Stephen Silvagni presents his Carlton audit

After completing a thorough audit of Carlton’s list, Stephen Silvagni presents it to President Mark LoGiudice and CEO Steven Trigg.

Mark LoGiudice: So give it to us straight SOS.

Steven Trigg: Yeah, give it to us with no sugar coating.

Stephen Silvagni: Well, it’s not good.

Trigg: How could you tell? Is it because we’re last on the ladder or because all our players didn’t need a shower after last week’s game?

Silvagni: A bit of both. Here’s my spreadsheet analysing every player.

LoGiudice: Wow, that’s a lot of red ink.

Trigg: What does the purple mean?

Silvagni: That’s players who shouldn’t even be footballers. At any level.

LoGiudice: At least there are only twelve of them, oh no wait, there’s a second page.

Trigg: And a third page. Very comprehensive.

Silvagni: Currently, we have too many overpaid players who also underperform.

LoGiudice: I had noticed something was up. It was all the losing.

Silvagni: Even if you factor out all the under the table payments these guys are still significantly overpaid.

Trigg: I’ve noticed that. Our secret contracts are far too generous.

Silvagni: You also need to stop recruiting former Collingwood players.

LoGiudice: Are there any positives?

Silvagni: It was hard to tell. Every time I started to look into things an old man would yell at me.

LoGiudice: That’s just Mick. Don’t worry he’s leaving at the end of the season.

Silvagni: Why not now?

LoGiudice: Well who would want to coach this lot? You?

Five minutes of laughter.

Silvagni: But seriously, I haven’t been able to find all our priority picks and draft concessions. I had cupboards full of them at GWS.

Also how many 17 year olds are we getting ahead of the draft?

Trigg: This is awkward SOS. We didn’t want to say anything in case you didn’t agree to come but we don’t get all those concessions.

Silvagni: But all clubs get them don’t they? Are you saying I had an unfair advantage at GWS?

LoGiudice: Steve, building a great list at GWS is like building a million dollar business by inheriting one.

Trigg: Here, it’s like building one from multi-generational poverty.

LoGiudice: And a stint in prison.

Silvagni: I think I need a drink.

LoGiudice: I think we all do.

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  1. StephenFarrelly

    Normally I love you Titus, but the GWS digs are a bit much. It’s a different game and situation up here in NSW, also none of these kids were proven – they’ve built a team and culture of drive after being under the pump — and a laughing stock — for three seasons. It’s a success story aided only in part by a few concessions. No one could know they’d be at the level they are now back when it was being constructed.
    Also, I hope Silvagni can fix things. I’m a Blues supporter and take your hatred of them with a laughing grain of salt week in, week out because you’re a Melbourne supporter and have been where I am now for a while 🙂

  2. Dan Walden

    Darren McCall Ben Scambler Alasdair O’Brien hehehehe

  3. Ash Collins

    Francis the great man is on the way to sorting things out

  4. Francis Valente

    His son will be with us in a couple years. Then premiership.

  5. Kristie Wilkins

    Roseanna Khabbaz Barry Dwyer Paul Lewis Jason McEvan U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602 I’m so sorry u guys are going thru all this….!!! U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602

  6. Kristie Wilkins

    Cecilia Mansour Fakhry…oh hunney…don’t want u to miss out either…..!!!! U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602

  7. Roseanna Khabbaz

    You are bloody hilarious…he said U0001f61dU0001f61dU0001f61d

  8. Bruce Duncan

    Kale Mazurek Debra Duncan – poor Carl Ridgeway ..

  9. Debra Duncan

    ‘You gotta stop recruiting Collingwood players” hahaha

  10. Bruce Duncan

    LoGiudice: I had noticed something was up. It was all the losing.

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