A guide to Perth for Hawks and Kangaroos fans

This week, North Melbourne and Hawthorn fans will travel to the mystical city of Perth to watch their teams play.

As a Victorian footy writer, I’m the perfect person to provide a guide to Perth because like most Victorian footy writers I barely know it exists.

Just like the the majority of Eastern states’ media coverage of the Western Australian teams, my guide is light on insight and facts. Here’s what you need to know:

  • ‘Perth’ is located in a country called ‘Western Australia’ so named because it is located to the west of Australia
  • It is basically a giant open cut mine
  • A coffee costs about $17 in Perth
  • The big tourist attraction in Perth is the ‘Colin Sylvia basket’
  • Western Australia is at war with sharks and has been for several years
  • Apart from mining, other major industries include Little Creatures beer and… that’s it actually
  • Residents of Perth are referred to as ‘Persians’
  • Perth is one of the most isolated cities in the world. The movie Mad Max: Fury Road tells the story of a group of Western Bulldogs fans making their way to the 2006 Semi Final against West Coast.
  • The most popular hobby in Perth is booing
  • Never try to introduce a mining tax in Perth
  • Unlike Melbourne, Perth has a pleasant climate with regular bouts of something called ‘sunshine’
  • While AFL is the biggest sport, Perth is also the last place in Australia where the NBL is still relevant
  • A large amount of residents in Perth have English or South African ancestry but are still nice people
  • Perth is often referred to as the ‘Gateway to Rottnest Island’

So enjoy Perth, Hawks and Kangaroo fans and remember to get the proper vaccinations for cholera and typhoid.

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  1. Gloves78

    TitusOReily just don’t wear your colours when walking at night

  2. Bonjour_Pippy

    TitusOReily Going to be the mother of all wars this weekend against the Persians not unlike the battle of Thermopyle!

  3. Stephanakis Dimitriou

    Billy Cechris now I’m prepared, I’ll meet ya in Perth

  4. FilmsWithCappie

    Gaetano_Prestia TitusOReily yeah, that is basically 100% correct.

  5. Gaetano_Prestia

    FilmsWithCappie TitusOReily Oh wow you speak Engish? I thought Persians spoke a different language.

  6. Gloves78

    TitusOReily surely gang laws will have to come into play. Groups of 2-3 only please

  7. FilmsWithCappie

    Gaetano_Prestia TitusOReily I use Google Translate.

  8. Stej Bosnjak

    Your guide to Melbourne is still the best ever article on The Flack

  9. paul_yole

    TitusOReily Where can you get a coffee for only $17?

  10. Geoff Schaefer

    If a coffee costs $17 and my shirt only costs $15, does that mean I ruin my coffee if I spill coffee on my shirt?

  11. Simone Stewart

    Courtney Stewart Cameron Mcdevitt have a read, quite funny!

  12. Jos Butcher

    Just don’t get too close to the quokkas… they will cut you.

  13. Garbs_7

    TitusOReily “The most popular hobby in Perth is booing” U0001f605

  14. Stephen Stahl

    Hawks should know this, they were there two weeks ago

  15. Felicity Gaylard

    $17! U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602 Pretty much! I got excited at $6 for 1 x piece of dry cleaning today; as opposed to $14.50!

  16. Zack Hamence

    Matty Brock you live over there how close is this?

  17. VOOK64

    Gaetano_Prestia TitusOReily You forgot $20 pints mate.

  18. steven_johno

    TitusOReily Corrections
    People from Perth are called Perthlings
    An open cut mine WITH casino
    Booing AND questioning an umpires parentage

  19. portusprince

    TitusOReily Add for the benefit of Hawthorn supporters: you can claim the flights, hotel and meals as work expenses, but not the tickets.

  20. Will Gardner

    Matt Sofoulis,Blake Hillier, Tenielle Kennedy, Chloe Forster, Christian Croce, Karl Kunze

  21. Warren Vickers

    as a Persian myself i can confirm this to be 99.4% accurate

  22. Kara Alsop-Clarke

    It seems not everybody gets a driver in perth U0001f61c #lifestylesofthelouchs

  23. Matty Brock

    hahahahahaha that is pretty spot on Zack Hamence. A

  24. Matty Brock

    Fiona Thomson have a read of describing Perth lol

  25. Ryan Tanner

    Joanne, Robert, Shaun, this all sounds about right.

  26. Darren Flash Nicolle

    Adam Flockhart Nathan Duscher… thank god there’s no final in Tassie!

  27. Fiona Thomson

    Hahahaha maybe an ALL WEST AUSSIE GF will put us on the map lol!!!!

  28. Mark Percey

    You boys should come over for a visit Dean Winter Nick Foster. So much to see and do as Titus points out.

  29. RayCapo79

    TitusOReily hey, stop telling the world about our “Colin Sylvia basket”… There is room enough in it for Harley Bennel…

  30. Dan Blackwell

    Titus does well. He forgot to mention eve nightclub on a Friday night though

  31. RayCapo79

    TitusOReily You forgot the time difference. A friend came over last month. He left Melb at 7:45am, when he arrived in Perth it was 1982…

  32. Dean Morgan

    Oh Titus, your best work yet!
    Mark Lowry Mark Stewart Mark Peers Travis Hocart Kerryn Edwards Paul Coates Mackenzie Morgan Fergus Morgan John Howell

  33. Kerryn Edwards

    $17 coffee, that’s cheap, he’s obviously only buying single shots

  34. Merilvingien

    TitusOReily you might be able to find a place where you’ll get change from $15 for a coffee

  35. Stephmc82

    TitusOReily you may also refer to us as “Perthonalities”

  36. Leon Ragdoll

    “A large amount of residents in Perth have English or South African ancestry but are still nice people”.

  37. Rob Hob

    I almost bought a coffee today but decided to use the money to go to Bali for one instead.

  38. Jonathon Shaw

    Pretty accurate. Geez that CS article cracked me up!

  39. Hayden Allen

    Alex Jellis Scott Grey Kyle Leonard check this out

  40. Therese Thistlethwaite

    Hahahahahaha id be happy for everyone to stop coming over so I can enjoy some uncrowded beaches!
    Go the Eagles!! U0001f424

  41. Courtney Stewart

    The comment about a $17 coffee in Perth is pretty spot on haha

  42. Lexington Gelmio

    Haha nailed it. Should be a good weekend of footy!

  43. Adam Viney

    Haha all true, they forgot to mention current 20/20 champions, birth place of a half decent F1 driver and we dont drink coffee, its cheaper to fly to Bali for a Bintang 🙂

  44. Stephen Stahl

    They played West Coast, not last weekend the weekend before

  45. Frank Lauchlan

    A significant amount of accuracy in this one….

  46. Carly Gerreyn

    Stephen, I what think Tom means they were scheduled to play in Perth two weeks ago but failed to show up

  47. Stephen Stahl

    They played in the qualifying final, on the Friday night against West Coast

  48. Frank Matera

    You missed out on the Bell Tower!! The place where nobody in Perth has been to… but Wayne Carey and Kelli Stevens were seen coming out of.

  49. Shaun Robeck

    The bit about South Africans being nice people is also a lie…

  50. Ubud97

    TitusOReily Ouch! The only gr8 thing to come out of Melb. in the last 10 yrs is the Krispy Kreme donut…and even that’s got a whole in it.

  51. David Harrison

    Make sure you have plenty of money because Pints of beer aren’t cheap

  52. Ross Drinkwater

    Need to go to old swan brewery, great feed good beer

  53. Mark Jensen

    He forgot to say you should also bring a pair of good “going out” thongs

  54. Bree Turkington

    Oh nooooow I get it…thats the result of cholera and typhoid epidemics! 😉

  55. James Wiggin

    Being a Melbourne born Persian who is also a Hawk fanatic, this article is very accurate. This should be the Perth Wikipedia page!

  56. Brett Verney

    Any Persian would know that if you shop around and don’t mind a 25 min drive down the freeway, you can get a small coffee for as low as $9 sometimes.

  57. Sharon Wade

    Very little about my wit will rock today, been up since 3am! However it is basically an open cut mine and coffee costs about $27.00 so save up. Signed Shazza a “Persian” U0001f60a

  58. Matthew Pope

    To get a taxi in Perth, you just walk from wherever you are to the casino or airport.
    Or hitch a ride from Ben Cousins.

  59. andream75

    TitusOReily don’t know whether to laugh or be offended #Both #goeagles

  60. Humpty_J

    TitusOReily I think those in the NBL heartland of North Queensland will be offended by your basketball reference.

  61. whatevsAU

    TitusOReily I’m a disappointment to my race. My first experience of Little Creatures was last week.

  62. Rob Stoj

    Christos Pavlidis JP Taylor – this sums up Perth nicely, right?

  63. Eaglesinthewest

    TitusOReily what about the cheap pints for $13 and the steak chips and salad for $45.

  64. Glenys Evans

    Spot on! Hope those “over East” (another Perth expression) enjoy their trip here.

  65. bluemalu

    TitusOReily For someone who barely knows Perth exists you did remarkably well with your guide. #GoHawks

  66. Zac Broderick

    Read the mad max point Ian Watts Tim Watts Anthony Trent James Staples Craigo Dos Santos Cam Pallister

  67. Matthew Grogan

    Kelly LF JF would like this, Tony Ronaldson, Louise Grogan Erin O’Rourke Amy Amy Gallagher Steve Bickett hit the nail on the head…

  68. Gerard 'Steve' Wilson

    Haha this is great! Nicole Wilson Rob Cozier

  69. Michael Maslin

    This is too good Stephen Russell and Sean O’Sullivan. Even Matt Hansen ‘s beloved cats get a vague mention

  70. Stephen Russell

    haha quality stuff, loved the Cats comment and the Mad Max reference got a chuckle too!

  71. Scott Verney

    I am still surprised that it could actially be a Freo/Eagles final on the cards.

  72. Scott Verney

    But its ok, you can go to Bali for the price of two coffees and but 10 shirts for the price of three coffees.

  73. Sharon Greig

    Stu got tickets for him and the boys to go here in Perth U0001f604

  74. g_buoyup

    As a Persian, I need to point out to any visitors from over there that WAFL Grand Finalists West Perth will be singing the Melbourne FC club song if they win on Sunday. So miss that Saturday midnight flight out for the experience. Culture is obviously transferable. And strangely, they haven’t changed any of the words.

  75. Brett Verney

    Haha this is the most rediculous thing ever. But absolutely hilarious nonetheless!!

  76. Daniel Waugh

    I’ve actually got Perf friends that go to the NBL U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602Richie Tunbridge “gateway to Rottnest” U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602

  77. Geoff Schaefer

    That sounds good Scott. But are coffees expensive in Bali?

  78. Sam West

    Perth is where home and away characters go to die. Like the elephant graveyard

  79. Anthony Raiti

    He always is mate. Not that he’s got much competition, but he is by far my favourite footy journo, even though technically he’s a blogger

  80. benandcamrhawks

    TitusOReily Perth has been voted One of the world’s most boring cities! #AFLFinals #facts

  81. Lorna Wilkinson

    Roos don’t really need to bother – outcome will be same ….

  82. Peter J Stuart

    It will be a nice holiday for the three of them. Be nice

  83. Mark Phelan

    Not flight, too much, Susie had a seat at the ground for me

  84. Deanne Herten

    Rhiannon Gardner, did you read this before you left?

  85. Sam West

    Craig Henwood Russell Mark pitty Richmond and Carlton aren’t in the prelim, but some insight for your next shooting trip west

  86. CalSauer

    RileyStuart1 TitusOReily the most popular hobby is booing U0001f602U0001f602U0001f602

  87. Claire Hanlon

    Haha I only just read this! And I have never been more proud to be a ‘Persian’ (IS THAT EVEN A THING?!)

  88. Tara Carlon

    Natalie Lauren some relevance for both of you here x

  89. Natalie Woolfitt

    I’m totes looking forward to showing you why NBL should still be relevant everywhere after you make your fury road crossing!

  90. Ben Ng

    Matt. Useful information for you this weekend mate ☺

  91. Mick_EFC

    I lived in Perth for a year, there was a lot of sand….nothing else of interest though.

  92. Cat Warne

    That’s what you have a South African accent!!! U0001f602

  93. Cat Warne

    That is great I feel like I know a lot more about your country now. Nick Batchelor you should read this

  94. Jason Ross

    Jason Byrne, Jason Kaye… ‘The big tourist attraction in Perth is the ‘Colin Sylvia basket’

  95. Nick Copperbottom

    I thoroughly enjoyed this, I also enjoyed living in Victoria listening to everyone complain about flight prices to Perth.

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