The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Two

Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Collingwood (87) v Richmond (86)

Richmond losing a game they should have won on the big stage of Friday Night Footy? It all seems so unlikely but it happened! Who’d have thought.

This game reminded me of some of the terrible Carlton Friday night games of last year, if there were two Carlton’s playing each other.

There’s a lot to not like about these two sides. This was just awful footy, poor skills, bonehead decision making and the commentators talking up Travis Cloke all game despite years of evidence to the contrary. They’re worse than climate change deniers.

Seriously, he finished with nine possessions and kicked 1.3. If he wasn’t on the money he’s on he’d be in the VFL.

Richmond may have had a lot of injuries but there’s something fundamentally broken about them, a lot like Melbourne.

As soon as a certain set of circumstances present themselves they just fold. It was evident all game too. They were just off and Tigers fans would have been sitting there knowing it was on again or more accurately, wasn’t.

Watching Hardwick make the same excuses after this game made me admire the Tigers faithful all the more. How can they stomach this and for three more years?

Collingwood fans would have been thrilled to learn they won as they were on their way home from the MCG. It was a much needed win but for a club some thought were top four this year it was a pretty uninspiring performance.

Adelaide (144) v Port Adelaide (86)

‘Showdown’ could be false advertising really. ‘Beatdown’ has a more truthful ring to it, for that is what this was.

This is barely worth a match report as it wasn’t really a match. Adelaide just belted the living suitcases out of an undermanned Port Adelaide club who suddenly look a pale shade of that impressive 2014 side. In fact, without Robbie Gray this would have been even worse.

Who knows what has happened at the Power? I bet its David Koch’s fault whatever it is.

Adelaide fans must feel a lot better than they did last week, not only did they win but the Dangerfield Cats lost, happy days Crows fans.

Who was good for the Crows? Well they all were. It was like watching the Harlem Globetrotters come to town.

Next round sees the Power take on the Bombers. Could the Power be about to enter full crisis mode?

Essendon (80) v Biggest Joke in the League (67)

Nice try Richmond but Melbourne see your ‘losing to Collingwood’ and raise it.

Can you believe the Demons lost to the Bombers? Of course you can. In fact, how did any of us not believe that, even for a second?

How bad were the Demons? Well Channel Nine called them the ‘Devils’ after this loss. Major news organisations don’t even know or care who Melbourne are. And why would they?

Essendon as a club are a lot of things but they’ve got pride. When the world is closing in on them they march on the ‘G and defeat a side despite half their seniors not being able to play.

You can argue their problems are self inflicted (they are) but so are Melbourne’s. At least the Bombers say ‘screw that we’re going to fight’. Melbourne’s players said ‘gee, this is all a bit hard’.

The thing I admire about the Bombers is they fight. They fight even when they sometimes shouldn’t but it does mean they never give up. It’s sort of the point of a footy team.

They really should have won by more too if Joe Daniher could kick straight. It wasn’t a fluke either, don’t buy the Melbourne excuses, which we’ll look at in a moment. Essendon just worked harder, wanted it more and played better.

That’s the beauty of footy. You have 22 all having a go and you’ll challenge anyone. If you’re lucky enough to be playing Melbourne you’ll win too.

Paul Roos offered three excuses after the loss, lets look at them:

Players were ‘tired’

So I just checked and it’s round two. ROUND TWO. No, not round 22.

Apparently these ‘athletes’ are too tired to beat a team who had 11 senior players suspended this year.

If only we had a highly paid senior coach who’d been there a few years to get the right fitness levels into them. How the media pack didn’t burst out laughing when he said this is beyond me. Beyond.

I must have also missed the bit where Essendon got a bye week in round one too and were fresh as a daisy.

Chose the wrong side


Roos said they chose the wrong side, conveniently throwing Angus Brayshaw under the bus while doing so.

Considering Melbourne currently have two senior coaches, I would have thought this could have been handled by someone.

Melbourne lacked ‘respect’ for Essendon

Why would the Demons disrespect anyone? They haven’t won two games in a row since 2011. They are the laughing stock of the league and have been for a decade. They don’t even respect themselves.

Paul Roos, ladies and gentlemen, worth every million.

It makes you wonder why Demons fans continue to spend our hard inherited on this club.

Brisbane (83) v North Melbourne (117)

North employed the old tactic here of sitting back and letting your opponent shoot itself in the foot and several other body parts too.

Brisbane’s midfield made more mistakes than the person who keeps giving Daryl Somers’ TV shows.

Their defence is bad too, making Jarrad Waite look like Wayne Carey at his peak, I know, that bad.

In fairness, the defence can only do so much when the midfield consistently hands the ball to the opposition.

The sad bit was the effort was there but the execution was just wasteful.

North fans should be pretty happy, they’ve started the season 2-0 and without really hitting top gear. For a club that’s known for being unpredictable they’ve won two games they should have won while the rest of the league has been all over the place.

St Kilda (36) v Western Bulldogs (93)

Premiership favourites the Western Bulldogs continued their march to certain glory with a dominant performance over the Saints on Saturday night.

People are calling the Bulldog’s style of football ‘sexy’ and I couldn’t agree more. Nothing like watching a game of AFL to get you in the mood, right up there with oysters and rhino’s horn.

Problem is, I’ve always found no one else feels the same way. That may also be because I never leave the house and hate people.

Anyway, the Bulldogs are so far matching the hype although Freo and St Kilda appear to not be top four material this year.

I’m all aboard the Bulldogs bandwagon though, they’ve got talent everywhere and Beveridge seems to be one of those rare coaches who knows what he’s doing.

Next week they play up and comers Hawthorn. Exciting!

Fremantle (100) v Gold Coast (126)

Well the good news is Ross Lyon seems to have moved away from focusing on defence. I’m not sure what aspect of the game he’s now focused on. Maybe the nice weather in Perth has him no longer as focused on football at all.

That may be partly why footy is so popular in Melbourne, I mean, what else are you going to do in winter?

We all knew Ross never invested in the longer term future of his teams but now we’re in the weird position of seeing what happens with him still there. It’s going to be fun, well, not for Dockers supporters but for everyone else.

After this performance, only Nat Fyfe could walk off, man bun held high with 34 possessions and three goals. That guy is really good at football.

A word of caution about the Dockers, two rounds of football is probably not enough to determine a trend, the Dockers might not be dead, just sleeping. Next week the Eagles get to poke them with a stick and find out.

The Suns are suddenly not a shambles. The Victorians that retired to the Gold Coast must be excited. Turns out getting off the booze improves your performance immensely. I should try it when I write this column.

Tom Lynch is the player many thought him to be with an equal career-high five goals while Dion Prestia had 24 disposals and two goals and Aaron Hall got the ball 32 times and used it well.

I better start learning the names of more Suns players I guess. I’ve got by this long only knowing Gary Ablett.

Greater Western Sydney (89) v Geelong (76)

Lucky Geelong won the Grand Final last week or they’d be pretty upset down in sleepy hollow today.

How footy can changed. Last week the Giants lost to Melbourne and the Cats beat Hawthorn. It’s like the footy gods don’t want you to tip well.

There were many highlights for the Giants, Shane Mumford tackled Mitch Duncan so hard that people’s windows broke across Canberra.

Geelong were obviously overawed being in the nation’s capital, easy to get distracted by the pace of the place and as a result they looked out of sorts for most of the game.

I checked and Patrick Dangerfield did play but they still lost, which doesn’t make any sense at all. I thought he had fixed all the Cats problems? Very strange.

The Cats made a few attempts to get back into the game and the Giants deserve credit for staying on top.

The most painful bit for Geelong fans though would be the fact their former star Stevie J was one of the stars for the Giants, booting two and laying a few heavy bumps on his former teammates.

What hurt most is he seemed to really enjoy it.

Hawthorn (99) v West Coast (53)

Never forget March 28 to April 3 2016- Hawthorn’s dark period. Well done staying strong Hawks fans, it can’t have been easy.

I guess this is why we play 23 rounds of footy before playing finals rather than one, teams can have off days (or decades).

The Eagles would have thought this was a chance to show they had learnt from the mistakes of last year but instead they seemed to make new ones and some old ones too.

To think that the Hawks were without Roughead and Hodge in this one. Probably best if Eagles fans don’t think about that too much.

The Hawks were sublime and looked incredibly motivated. I guess spending a week with an angry Alastair Clarkson is enough to motivate anyone.

The Eagles crumbled faster than the United States’ political system under the pressure of the Hawks. Their skills just couldn’t hold up.

Josh Gibson had 44 possessions for the Hawks across half back, just feasting on the poor disposal and even kicked a goal, his first for the Hawks.

If Josh Gibson’s kicking goals against you, you’re a bit off a Premiership.

Carlton (71) v Sydney (131)

These Swans keep finding good players don’t they? Might need to do more than ban them trading. Maybe stop them drafting players too? Perhaps if they weren’t allowed to have players?

Luke Parker was excellent again and Swans fans have already embraced Tom Papley who booted two.

Buddy was back to being Buddy and it was glorious.

Carlton tried in this one but let’s be honest, (and I feel this is a safe space) hanging in with Richmond does not a season make. I mean Collingwood beat Richmond and Collingwood are terrible.

So round two done. Good to see Hawks and Swans back on top while Richmond and Melbourne making us laugh again. Balance restored. Just need those pesky Bulldogs to stop showing off.

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  1. An9ellus

    TitusOReily hawthorns dark period Haha some of your best work

  2. AzzKikA79

    TitusOReily Are you sure Dangerfield played? I pretty sure he didn’t.

  3. Michael Panourias

    Bobby Ryan read Dee’s knee jerk U0001f602U0001f602

  4. Juryduty81

    TitusOReily it worries me you treated north so kindly. Thats unlike you.

  5. Casey White

    Jack Vogan Jordan Dennis Beau Greenway arguably the best thing about footy season is that the Lord Titus is back with his yarns.

  6. James Dunne

    Brings a tear to the eye to see the dogs actually getting rated by other clubs. We welcome all the bandwagon jumpers – come aboard, there’s plenty of room

  7. Geoff Schaefer

    When my hyperlink didn’t work I wondered whether Paul Roos was doing your IT Titus.

  8. Casey White

    As is the Richmond item. And poor Titus being very upset with his Demons. Just ripping all of them

  9. Jordan Dennis

    There is a nice little dig at Richmond there too which Beau Greenway will love…

  10. Chris Holding

    Just need those pesky Bulldogs to stop showing off U0001f602U0001f44cU0001f436

  11. shamimus

    TitusOReily I’ve been waiting all day for this to make sense of Round 2. Makes more sense now, thanks.

  12. Nt11Smd

    TitusOReily Gold Titus. Always the highlight of my Monday’s in footy season

  13. KRUDLER62

    TitusOReily “It makes you wonder why Demons fans continue to spend our hard inherited on this club.”
    #puregold U0001f44d

  14. Lucy Henningham

    Nikki Henningham Robert Henningham When you are reading the knee jerk reaction in the library and have to step out of the silent area because you are laughing so much.

  15. Edna Merkle

    I didn’t see Patrick during the Geelong game. Has he gone back to Adelaide already?

  16. Nikki Henningham

    I know – he just has an excellent way with words….

  17. Bonjour_Pippy

    TitusOReily I don’t think school kids would avoid detention feigning tiredness. Is Roos too tired to come up with a plausible excuse?

  18. Bonjour_Pippy

    TitusOReily I don’t think school kids would avoid detention feigning tiredness. Is Roos too tired to come up with a plausible excuse?

  19. Chip Ayres

    I appreciated the extended narration of Melbourne’s excuses, Ned Whitehouse. I can’t help but think that Titus O’Reily was genuinely upset about the loss, because I saw no Jake Melksham-inspired joke.

  20. Lucy Henningham

    A highlight for me was when we compares the commentators talking up Travis Cloke to Climate change deniers hahahahah!

  21. Sacha Pryer

    Jamie-Lee next week the Eagles get to poke us with a stick to see if we’re sleeping and not dead U0001f606

  22. Christine Boulter

    Lol thank god for you Titus I needed a laugh!

  23. Sarah Hall

    Hahahhahahaha this article is amazing Chelsea Hall particularly the parts about Collingwood, Richmond, Essendon and Melbourne!

  24. Snert Underpant

    I’m sure D’s fans will be unhappy with three years stagnation under Roos, but at least they didn’t spend a ridiculous amount of money to get him. Oh…, hang on..

  25. digitalwoch

    TitusOReily after woeful displays over the weekend you just got the feeling this was going to be SPECIAL, it was

  26. Timothy Alexander Black

    Titus is back to his best Anton Kolliner

  27. Ritchie Gardner

    Scotty Millardship Jayden Perez Bradley James

  28. Dan Tieman

    The bit on Richmond hurts but I love you and want you to be head coach Titus. I know you have more self respect than that but a manboy like myself can dream

  29. digitalwoch

    Bonjour_Pippy TitusOReily Roo$ is very tired having taken on a job he never wanted and waiting three long years to get all his money

  30. Mark Lucas

    Andrew I swear that’s you writing the piece about the dees

  31. Ash Elkins

    Jamie Lowe “I never leave the house and I hate people”

  32. Andrew Surrao

    Couldn’t have written it better myself!! nothing surprises me anymore, weak club!!!! Still angry and shattered lol

  33. Tyler Winton

    Trent Dolling keep on this guy while you’re away, you’ll stay up to date U0001f609

  34. BreeBarclay

    Titus, I love you but your comments regarding the Richmond v Collingwood are a little disappointing. They demonstrate a worrying slip in your skill for sarcasm. Lift.

  35. Alison Brown

    This is excellent this week Nathan and Mark U0001f60aU0001f60a

  36. Adam Busby

    Everyone please get off Melbourne’s case. Can’t anyone understand that it’s been a long arduous season and the poor boys are tired… (Whereas my Tigers are just incompetent)

  37. Satchmopugdog

    TitusOReily lots of feeling in that one. Good job

  38. Matt Mason

    You make the start of the working week bearable, cheers!

  39. cburnett1019

    TitusOReily well said mate, especially the Melbourne jokers! God all I want is a team that can play 4 quarters of honest footy…

  40. TitusOReily

    cburnett1019 I’d settle for three quarters at this stage!

  41. cburnett1019

    TitusOReily yes of course I was greedy, we’ll get to four in around 5 years where our ‘developing’ players will finally find their feet…

  42. TitusOReily

    cburnett1019 Need an expensive premiership winning coach.

  43. cburnett1019

    TitusOReily Roos will be the only one to receive any fortunes out of our 3 year misfortunes #roosmillions

  44. RexhatesFB

    TitusOReily agreed. The MFC are a disgrace. Hogans a sook. What a weak performance.

  45. kazmo23

    TitusOReily hope Mike Fitzpatrick doesn’t read this. Don’t want him to get more ideas of ways to nobble the Swans!

  46. not_that_CK

    TitusOReily Great read Titus. Maybe Ross Lyon has reversed his usual method and is resting at the *start* of the season?

  47. warrior308

    TitusOReily A bit of fire in the belly this week. Looking forward to the Podcast version!

  48. Jamie-Lee Cavill Chin

    Perfect summary! I really hope we’re just sleeping.

  49. Rachel Kelly

    Hahaha Susan Kelly ull have to get dad to read this U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602

  50. Matt Bretag

    Can we have an article on Dangerfield please? What he’s up to / who he plays for / how happy he is etc? Feel free to use the above as a template.

  51. Cath Wallace

    Did you read this Ben Van Zeyl and Lachlan Cameron?? Its a good one

  52. Wade McKay

    Simon Brown Robert Henderson
    This is amazing. You must read this every week.

  53. Brendan Montgomery

    “If Josh Gibson is kicking goals against you your a bit off a premiership” haha best sentence in whole article U0001f601

  54. Efti Pavlou

    My favourite was the Brisbane midfield making as many mistakes as the person who keeps giving Daryl Somers TV shows…

  55. Kiwi Pie

    Great read.
    I left the Pies game 4 minutes early, and had the pleasure of having an old bloke berate Buckley et al in one ear, and the MMM team rawkin’footy in the other. I waited till old mate took a breath, then calmly informed him we’d won. “Really? Hmm. Still, we’re bloody terrible.” Couldn’t have agreed more.

  56. Mick_EFC

    Sorry about the Dees game Titus, I really thought winning 2 in a row was a done deal this round but the impossible happened again. As depressing as it’s been to be a Bombers supporter these past few years, it’s always good to remember at least I’m not a Dees supporter. 

    You’ve got 1 more chance this season to make it happen with Richmond and Collingwood rounds 4-5, best of luck!

  57. Caitlin Slattery

    Elizabeth Matjacic, Doug Hendry, Claire Slattery: we survived “March 28 to April 3 2016- Hawthorn’s dark period”. Phew!

  58. Elizabeth Matjacic

    It was a very dark time but thankfully we got through it with the love and support of our friends 😉

  59. mejackg15

    TitusOReily sorry off topic but is your excellent podcasts still gong please? I keep getting “network connection could not be made”

  60. TitusOReily

    mejackg15 Someone changed something and stuffed it and they are now working on fixing it. They will then be let go. Should be up soon.

  61. N10McIntyre

    TitusOReily re journos reaction to “players were tired” – shocked into silence? I know I was. And we thought “it’s the fans fault” was bad.

  62. Warrick Clinch

    Read this Raymond Ashley Clinch you’ll love it!

  63. MacHawk

    Have you resigned yourself to liking Hawthorn ? I am almost disappointed.

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