The best Mick Malthouse and Mark Stevens exchanges

The intellectual discourse between Carlton coach Mick Malthouse and Channel Seven reporter Mark Stevens is the best rivalry since Brad Scott and the Etihad roof.

Here are some of the best exchanges between the two.

After the round one loss to Port last year

Stevens: Mick, you lost tonight.

Malthouse: That’s not a question.

Stevens: What’s the capital of Cairo?

Malthouse: Cairo’s a city. (Proceeds to stare at Stevens for ten minutes without blinking.)

Stevens: Is it?

Malthouse: Yes.

Stevens: No wait, you’re right. I just googled it.

After the round three loss to Essendon

Stevens: Three losses in a row now.

Malthouse: That’s higher than I thought you could count.

After the round six win over West Coast

Stevens: Do you like me Mick?

Malthouse: Is that a footy question?

Stevens: Respect me then?

Malthouse: Any journalists want to ask a question?

After the round eight win over St Kilda

Stevens: Do you like playing at Etihad, does it suit your style?

Malthouse: Yes.

Stevens: Would you care to expand on your remarks?

Malthouse: No.

Stevens: Would you ever want to grab a coffee?

Malthouse: This press conference is over.

Stevens: Brunch?

After the round 14 loss to GWS

Stevens: Close loss tonight.

Malthouse: It was. We didn’t take some of our chances and they did.

Stevens: Hey thanks for giving my profile a massive boost.

Malthouse: I can’t take much more than this.

Stevens: Ratings are through the roof. Bosses couldn’t be happier.

After the round 15 loss to Collingwood

Stevens: I felt you would have really liked to win that one.

Malthouse: Did you figure that out yourself?

Stevens: They scored more points than you.

Malthouse: Is that a statement or are you asking me to confirm that?

Stevens: It’s a statement.

Malthouse: The idea is that you ask me questions.

Stevens: Is it?

After the round 20 win over the Gold Coast

Stevens: Jarrod Waite kicked five tonight.

Malthouse: We’ve sort of been through this whole question/statement thing.

Stevens: Still, I was right, he kicked five.

Malthouse: When they write articles about me not getting along with the media, they should replace ‘media’ with a picture of your face.

Stevens: I actually don’t mind that idea.

After the round 23 draw to Essendon

Stevens: Can you see this rash on my arm? What do you think it is?

Malthouse: I know what I hope it is.

Sign up to Titus O’Reily’s Electronic Mail Newsletter. 


  1. Lachie

    Stevo is well known among certain circles for frequenting the solarium, that could potentially be incorporated into any future reference to him.

Leave a Comment