FIFA: We need a less obviously corrupt President

FIFA power brokers say the eight-year banning of Sepp Blatter sends a clear message that they want a president who is more sophisticated at hiding corruption.

“We all know world football is spectacularly corrupt and no one is seriously expecting a change to a system that has worked so well,” said a FIFA spokesperson.

“You think the TV networks, the sponsors and everyone involved haven’t known about this all along? They’ve never cared before, they only care know because everyone knows about it. It has become super awkward.”

A CEO of a major FIFA sponsor said he was hopeful a new President would distribute bribes in a more careful and subtle manner.

“There are 209 federations who are members of FIFA, from all parts of the globe. You’re going to need bribes to make that work and lots of them.”

“But you can’t have people like the FBI or the US State Department upset that the bribery system isn’t working for the United States, that’s just bad management.

“We’re happy to pour heaps of money into the sport but we don’t want to know what happens to it. Bribe smart, that’s all we’re asking.”

A senior TV executive said she thought picking somewhere that was only slightly colder than the Sun for a World Cup probably made the widespread corruption a bit obvious.

“People could have stomached Russia if the one after was somewhere nice and western-y and didn’t kill lots of people while building stadiums that would only be used for a month.”

“While pretty much everyone involved with FIFA stayed quiet about that at the time, it was probably a misstep.”

A head of a major Football Federation said Sepp had been a great briber for a long time but had just got careless.

“Sepp’s big mistake was staying on that bit too long. It’s certainly going to make getting rich through kick backs and side deals that little bit harder for a few years.”

“We’ll find a way though. If there’s one thing that you can bet on, it’s that corruption in world sport will always find a way. There’s something really comforting about that.”

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  1. ColMcTweet

    TitusOReily still can’t believe Sepp Blatter resigned before James Hird.

  2. Paul Stenhouse

    What was the name of that bloke from the Melbourne Storm? Brian Waldron??

  3. Steve Sioulas

    Still corrupt but not as bad as Blatter? Sounds great lol

  4. Penny Beitzel

    Invitations for Expressions of interest have been sent to Essendon and Carlton Football CLubs.

  5. Tony TC

    Maybe he should get a gig with some greyhounds’ associations in Australia?

  6. Joanne Everett

    Wish I was a vice president! All the money for me to spend!

  7. Malcolm Makkinga

    Mastering corruption properly is a one Sepp process.

  8. Geoff Schaefer

    Just an appalling overeaction to the age old protocol that Power Offers Opportuniy (POO). Who amongst us hasn’t stolen toilet paper from the office loo, paper clips, the odd pen, half a ream of printing paper. It’s the Ozzie way.

  9. Joanne Everett

    Thiefa, I ask my self why Asia and Africa have escaped the indepth corruption scandals! Oh, none of their Governments or Sporting bodies are under investigation. Hope international banks have to cough out their records. Pity.

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