Australian head coach Darren Lehmann has conceded not selecting any cricketers contributed to Australia’s disastrous first innings at Trent Bridge.
“Hindsight is 20/20 but a score of 60 runs all out suggests selecting some people with a working knowledge of a cricket bat would have been beneficial.”
Cricket Australia have put out a call to any Australians currently in England who have played cricket at any level to make themselves known.
“We’re looking for anyone who’s ever held a cricket bat in anger. Beach cricket, kanga cricket, backyard cricket, Crown & Andrews Test Match,” said Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland.
“Anyone who knows the difference between the handle to the other end of the bat really.
“People who have shown a history of trying and not surrendering the minute things are tough would be nice too.”
Lehmann says he takes full responsibility for not selecting cricketers and admits it’s embarrassing that he contributed to Stuart Broad looking good.
“I understand that to Australians, Stuart Broad’s happiness is the salt in the gaping wound and for that I offer an unreserved apology.”
However, Captain Michael Clarke said being an Australian batsman at the moment is nice work if you can get it.
“I wouldn’t call it work. It’s more like collecting millions of dollars for a brief public appearance.”
“Now that runs aren’t an essential criteria for the job, it opens up being an Australian cricketer as a career for millions of people.”
Australian cricket fan Sara Thomas said the Australian team should donate their salaries to all the alcohol she’ll need to try to forget this indelible stain on Australia’s soul.