Brendon Gale: Damian, you got a second?
Damien Hardwick: Sure, but I’m not up to date on House Husbands so don’t say anything. I’ve been streaming them. You stream them over the internet.
Gale: Damien, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
Hardwick: What is it?
Gale: The board look like extending your contract.
Hardwick: What’s the good news?
Gale: What? No that is the good news. The bad news is there’s a heavy performance component. Basically your package revolves around you winning a final.
Hardwick: That’s outrageous!
Gale: The board just feel that after five seasons it would be really good to win a final.
Hardwick: Why are they rushing me?
Gale: To be fair, you’ve had a decent chunk of time. Uber launched about the same time you were appointed. You’re basically pre-Uber and you still haven’t won us a single final. Whole industries have been disrupted during your tenure.
Hardwick: Well it’s easier to disrupt a global industry than win a final with Richmond.
Gale: That’s true but Damien, we’ve had about a thousand Prime Ministers in that time. Melbourne have had fifty logos!
Hardwick: But where’s the respect for what I’ve accomplished? Do you know how many memes I’ve prevented just by not finishing ninth?
Gale: I know and everyone in the social media team is really grateful. They’ve got a little shrine to you and everything. I just don’t see preventing memes as being a key performance indicator of a great coach.
Hardwick: Now who’s not keeping up with the way technology changes an industry.
Gale: Look Damien, be grateful. You lost a final to a team that didn’t make the finals. I had previously thought that was impossible.