After completing a thorough audit of Carlton’s list, Stephen Silvagni presents it to President Mark LoGiudice and CEO Steven Trigg.
Mark LoGiudice: So give it to us straight SOS.
Steven Trigg: Yeah, give it to us with no sugar coating.
Stephen Silvagni: Well, it’s not good.
Trigg: How could you tell? Is it because we’re last on the ladder or because all our players didn’t need a shower after last week’s game?
Silvagni: A bit of both. Here’s my spreadsheet analysing every player.
LoGiudice: Wow, that’s a lot of red ink.
Trigg: What does the purple mean?
Silvagni: That’s players who shouldn’t even be footballers. At any level.
LoGiudice: At least there are only twelve of them, oh no wait, there’s a second page.
Trigg: And a third page. Very comprehensive.
Silvagni: Currently, we have too many overpaid players who also underperform.
LoGiudice: I had noticed something was up. It was all the losing.
Silvagni: Even if you factor out all the under the table payments these guys are still significantly overpaid.
Trigg: I’ve noticed that. Our secret contracts are far too generous.
Silvagni: You also need to stop recruiting former Collingwood players.
LoGiudice: Are there any positives?
Silvagni: It was hard to tell. Every time I started to look into things an old man would yell at me.
LoGiudice: That’s just Mick. Don’t worry he’s leaving at the end of the season.
Silvagni: Why not now?
LoGiudice: Well who would want to coach this lot? You?
Five minutes of laughter.
Silvagni: But seriously, I haven’t been able to find all our priority picks and draft concessions. I had cupboards full of them at GWS.
Also how many 17 year olds are we getting ahead of the draft?
Trigg: This is awkward SOS. We didn’t want to say anything in case you didn’t agree to come but we don’t get all those concessions.
Silvagni: But all clubs get them don’t they? Are you saying I had an unfair advantage at GWS?
LoGiudice: Steve, building a great list at GWS is like building a million dollar business by inheriting one.
Trigg: Here, it’s like building one from multi-generational poverty.
LoGiudice: And a stint in prison.
Silvagni: I think I need a drink.
LoGiudice: I think we all do.