Tips for staying safe at the Rio Olympics

The Rio Olympics are almost here and while many are quick to point out the problems the city is currently experiencing, a few simple steps will keep you safe and maximise your enjoyment of the games.

  • At all times, travel with your security detail of 30 people. Only leave your armoured car when they say it’s safe to do so
  • Only consume food and water you brought from home
  • Win over locals by showing off your mastery of Spanish at every opportunity
  • One of the easiest ways to stay safe in Rio is to not go there
  • Much like in your own country, poor people are best avoided
  • Rio’s police are more dangerous than the criminals. Be sure to take plenty of bribe money if you do encounter them
  • Carry your money in a money belt under your clothes like everyone else is told to do, so thieves know where it is
  • Avoid any of the venues hosting Olympic events
  • Ensure you carry details on you at all times of who should be contacted when you’re kidnapped
  • No matter what anyone tells you, golf should not be in the Olympics
  • Rio’s crumbling infrastructure mean it’s best to avoid things like roads and buildings
  • Make no outward show of your wealth. Instead, dress in rags, don’t wash and ensure you are suffering from malnutrition to avoid becoming a target for thieves.
  • Make sure the person you’ve entrusted to pay your ransom will pay it
  • If you accidentally drink the water in Rio, sit down and write out your will
  • Try to minimise your exposure to Rio’s air pollution by only breathing when absolutely necessary
  • While there are simple precautions you can take, you’re totally getting the Zika virus

Titus O’Reily is doing a live show 2nd September at Yarraville Laughs. Tickets on sale now at


  1. VickiMyers

    Of course showing off your mastery of Spanish will only get you jeers as Portugese is the language of Brazil

  2. sheppo

    Um, Portuguese is the language, just to clarify, not Spanish. You know, that little country that just won the EURO cup? Rinaldo7 ring any bells?

  3. sheppo

    Very witty tho Titus. Throw in the recent threats from ISIS, and this Olympics should be a real bang.

  4. DPL

    Of course Titus knows Portugese is the language of choice in Brazil. Just testing his faithful followers.

  5. sheppo

    Yes very aware that it may have been satire, but being married to a Portuguese women I had to speak up just to be on the safe side. U0001f1f5U0001f1f9 U0001f61c

  6. JosephShizbags

    jezzc83 VickiMyers It’s sad when you have to explain the joke.  Seriously, if they didn’t get it, they’re subscribed for the wrong reasons.

  7. NedCallahan

    Spanish won’t do it for you in Rio, pal. Portuguese is the go.

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