Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Western Bulldogs (80) v Carlton (59)

Sorry this is a day late. I was travelling back from the Sydney Comedy Festival on Monday and my laptop was also not cooperating to add to the degree of difficulty.

I’ve just finished 25 shows in about a month in Melbourne and Sydney and wanted to begin by saying a big thank you to everyone who came along. It was great to meet so many of you too.

I will have a few announcements about other dates in other cities soon.

Apparently, this was such a terrible week of football we need to completely reinvent the game. At least that seems to be the media’s reaction.

Perhaps they are all forgetting the massive highlight that was Carlton having their worst start to a season in its VFL/AFL history.

The Blues are 0-6, and Carlton supporters have to be wondering if anything vaguely resembling competency will ever be associated with their club again.

Really, Carlton are Patrick Cripps, then daylight, then more daylight, then nothing.

Building a team comprising of players lacking the basic skills used in Australian Rules is a strange approach and the results show why the good teams don’t take this approach.

Not that the Bulldogs were much better. They were just lucky that for each of their turnovers, the Blues had several million.

Probably the biggest concern emerging from this game is for Channel Seven. Calling this ‘Friday Night Footy’ could be seen as misleading and deceptive conduct.

‘Friday Night We’re Sorry About This’ would be more accurate.

You know a game was garbage when Lin Jong copping a ball to the face and Caleb Daniel’s helmet breaking are the only highlights.

Geelong (69) v Sydney (86)

It’s hard to overstate what an impressive win this was for the Swans and how disappointing a loss it was for the Cats.

At Geelong’s home ground, GKFGNWRKLNLKN Stadium or whatever nonsense they’re calling it, the Cats led by 22 points at three quarter time.

That should have really been it. Geelong don’t lose at home from positions like that, especially when the Swans had a host of injuries, including Buddy Franklin.

But the fourth quarter would see the Swans slam on seven goals to one, as Josh Kennedy decided to win the game for Sydney.

It’s not uncommon to see Kennedy carrying several tacklers but this time he also had his entire team on his back.

Geelong’s much vaunted midfield wilted in the face of this onslaught, seemingly being allergic to creating centre clearances.

If the Cats can lose at home despite leading at three quarter time, what hope do our tips have this season?

North Melbourne (69) v Port Adelaide (102)

Port entered this game after a busy week featuring the Sam Powell-Pepper controversy hanging around, Hamish Hartlett suffering a season ending knee injury at training and Lindsay Thomas’ annual suspension.

With all that going on, you could understand if they were a bit distracted.

These problems were all compounded by the fact they were facing North ‘nowhere near as awful as everyone thought’ Melbourne at Etihad.

North though, after their heroics the week before, seemed flat. Their free-flowing style of the week before was gone, as the Power simply out tackled and out worked them.

The Kangaroos weren’t terrible, they were just always kept at arm’s length by the Power, whose only negative was Chad Wingard going off with a hamstring injury.

Ben Brown was apparently ‘well held’ in this one, kicking only four goals. I bet other key forwards wish they could be well held like that.

Greater Western Sydney (77) v Brisbane (43)

I travelled out to Spotless Stadium for this, due to being in Sydney andI must say, the stadium is magnificent.

The first thing you notice is it has really good food, which makes me wonder why every single other ground in Australia can’t have good food?

While the crowd wasn’t massive, I was impressed there was a crowd at all for this game, and that they stayed and watched the whole thing.

It was awful. The Lions, after flirting with ability early in the season have really found their groove as a mediocre team.

Watching Greater Western Sydney barely get out of first gear and still win was hardly the sort of thing to inspire anyone.

Still, there were gourmet burgers, noodles, kebabs, lots of easily accessible beer.

Why am I going on about this? Because it’s way more interesting than this game was.

I came away from Spotless impressed by the operation out there. If footy doesn’t take off there, it won’t be from a lack of trying.

Hawthorn (89) v St Kilda (54)

The Saints are turning poor goalkicking into an artform this season and in this, they might have produced their Sistine Chapel.

It was when Tim Membrey strode into an open goal and hit the post from point blank range that you knew this side is truly committed to butchering every opportunity.

In fairness, while their goal kicking gets all the attention, their skills across the ground are terrible.

I can only assume that hitting a target is against St Kilda’s team rules.

It seems that instead of improving skills over the offseason, they’ve gotten significantly worse.

This seems counterintuitive to how practicing a skill usually works; if my countless hours of FIFA are anything to go by.

Hawthorn weren’t exactly putting on a clinic either, but the way the Saints were playing, it really didn’t matter.

With games like this being played down there, I wonder if Tasmania’s desire for an AFL team is waning?

Adelaide (110) v Gold Coast (62)

The Crows continue to add to their impressive list of hamstring injuries with Taylor Walker suffering one in this game.

Last year the Crows focused on having appendix surgeries, so this is at least a nice change.

The Crows took Tex off in the second quarter due to what they called "hamstring awareness".

There’s nothing more terrifying than suddenly becoming aware of your hamstrings.

“Ahhhh! I have hamstrings! Why didn’t someone tell me?”

Usually people are much younger when this happens.

Apart from the Walker injury, this was a leisurely stroll for the Crows who at times look bored.

The Suns made a tactical mistake at the selection table, choosing a side that only consisted of David Swallow.

Swallow was fine but picking just one player is rarely going to get things done.

Essendon (72) v Melbourne (108)

My eyes are still sore from watching the first half of this.

It was so awful that it was somewhat fitting it was being played at Etihad Stadium, whose surface seemed to resemble sand spray painted green.

The first half was like both sides had thrown down the gauntlet to see who could destroy the hopes and dreams of their fans the most.

Fittingly, both sides fumbled picking up that gauntlet for the entire first half until the Bombers emerged in the second half with it firmly in hand.

The Bombers seem to be rewarding the fans who stuck with them through their darkest ever period with some sort of torture.

You know you’re in trouble when you look back at the era of the top up players fondly.

Melbourne really came to life in the second, as the seemed to suddenly remember how to play football and that you need to kick goals to win.

While a relief for the Demons fans, you’re not always going to have the Bombers to play you back into form or let you get away with a half the quality of the first.

Collingwood (70) v Richmond (113)

Reading the media after this made me have to go back and check that Richmond did win.

Apparently, Collingwood not being blown away early is now a win for the Pies. Talk about lowering expectations.

I mean, this was a 43-point win, which last time I checked was significant. Forty-three points is a lot. It’s usually considered a percentage booster.

It’s true the Pies were competitive, but once the Tigers decided it was time to shift up a gear, Collingwood were done.

Still, I’m happy to live in a world where the Pies are happy with a 43-point loss.

The Tigers are just travelling along nicely. They control the whole game, know when they need to lift and when they do they don’t just win, they break teams.

They’re like a vice that just gets tighter and tighter until the pressure snaps their opponent in two.

A lot of people are complaining that Tigers supporters are becoming unbearable. I wasn’t aware this was a new phenomenon.

Fremantle (81) v West Coast (89)

When a West Coast fan burnt a Fremantle jumper outside the stadium, he received a lot of condemnation.

But I imagine within the AFL merchandising department the stirrings of an idea begun and it won’t be long until official flammable jumpers are available at all grounds.

You have to admit, if the AFL can get you to by your opponent’s jumper they’d be thrilled, especially if you then immediately set fire to it.

This derby had a lot of heat, given the Ross Glendinning Medal controversy that threatened to plunge the world into war last week.

It turns out ending the Korean War was easier than negotiating this medal controversy.

This was a great game though and isn’t it good to see it buried on a Sunday afternoon instead of prime time?

Why have a highly competitive, entertaining game in prime time when you can have Carlton?

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