FIFA: Our only crime is loving football and breathtaking corruption

The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) says it is only guilty of loving football and widespread, breathtaking corruption.

Speaking from their multi-million dollar headquarters in Zürich, President Sepp Blatter said he expected the US Justice Department and the F.B.I. to only find FIFA officials guilty of ‘caring too much.’

“This investigation only hurts the people who rely on our regular bribes to support their lavish lifestyles.”

“If you really think about it, we are a welfare organisation for really rich people. The US government and us are therefore not that different you see?”

Mr Blatter said if maintaining his position of power through a complex system of bribery is wrong, he never wants to be right.

“Everything I’ve ever done has been driven by a deep love of football, power and wealth.”

“This includes putting our flagship event in a place where homosexuality is illegal, workers are abused and regularly die and the temperature never drops below thirty degrees.”

FIFA said an independent report into corruption that they actually did, had already fully cleared them of any wrongdoing.

“Our independent report that we did into ourselves was very clear, we have done nothing wrong, ever,” said Senior Vice-President Issa Hayatou.

“That report cost us a lot of money, it had really nice photos and was printed on really shiny paper.”

“They can’t investigate us again, it’s Double Jeopardy, like that movie with Ashley Judd and Tommy Lee Jones.

“What’s Ashley Judd up to these days anyway? She was great in Heat.

A FIFA spokesperson said they were hopeful to settle this matter quickly.

“As a gesture of our desire to co-operate with authorities, I have several rather large suitcase full of money for both the FBI and the Justice Department. Just tell me where and when.”

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  1. Paul Stenhouse

    Dirty corrupt sport… But little wonder it’s corrupt… Nothing else to do during all those nil all draws!

  2. Mark Jenkins

    the World Game they call it – perhaps ‘the best money can buy’ is a better description?

  3. TheRenolution

    TitusOReily OMG, I almost choked from laughing to hard

  4. Malcolm Makkinga

    FIFA. The best sporting administrators money can buy.

  5. Clint Buchanan

    Even the woman at the back of the photo is an imposter…….

  6. Steve Aslan

    You idiot stenhouse , stick to no necks bum sniffing .

  7. Fraser Stewart

    don’t tell me you are all surprised? i love AFL and soccer and most people knew they were corrupt for years now

  8. Paul Stenhouse

    Nice of you to get personal Steve… I am more then entitled to my own opinion on whatever I like. It is small minded people like you who can do nothing but abuse and name call that simply confirm me theories regarding the sport of soccer and the sort of thugs that watch the sport… Flares. Violence… Corruption… Need I say more… And btw, I’m originally from Melbourne and support AFL above anything. So yet another thing you are incorrect about. Have a nice day. Hopefully I haven’t used too many large words for you.

  9. Penny Beitzel

    We love football, meatpies, kangaroos and golden bars ….

  10. Joanne Everett

    Septic Bladder, sorry Sepp Blatter, leak. Can he hold it in or will incontinence leak?

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