This Friday, a pink ball will be used in the test between New Zealand and Australia, an act which threatens to single-handedly destroy the masculinity of the Australian cricket team.
Friday’s test isn’t some charity event either, it’s been done because this test will be partially played at night and the batsman are demanding to be able to see the ball.
The danger is immense. Everyone knows that pink is a girls’ colour and contact with it can instantly lower testosterone or worse, transfer girls’ germs, for which there is no known cure.
How did it get to this? Australian cricket is one of the last bastions of hyper-masculinity, a safe place for those of us who liked the 1950s just fine.
It’s the one place where men grow moustaches year round, commentators crack sexist jokes on national TV without sanction and where women are kept out of sight and out of mind, until we need someone to blame for a loss.
Into this sanctuary comes this pink globe, spinning its oestrogen everywhere and on everything.
It’s the biggest threat to the game since Channel Nine briefly pretended it would let a woman into the commentary box.
What’s next? Members of the Australian cricket team developing socially progressive views? Channel Nine commentators reflecting fifty years of social progress?
We all might as well watch Channel Ten’s Big Bash League coverage and just admit society is doomed.
Perhaps we should not be surprised the the collapse of society would begin in Adelaide but it doesn’t make this any less alarming.