logo.

It may be the most ill-advised thing since the Warnie miniseries.

The Bomber logo reflects history; I don’t think the Essendon Football Club are really advocating going and bombing people.

Just as the Melbourne Football Club aren’t suggesting people should worship the devil, or the Gold Coast Suns aren’t being cavalier about skin cancer, or Geelong isn't proclaiming their disdain for people who are allergic to cats, or Greater Western Sydney doesn’t hate short people.

These are nicknames.

Yet, perhaps we do need a safer name.

Let’s see, something safe.

How about the Essendon Soft Pieces of Foam?

Wait, they could be a choking hazard if the foam is too small, and if it’s too big, it could smother someone.

So perhaps the Essendon Soft Pieces of Foam but of a Size that is Safe for Everyone to be Around.

That works. Oh, but foam might be environmentally damaging. That won’t work.

This is hard.

Fremantle to win.


Collingwood vs. Adelaide (MCG) 1:10pm Fox Footy

The Pies have not won a game since 3 June! What a disaster.

Look at them languishing in second place with a game in hand! I just hope they can turn things around.

Perhaps the most awful news is that Craig McRae has been given a two-year extension.

A competent coach at the Pies is something not every generation has to live through.

I fear for the children. Global warming, the war in Ukraine, the cost of living, Collingwood being a top side. Scary times.

Adelaide just had two weeks off, so they should be incredibly well-rested.

They spent the bye weeks handing out contract extensions like they were candy.

This will be a huge test for them.

I’m tipping the Pies.

Gold Coast vs. Hawthorn (Metricon) 4:40pm Fox Footy

Gold Coast usually return from the bye like they haven’t returned from the bye.

The second half of the season is usually a graveyard for the Suns, where they turn a promising start into a series of catastrophic defeats.

Things got off to an on-brand start last week with the Suns not only losing to Carlton, but making the Blues look like the Harlem Globetrotters.

A loss here to Hawthorn and those ‘Damien Hardwick to the Gold Coast’ drums are going to be beating awfully loud.

And Hawthorn could win, they beat Brisbane and the Saints recently.

The Hawks will be without James Sicily who failed in his bid to overturn a three-match ban for the dangerous tackle.

As always, the AFL have nailed consistency here. The message is, don’t tackle, just elbow people, it costs less.

I’m tipping the Suns.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus


Vic Parkes

Jun 22, 2023

Candy! Candy! Titus, candy is American! It’s ‘…like lollies’ in Australia!

Fancy Pants

Jun 22, 2023

I do think the AFL are being pretty unfair on the 187 other teams in the country ranked above them at present . Surely an EPL relegation system is overdue. if the eagles keep up this form they’ll be relegated to the WA great southern league and replaced by Busselton?

Halftime Spray

Jun 22, 2023

I saw some eye lollies on TV last night.

Windy Hill Damo

Jun 22, 2023

Sensational edition Titus. Well done. A weekly must read! Along with the post round review.


Jun 22, 2023

Well, the Essen part of Essendon is the same as the German verb "to eat", so maybe something related to the act of taking and assimilating nourishment?

The Essendon Tastebuds? The Essendon Intestines? The Essendon Gastric Juices?

Go Doggies

Jun 22, 2023

Hey Taking Elsterwick By Storm,
how about the Essendon Masticators?

Mr B

Jun 22, 2023

So, Don is a famous maker of sausages. Therefore Essen Don would translate as "The Sausage Eaters"


Jun 22, 2023

Splendid Titus! Geelong just twenty-one metres above sealevel, with climate change and sea levels rising. One can visualise the future, Further redundancies at Ford, Kardinia Park converted into a canal sub-division. Barwon River a bayou, Chris, Tom and Danger out in the wetlands on airboats, like later day Noah's, proleytising for the 'Catfish' in the local water polo comp.


Jun 22, 2023

I think Essendon should become the Essendon Fantales perhaps?????

Brendons Musings

Jun 22, 2023

I wouldn't abandon the east coast fast rail idea just yet. It may extend to Geelong with an election promise, thus establishing an inverse J Curve with all sorts of possibilities for nation building. Melbourne to Perth via Adelaide in 8 hrs. And then the duplication project. You cannot fly a plane off the grid with zero emissions.

That said Bombers to win. And stay put in Essendon with our Nazi colours and creed.


Jun 22, 2023

Ah, remember when Melbourne took the demon off their badge to make them a big hit in China, back in 2007? Great idea, worked out really well. Didn’t it?


Jun 22, 2023

Would you please stop tipping Dockers - you are putting the mockers on us, Titus!

Floreat Pica

Jun 22, 2023

Dare I say, your Essendon -Fremantle preview was almost Pythonesque.

John Q

Jun 22, 2023

Travel by cruise ship to the footy. You can have a Chardonnay and cheese on the way.



Jun 22, 2023


That reminds me of the story of a criminal trial taking place at the Old Bailey in London.

The judge was an old stickler for decorum, and the witness being cross-examined was a Cockney lad who was chewing away at a piece or two of chewing gum. And, unaware of any impropriety, he kept his hands in his pockets as he gave his testimony.

The judge at first thought he was imagining things, but he soon saw that the witness was indeed chewing some kind of substance the whole time. And chewing it noisily.

Unable to stand it any longer, the judge interrupted the cross-examination, leaned forward, cleared his throat and said, "Would the witness KINDLY stop masticating!"

Upon hearing this the Cockney lad immediately pulled his hands out of his pockets.

Con Cushion

Jun 22, 2023

Turn it up Titus ... St Kilda fans haven't been ecstatic for years. Exploring yet another of your flaws is not going to change that!! Con.


Jun 22, 2023

Regardless of the outcome of their ‘brand review’ I will henceforth be calling them the Essendon Soft Pieces of Foam and I look forward to the new mascot


Jun 22, 2023

Bigfooty.com recommends the name of Essenscum* Weasels.


Jun 22, 2023

Word on the street is someone walked past the Adelaide FC clubrooms wearing a Crows beanie and was dragged in and asked to sign a 2 year contract.


Jun 22, 2023

The Essendon Jabbers?

The g train

Jun 22, 2023

“It makes no sense, but I persist”. That makes perfect sense, Titus. As William Blake puts it: “if a man persists in his folly, he would become wise”.

The trick is, Titus, to ignore all the footy media stuff. And just rely on The Unhelpful Guides and The Knee Jerk Reactions within the titusoreily.com page. It’s literally my only source of footy info and everyone I know (not very many admittedly) is amazed at the depth of my footy knowledge.

John A

Jun 23, 2023

A safe nickname for the Dons? How about the Essendon Cessnas? It's aviation orientated, with no hint of aggression or militaristic intentions.

Andrew of 3040

Jun 23, 2023

LOL! "Adelaide just had two weeks off, so they should be incredibly well-rested."

James Hird

Jun 23, 2023

The Essendon Junkies, The Essendon experimental supplements, the Essendon everyone else did it too, the Essendon James Hirds, the Essendon steroids...

Stay retired Bruce McAvaney

Jun 23, 2023

The Essendon new brand is easy. The club was established in 1871 and according to Wikipedia "In 1871, he flew the first aerodynamically stable fixed-wing aeroplane, a model monoplane he called the "Planophore", a distance of 40 metres (130 ft). ". So, the Essendon Planophores. Rolls off the tongue. And travelling a short distance before crashing seems appropriate too.

James Pollock

Jun 23, 2023

I'm glad we're discussing the Essendon logo because it's always disturbed me. That's clearly a fighter. Or a fighter-bomber at best. Geelong don't have a dog for a logo. Giants a panda. Unless we're rebanding as the Essendon Fighter-Bombers I think we should have a good hard at our logo.


Jun 24, 2023

What about the band Essendon Airport is reformed and write a new post punk theme song 🎶 something about the departure lounge or check-in, or the Essendon Runways