A Highly Unhelpful Guide to AFL Round 2


All times AEDT except Sunday which is AEST because daylight savings ends and we’ll all be exhausted for a week and it will be horrendous.

Collingwood v Richmond (MCG) 7.50pm

Remember when people were saying Collingwood would be back in the eight this season and some people had them in their top four?  Ha! Ha!

Oh man they were simpler times. We were all so innocent back then, all the way back in last Friday.

To be honest, why anyone rated Collingwood was beyond me but people just love that Jesse White/Travis Cloke one-two punch and the Pies continuous downward trajectory under Buckley.

This is being played on April Fools Day, which someone meaner than me might say refers to these two teams’ recent decisions to extend their senior coaches recently.

April Fools’ should always be these two team’s blockbuster. We could call it the ‘Treloar Cup’.

So who to tip? Really, who knows? The Tigers have numerous injuries and hardly fill you with enormous confidence at the best of times.

Collingwood didn’t even play last week so they should at least be well rested.

I’m tipping the Tigers but only because Collingwood picked Travis Cloke again, so they’re obviously tanking.


Adelaide v Port Adelaide (AO) 1.45pm

There is nothing bigger than a Showdown. In Adelaide that is.

There’s heaps of bigger things in my home town of Melbourne. Like graffiti covered lanes and, ummm, the ‘world famous’ Arts Spire. Oh, coffee, we have lots of coffee. Take that Adelaide.

Port Adelaide surprised people last week by not losing to St Kilda. Maybe they are on their way back this season.

It would be good if they were, they are incredibly exciting when they are at their best.

Adelaide were competitive against North last week but losing Dangerfield has meant they have one less elite midfielder (did that sound like proper analysis? It was both obvious and included the word ‘elite’).

I’m picking Adelaide here, mainly because I feel uncomfortable tipping a side with Jimmy Toumpas in their best 22.

Essendon v Melbourne (MCG) 2.10pm

Before this game, Essendon are doing their ‘Make a Stand’ thingy.

I still don’t really understand what it’s about. Apparently they’re making a stand ‘for their future’. Fine by me I guess.

I mean, it was the previous administration that stuffed their present and their future so make a stand against them until the cows come home. It should be called ‘Making a stand against our massive self inflicted wound’.

Melbourne supporters won’t be participating in the ‘Make a Stand’ theatrics but will be doing their traditional ‘drinking in the Members for the opening five minutes of the first quarter.’ It’s a sacred ceremony, as old as time.

The Demons have a real chance to win two games in a row here, which shouldn’t be a big deal but for them it is. As a Dees supporter, I imagine the feeling I’ve had all week is what other supporters have before a Grand Final.

I think the Dees should get it done here. They are starting to look very different from the loveable losers we’ve seen for the past decade.

If Melbourne can’t win this, I hope Roos walks into AFL House and hands back all the money they’ve given him.

If Melbourne do win, I think all the credit has to go to Simon Godwin.

Brisbane v North Melbourne (G) 4.35pm

So this should be good, I guess. Brisbane were not exactly great last week but many a team has gone to Perth and had the Eagles destroy them.

This may be a more reasonable test of where they are this year, although it’s against North who cause more false positives in footy than any other team.

Brisbane will be celebrating Josh Schache reaching the milestone of two games in this one, like when people who have just started dating annoyingly say ‘it’s our month anniversary’ and they’re all so happy.

I’m so lonely.

Anyway, North to win this one.

St Kilda v Western Bulldogs (ES) 7.25pm

Nick Riewoldt plays his 300th games this week. That’s a fair effort.

I once played a full 82 game season on NBA2K so I have some sense of what an achievement this is. Just the training, the overcoming physical injury, eating all those snacks.

Personally, I don’t think St Kilda are as far off the Bulldogs as last week’s results suggest. St Kilda upset the Doggies in pretty spectacular fashion last season, coming back from a 55-point deficit.

Still, the Bulldogs were pretty impressive last week but you feel the fact their opponent didn’t turn up may have helped them a bit.

I’m tipping the Bulldogs; they have the talent but it may be closer than people think.

Fremantle v Gold Coast (SO) 7.40pm

Can you imagine flying back to Perth with Ross Lyon after that performance last week? No one would have been brave enough to take a photo with Lyon on that flight.

I can’t imagine the Dockers doing that again and I think it’s a little early to write them off.

The Suns welcomed back Gary Ablett like some long lost saviour last week and they certainly don’t look like an embarrassing basket case when he’s playing.

The Dockers get Aaron Sandilands back for this one though which should make a difference,

I’m tipping Freo.


GWS Giants v Patrick Dangerfield (StarTrack Oval) 1.10pm

The Jeremy Cameron-less Giants take on the 2016 premiers elect. What a shame for the Cats there’s those pesky 22 rounds left to play.

Still, the Cats have unearthed Patrick Dangerfield, previously unheralded in Adelaide, who has truly arrived on the scene and I predict will soon be a household name.

With Patrick on board, I’m bullish about the Cats. I think they can definitely possibly be back in the eight. A lot of people got even more excited than that after one victory against the Box Hill Hawks but when it comes to predicting these things, people are idiots (I include myself in this).

Stevie J will take on his old side in this one. He’s copped a lot of flak this week for taking selfish shots and missing against Melbourne. As a Melbourne supporter I say ‘let Stevie J be Stevie J’.

I’m tipping the Cats but it’s more because the Giants currently have no forward line than any amazing faith in Geelong just yet.

Hawthorn v West Coast Eagles (MCG) 3.20pm

Luke Hodge is an out, Jarrod Roughhead is out, is this the end of the Hawks? I mean we can all hope so but they had a lot of injuries last year (and unnecessary suspensions) and still managed to come good.

This is the Grand Final rematch and last year the Hawks made the Eagles look ordinary. The ‘web defence’ turned out to be code for ‘let Rioli do whatever he wants’.

The Eagles should have learnt a lot from that and you’d think this would be a good chance to knock off the Hawks. I’m no so sure.

If this was being held in Perth, I’d tip the Eagles no problem but at the ‘G I’m going with the Hawks. I’m not confident though.

Carlton v Sydney Swans (ES) 4.40pm

The Swans looked amazing last week but Collingwood had a hand in making them look so great. That said, the younger talent on the Swans looks very good and Buddy’s return puts the Swans back in the Premiership discussion.

I was going to pick the Swans here, but then I saw Dale Thomas is an in for the Blues and now I’m not so confident.

It’s nice of Carlton to give him a send off game at least.

The Blues are definitely better under Bolton but not as much as many people think. It’s still going to be a long season.

The Swans for me in this one.

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  1. Sam o'Brien

    Edward Crimmins Ross Thompson James Venn Luke Sierp…it’s a good one this week lads!

  2. Corey Wickert

    I’ve tipped the same although I expect WC to do a number on the Hawks

  3. Liam Johnson

    Julian Makin lost it at treloar cup, Toumpas and Daisy’s send off game U0001f44c

  4. Heath Linton

    Highly unhelpful, come on I rely on this for my own tipping every week 🙂 Titus O’Reily

  5. Malcolm Makkinga

    Does the link not working make it more or less unhelpful?

  6. mitchprice85

    TitusOReily was the story not opening up for any other poor souls?

  7. Alex Houston

    Neale Houston here’s a fun read for on the train.

  8. Bonjour_Pippy

    TitusOReily Great recall remembering the Eagles ‘Web Defense’ which threatened to cause grave concern!

  9. Jason Davies

    Will check out the heading for the Cats game hahaha

  10. Paul Fildes

    The web defence means let rioli do whatever he wants, so true. Ryan Bown

  11. David O'Shaughnessy

    Scott Donaldson Luke Crossling Tim Hancock when are you guys changing the club name to Moggs creek. Just asking

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