The Tuesday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Five

Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Tuesday you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Hawthorn (112) v Adelaide (109)

Oh I like this, a classic game on Friday Night Footy, like stumbling across a yeti riding a unicorn.

I’d actually forgotten Friday Night Footy even had a fourth quarter, in fact, I wasn’t 100 per cent confident there was even a second half.

This was such a spectacular game that you would have been happy if either of these teams had won. Except for Hawthorn of course, they’ve had enough winning. Not that the umpires agree with me on that.

There was a lot of controversy over the umpiring. Crows supporters and a lot of neutrals thought there were several terrible calls in the dying moments that gave the game to Hawthorn.

It had similarities to the Hawks close win over the Bulldogs. Personally, I find it harder and harder to know what the umpires are going to call. Some of the ones late in this game seemed surprising but then, so had a bunch throughout the game.

What the AFL really needs new scriptwriters. The story was great but the ending has been done to death.

Hire that guy who writes Game of Thrones. I’ve got a list of characters he can knock off first.

The main take out I had from this game is that the Crows are the real deal and luckily, their fans disappointment was somewhat offset by Port’s hilarious performance the very next day.

Sydney (88) v West Coast (49)

These Eagles don’t like the road do they? I don’t blame them. Victorian teams squeal like stuck pigs if they have to fly to Adelaide twice in one year, let alone from Perth to the Eastern states every fortnight.

This was a lot closer than the final score suggests, with both sides wrestled for control while the heavens opened up at certain points.

The Eagles just seemed to never really have that extra gear to go past Sydney. It reminded me a bit of my old 1986 Ford Laser Ghia. A real honest workhorse but couldn’t match it with say, someone doing a brisk jog.

It’s too early to say the Eagles’ season is in trouble but they’ve lost to two teams that are in the mix for the premiership. Luckily, they get Collingwood this week, so they’ll move to 4-2.

For Sydney, this was a nice response after the loss to Adelaide. Ted Richards was a real stand out for them and kicked his first goal since 2013.

Maybe swing Ted forward more and play Buddy back? No, you’re right, that is the worst idea in the history of human thought.

Gold Coast (81) v North Melbourne (119)

This consistency from North Melbourne is both unnatural and unnerving.

Sure, it’s easy to look at North’s draw and say they had it easy but let’s remember that these are usually the games North lose. Normally, I’d expect them to be 3-2 not 5-0 at this point. People need to give them some credit.

Does that mean I think North are actually good? Lord no, they haven’t played anyone yet.

To be fair, I do think they seem improved on last year and against Gold Coast they were just a step ahead all game, before crushing them in the final quarter.

North fans think they’re the Rodney Dangerfield of the AFL getting no respect but that could all change this Friday when they take on the Bulldogs. Win that and people will have to take notice.

The Suns received the bad news this week that they’re off to China because David Koch had a crazy idea. They should just be thankful Kochie didn’t think Syria had great ‘synergies’.

No wonder the players seemed a bit distracted. Probably wondering what team to request a trade to before being made to run around in China’s brutal industrial strength pollution.

This talk of the Suns playing finals, like it’s some inevitability, is laughable.

They head to Geelong this week and after that Melbourne and GWS. It’s not inconceivable for the Suns to lose all three.

They’d want to cut down on their errors. They made more than I did in my twenties.

Western Bulldogs (120) v Brisbane (67)

The Bulldogs somehow managed to sneak across the line in this one, despite Tom Boyd’s absence.

This was a nothing game really. I was dead keen to nod off while watching it and the only reason I didn’t, was my intense commitment to you dear reader and the seven coffees I’d drunk that morning.

The Lions gave this a go but the Bulldogs are just streets ahead, a couple of suburbs actually. The ball just kept coming into the Lions’ defensive 50 with the frequency of new home renovation shows on Australian network TV.

Brisbane are a reminder that you don’t want to go into a season without a semblance of a forward line or bad things happen. Just ask Fremantle and Collingwood.

Port Adelaide (59) v Geelong (107)

This was a game of one quarter and then three other quarters, resulting in a total of four quarters. Fact.

The first quarter was all Port and it had a fair bit of spite too. Probably something to do with Patrick Dangerfield leaving Port Adelaide’s arch rivals last year.

Actually, that makes no sense at all. Unless it was a ‘nobody insults South Australia’ thing.

My memory may be a bit hazy but I do seem to remember Dangerfield saying ‘I can’t wait to leave the social and economic wasteland that is South Australia and I hope hell opens up and swallows it and its people whole, leaving no trace on this physical plane of it having ever existed’ or words to that effect. I may be paraphrasing.

After the first quarter, we got ourselves our first melee of the round, a trend that would see the Match Review Panel issue $29,500 in fines for this round.

That’s the cost of a small business in South Australia, like Santos for example.

It was a good melee too, some of the toughest hugging and jumper clenching I’ve seen.

That ‘brawl’ seemed to jolt the Power out of their funk and they got back to playing ‘the Port Adelaide way’, which means they got smashed for the next three quarters with them making barely a whimper.

After the game, David Koch argued forcefully that he hasn’t taken his eye off the footy department, while he flew back to Sydney while working out details for China and preparing for Sunrise during the week.

It’s weird how Kochie throwing everyone that he sort-of-works with him under the bus didn’t have amazing results. That move usually always works wonders with staff.

Personally, I had my doubts about Port from the moment Jimmy Toumpas, who didn’t even excel in Melbourne’s VFL side, walked straight into the Power’s best 22.

St Kilda (79) v Greater Western Sydney (126)

Saints coach Alan Richardson slammed his players after the game for too many of them standing around while others did the hard work.

He was right too. It was like watching council workers doing roadworks.

The most disappointing part is that effort is something this young team usually provide.

The Giants on the other hand were willing to run and tackle and Jeremy Cameron’s return resulted in five goals.

Toby Greene was the stand out for the Giants, proving once again that teams will put up with a lot off the field of you can deliver on it. Isn’t that heartwarming?

The key question from this game regarded the guacamole I made while watching it. It was good but I probably put a bit too much onion in it.

Not that I mind onion, it’s a very serviceable bulb vegetable; it was more a balance of flavours thing, always the challenge with guacamole. Consistency was good however.

Perhaps I should have added more lemon juice? Anyway, something to think about for next round.

Fremantle (68) v Carlton (72)

A tough game to watch. Just knowing either Carlton or Fremantle would win was bad enough, then there was the quality of football.

It was just awful. An affront to anyone who has ever loved football and even future generations who are yet to do so.

Fremantle really proved their bottom four bona fides. They are a serious threat for the wooden spoon.

It’s hard to know what’s gone wrong at the Dockers. Injuries are surely a part and losing Fyfe to a fractured leg isn’t just the salt in the wound. It’s another bigger, more painful wound.

My theory is that when Ross  spent a lot of time talking to Clarkson on the International Rules junket, Clarko fed him a lot of nonsense. Like ‘fitness is overrated’ and ‘hire a couple of my assistants’.

Lyon used to dream of losing Grand Finals but the Dockers will be in no position to lose on the biggest stage this season.

Carlton fans would be thrilled. Suddenly they are not as big a laughing stock as Fremantle, a worthy achievement.

We can’t even make jokes about them tanking anymore. A real shame, I threw out a terabyte of one liners this morning. Wait, can I use them for Freo? How do you recover a USB you set on fire?

Melbourne (129) v Richmond (96)

Going to an ad break during the Last Post, like Channel Seven did, is pretty bad. It’s not ‘fund a botched kidnapping operation in Lebanon’ bad but still less than ideal.

Yet, we don’t know if the ANZACs would have actually been keen to find out details about when My Kitchen Rules was screening and wouldn’t have minded.

It’s one of those great historical ‘what ifs’. My bet is they would have minded. A lot.

Before this game it was impossible to know if Melbourne’s inability to win two games in a row or Richmond’s ability to crush its fans’ hopes, was stronger. Now we know.

The footy gods just love to crush Tigers supporters. They are relentless and heartless about doing so. If only the Richmond players were so relentless.

There was a fair bit of niggle in this one too. People got really upset with Tom Bugg after making a gesture to the crowd . I’m not sure why, it’s not like he threw an invisible spear that could have really hurt someone’s feelings.

He also pushed Jack Riewoldt when he was in the hands of the trainers. As a Melbourne fan, I wasn’t happy with that. It reflected poorly on the club and the private school Bugg went to.

Bugg was to be slightly outdone later on when Alex Rance elbowed Jack Watts in the back of the head while Jack lay on the ground. It was a shocking act, like shooting Bambi.

Yet it was not as shocking as the commentary that followed, where they made excuse for Rance, like he was the victim. It was like we were meant to feel sorry for him because he elbowed someone when they weren’t looking.

Rance will now miss two weeks but a better punishment would be making him play the next two games. That’s how bad Richmond are.

You could say they have a lot of passengers but passengers are usually linked to something that has a level of forward momentum. Something that’s actually going somewhere, which Richmond are not.

So many of their players seem to not know where they’re meant to be. Like watching a bunch of middle-aged men try to negotiate a department store.

The only question out of this for Melbourne is ‘what the hell happened against Essendon?’

I mean, two wins in a row should not really be a cause for celebration.

Still, I haven’t been to sleep since and the commemorative tattoo I got is starting to get really itchy.

Collingwood v Essendon

In hindsight, scheduling a NAB Challenge game on ANZAC Day was probably a mistake.

Still, it gave us the chance to see new Brownlow medal favourite Mason Cox put on a master class of ten possessions against a VFL grade Bombers unit.

To be honest, you could put any random American in this side and they’d be an upgrade on Travis Cloke.

I know what you’re all thinking ‘any American? What about Donald Trump?’ It’s a fair point.

I see him more as a centre half back type though. Just building a wall along the defensive 50. It would be a terrific wall, just ask him, he’ll tell you.

This was a huge percentage boost for the Pies and it could be crucial in the battle for thirteenth spot.

There’s no doubt that everything is now fixed at Collingwood. I think I speak for all of us when I say they should extend Buckley again, right now.

Essendon fans will probably be more than a bit annoyed with the effort.

Just goes to show, when it comes to drugs, stick to illicit, not performance enhancing.

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  1. Andrew Johnston

    “Some of the ones late in this game seemed surprising but then, so had a bunch throughout the game.” that may be the most rational response to the free kicks of any commentator, and it come from the comedian!

  2. bacardi_jr

    TitusOReily always a treat, Titus. Splendid indeed

  3. JoelCuming

    TitusOReily I too owned a 1986 Ford Laser. Incidentally it was more reliable and brought me more happiness than Melbourne ever has.

  4. Jonelle Murrihy Frazer

    See Jason Murrihy…even Titus doesn’t understand Port Adelaide’s angst over Danger

  5. Gracrow

    TitusOReily One of your best Titus. Keep them coming 🙂

  6. shags2207

    Titus, you make my Mondays, even when they are Tuesdays.  As a Victorian living in WA, your columns are my weekly taste of reality.

  7. Nathan Hardacre

    Jamie Higgins The Port write up, again U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602 Kym Morgan

  8. KSchu12

    mick_83 mate they’ve got passengers taking ride on passengers! It would be funny if it wasn’t so depressing!

  9. Gerard Marquis

    Comparing the Eagles to a 1986 Ford Laser Ghia – just brilliant!! Lesley Reed Jai Russell

  10. Cody James Miller

    “Just goes to show, when it comes to drugs, stick to illicit, not performance enhancing”.

  11. Jared Gerald Chin

    one of the better games to watch this year by far

  12. Lesley Reed

    I liked the part about the whinging Vic clubs and travel……Gerard Marquis

  13. Damien McFadden

    This sir is some of your best work U0001f44f Troy Melville

  14. Cath Wallace

    Read the very last sentence Lachlan Cameron so funny

  15. Stuart Peace

    I didn’t see the demons and tigers but I am so sick of the commentators acting as apologists for players doing the wrong thing. No matter what happens they try to make out like it is nothing. It’s ridiculous

  16. Gerard Marquis

    That was okay, but the workmanlike Ford Laser Ghia was a lot funnier!

  17. mick_83

    KSchu12 I understand you only too well my friend. Always darkest before the dawn.. U0001f600

  18. Michelle Van de Tonk

    Paul McWhimsical I swear that every time I read a Titus OReily recap it sounds more and more like you wrote it.

  19. Jim Walker

    Agee Titus. Wat did happen to the dees against the bombers? Wasted an opportunity their. #godees #myheartbeatstrue

  20. eatay3

    TitusOReily How did you get Donald Trump into the mix and loving the Cats melee reasoning. Another goodie.

  21. Lionel Mawditt

    Paul Gee absolute gold this week

  22. Amanda Elliott

    Thank you / I was wondering why, as I crows supporter, I was actually happy this week – port! Lol

  23. Christine Boulter

    As usual Titus, you hit the nail on the head and yet lessen the blow, thank you for the amusement I always gain from you writings

  24. Yova Novic

    your’e not funny Titus have your moments BUT YOUR’E NOT FUNNY !!!

  25. Chris Condell

    Haha yeah pretty good. Love the sarcasm and very dry wit


    Amazing that one could be so funny and acutely accurate at the same time. Gold!!

  27. Angus Berry

    Tom Chadwick Nick Haslam last paragraph of the Friday night game is brilliant

  28. Jeremy Hill

    So don’t read his stuff. Pretty simple solution, champ.

  29. Yova Novic

    I dont like your comment, “champ” infact – free kick Hawthorne !

  30. Danielle Cook

    Unlike his page & stop whining! I think he’s quite witty!

  31. Gary Bruce

    it’s like the long weekend peaked on Friday and got progressively more depressing as it wore on

  32. Richard Bell

    Sorry, I couldn’t hear your unjust criticisms of Rance’s momentary, uncharacteristic, perfectly understandable lapse of reason over the sounds of Jack Riewolt’s awesomeness. Seriously, he must have been the difference between the two sides on the night. I wasn’t looking at the telly, but by the sound of it, Richmond won comfortably.

  33. Gerard Marquis

    Take your turn and chuckle along like everyone else does, precious.

  34. Lesley Reed

    Yeah I know, he is hysterical, I Get his link direct to my email so I don’t miss it. Gerard Marquis

  35. johndjames

    I also could not understand the way the commentators got stuck into Tom Bugg,just for having a good time,yet played down the cowardly act of Rance on our hero Jack Watts.

  36. Kym Morgan

    “Unless it was a ‘nobody insults South Australia’ thing”. Lol

  37. AndrewDeakin

    Why so tough on Carlton? They played honestly and to the best of their ability, and beat a team that looked like it was trying to lose to win a bet (plenty on the 6/1 offered about Carlton). Freo tried hard to kick only points, and when one player inadvertently shot for goal, a gallant Freo player stepped in and corrected the error.

  38. BGostelow

    ajgardner “In hindsight, scheduling a NAB Challenge game on ANZAC Day was probably a mistake.” U0001f44cU0001f3fb

  39. ajgardner

    BGostelow “They’d want to cut down on their errors. They made more than I did in my twenties.”

  40. Brad Bradford

    That’s what I was thinking, I thought it was the Port/Kochie bit til I read the Richmond ending…lol.

  41. Dan Gaskin

    “You could say they have a lot of passengers but passengers are usually linked to something that has a level of forward momentum. Something that’s actually going somewhere, which Richmond are not.”

  42. Brad Bradford

    And the bit about making Rance play to punish him :-))

  43. ajgardner

    BGostelow Going to give the podcast a liss as well. I’ll report back.

  44. Rem_Wah

    TitusOReily “Lyon used to dream of losing Grand Finals but the Dockers will be in no position to lose on the biggest stage this season.”

  45. Michael Tuohy

    “their fans disappointment was somewhat offset by Port’s hilarious performance the very next day” – very true 🙂 and “Just goes to show, when it comes to drugs, stick to illicit, not performance enhancing” – Gold!

  46. Dan Gaskin

    So good. I genuinely look forward to his articles each week.

  47. hmsh05

    TitusOReily – when it comes to drugs stick to illicit rather than performance enhancing – absolutely hilarious

  48. Euan McDonald-Madden

    Tim HudsonBrian Murphy Matthew Blashki this is his best one yet……gold.

  49. RhombusHatesYou

    TitusOReily Port fans will always boo the people they hated, even after they change teams. Just ask Troy Chaplin.

  50. Michael Charlton

    David Underwood-Harris the geelong review lol

  51. Fraser Rettie

    I would suggest grating the onion very finely. Makes all the difference

  52. James Newton

    Thomas Cousland Luke Cunningham read the dees v tiges summary!

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